The sweetness of life has me on a euphoric high where everything and everyone is wonderful where nothing or noone can bring me down And I feel like a goddess, a bad bitch, a Queen I live for moments like this where happiness is my best friend But then the sourness of life happens and I’m brought down to a hell of depression and despair Where I hate everything and everyone Where everything weighs me down and I’m losing my mind And I feel worthless, crazy and like a selfish bitch
“I can’t recall the last time I was kissed”-Lizzy McAlpine
I didn’t mean to, it wasn’t in my plans for self improvement But I fell for you in spring I don’t even know when it started to happen All I remember is absolutely hating it hated how soft and corny it made me hated how I started smiling at your messages hated how you started to melt my jadedness about love and how I finally felt like love was a possibility for me
With my last rock bottom, I learned many things I learned about the power of my strength and resilience I learned how to be truly alone I learned about self-love and how to feel enough And I learned how maybe love isn’t for me and all of these things were hard for me to learn But after my last rock bottom I came out a different person A person who understands herself better A person who stopped apologizing for who she is and is no longer afraid to be herself
So this year I was able to do the napowrimo challenge last month in which I wrote one poem a day and posted it to my blog. For information about what Napowrimo is and where I got my prompts, here is the link: https://www.napowrimo.net/
april 1st-me on the first day of the challenge
I wasn’t able to do the challenge last year because I was in Peru and well, I was too busy enjoying my vacation to think about the challenge.
me in Peru last year…experiencing the poetry of nature instead of writing about it
I did do the challenge in 2022 and I can definitely tell a difference in my poetry from that year to this year. Here’s that blog post: https://wordpress.com/post/lifeonthebpd.com/3708 So a few things I have noticed in my poetry this year is I’ve gotten stronger in using imagery, my vocabulary is way better and I’ve even written some funny stuff. Here’s one inspired by Yung Gravy that I loved and read at open mic:
I got to perform this at a variety show this month and got serenaded after by a zoomer-lol
Another thing I noticed is that I’m getting better at telling a story through my poetry and here’s an example of this, this one is also one of my most vulnerable poems that I loved:
this was one of my most vulnerable and favorite poems
I will admit that not all of my poems were “good poems” and I’ll also admit that there were some days that it was hard to stay on task doing this daily since I do work 60 hour weeks but my discipline and determination won and even on the hardest and busiest of days, I still manage to write and post a poem. Also, I was determined to use the prompts from the napowrimo site and at times those prompts were challenging. However, I still used those prompts to the best of my ability. Also, when I did the challenge in 2022 I said something about turning off my internal editor and writing the poem and posting it right away. While I did turn off my internal editor (somewhat) when I wrote the first draft of the poem, I actually edited that first draft after I wrote it. I wrote a second draft in my journal and that’s what I posted in my blog. This shows I’m growing as a writer as I’m editing and paying more attention to what I post. I think one of the major reasons I’ve grown as a writer is because I’ve found community with other poets online and in real life. One thing I thought a lot about as I was doing this challenge was my audience. My friend Alex (another poet) told me that when he writes his poetry, he thinks about how it will sound while reading it to an audience and that really stuck with me. I know I’ve said so many times, “I write for myself primarily” and while that is still true, I think that in order for me to build community I need to also think about my audience and my readers. I don’t think this takes away from my authenticity at all; I think I’m just growing as a writer who aims to become better.
I’m so good at documenting those moments
My advice to anyone who’s thinking about doing the challenge next year is do it for yourself and be gentle with yourself. Understand you don’t have to post it if you don’t want to and use any prompts available on the internet. As I look into doing this challenge this year, I’m thinking of making my own prompts in Spanish and English for anyone interested in doing the challenge. I hope that next April when God willing I do the napowrimo challenge again I’m better at my craft and I can inspire some of my fellow poets to do the challenge with me.
Can I blame the morning rain for making me crazy yesterday it’s like I lost all of my emotional regulation skills and I had to constantly struggle to reign my anger in To not key my annoying coworker’s car To not drive off somewhere and never come back but HEY I still managed to get through the day and not rage quit
mis rivales siempre son rubias quizas sera porque ellas se dejan manipular o porque a mis exes les dan paz mientras aunque yo trato de ser tranquila como ellas siempre fracaso porque soy una loba feroz en realidad nunca fui o seré una oveja que se deja dominar
almost cried out anger today but instead went for a drive a good choice for me and who I wanted to kill blasted my music and screamed “I fucking hate white women” they seem to be a thorn in my side all the fucking time focusing on my mistakes and snitching to my boss pretending to be friend never apologizing when they hurt me constantly trying to bring me down trying to make me feel less than and while I hate how much they affect me at least today I’m grateful that today my hatred for them inspired me to write this poem
I channel the teenager that resides in me on days when I’m about to lose my shit I daydream what it be like to allow the teenager in me to take over imagine going to the airport with my passport and escape to somewhere, anywhere I’m free to be nobody where I’m not a mom, a coworker, a daughter, a friend somewhere where I can relax and write flowery poetry about sunsets and trees instead of writing poems about capitalism, kids and big karen energy
Thorny long stemmed burgundy red roses remind me of how I’m loved The beauty of the roses is how men admire me and fall for me the burgundy red reminds me of how my heart bleeds after they leave me and the sharp thorns stab my lungs as rejection and devastation sets in
a red bird appeared to me in a dream it carried the spirit of an ancestor I had never known he told me to not get too comfortable in my current life while it’s been a good life and I keep thriving and making my dreams come true I have even more room for improvement my purpose is bigger than I’ve ever dreamed of and through my storytelling I will not just heal myself but help others find their own path in their hero’s journey
a pretty existence is presented on social media for the world to see how we’re all living our best lives seldom do we share our struggles because we’re all too scared of being vulnerable because we’re scared of being perceived as weak for showing who we really are
Life on the BPD 