I have a bad habit of making poetry out of almost anything it’s annoying, it’s cringe, and downright embarrassing at times how shameless I can be it teethers between the line of genius and insanity This monster of creativity of mine from trauma to my kids to childhood memories To the latest villain in my story to office supplies To my dreams to the trees to the clouds To my kroger apron to energy drinks To that ex from my 20s No one and nothing is saved from being used as a fountain of inspiration for my creativity Sometimes it’s a curse, sometimes it’s a blessing Most of the time, it’s just downright entertaining
silence is no longer an option if I continue to do so, I’d be suffocating the part of me who needs to be heard in order to heal I’d be failing myself, my ancestors, and future generations silence is no longer an option to do so is an act of violence against the writer and poet in me whose purpose is tell my story, my truth
I bet all of my female ancestors still remember their third of december
abandonment wounds run deep in my bloodline I’ve lost count of how many woman in my family whose lovers absconded, who’s lovers left them for their own version of Heather- maybe this explains my epic overreaction every time a lover absconded their departure triggers trauma in my DNA from the abandoned women ancestors before me
this day inspired a poem titled, “My Last Heather Moment”
It’s the 3rd of December and that means it’s Heather Day! What exactly is “Heather Day”? It’s a lyrical reference to the Conan Gray song “Heather” which talks about unrequited love and his crush choosing some girl named Heather over him which is terrible because I still can’t imagine anyone choosing someone else over Conan Fucking Gray, the most beautiful man ALIVE! So the first time I heard Heather was around November of 2022 and in a few short weeks, I became obsessed with this song. I think my kids unintentionally know the lyrics because of how many times they’ve heard it. I’ve written poetry inspired by this song and read that poetry at open mic. I’ve posed in pictures inspired by the video of the song. I’ve blasted that song from my car at various times and have always sung it out loud when it would play over the loudspeakers at my second job.
Needless to say, I have a deep relationship with that song. I know that it’s because at various stages in my life, I’ve been dumped by my exes for someone else, my crush has chosen someone else over me, or in one instance, the guy I was kind of seeing brought the other girl to an event we were both at and he thought it was fine while I was having full blown panic attacks in the bathroom (that’s another blog post). Before I listened to Heather , I didn’t know what to call these gut wrenching moments but after “Heather” I call these moments “Heather Moments”. And I’m sure there are other people, who’ve had similar experiences and their own “Heather Moments” and so I made a playlist inspired by “Heather” with songs with a similar feel. I actually have a deep connection to every single one of these songs and have even seen a few of them performed live. Yes, I saw Heather performed live and it was the happiest 4 minutes of my life! Anyways, here’s my playlist along with a few of the poems inspired by the song Heather. Fun Fact about some of these songs: 1) I was obsessed with “Can’t Let Go” when I was 10 and my crush wouldn’t notice me. 2) Look Away was on repeat in my CD Player when I broke up with my ex at 15 and it wasn’t a week before he went out with that girl he told me “I shouldn’t worry about” 3) One of the first songs I learned to play on the keyboard when I was 13 was “Words Get in the Way” 4) This is probably the most embarrassing fact but I crashed into the pole at work while I was blasting “Traitor” from my car. And 5) I was obsessed with the song “Silver Springs” this year and had it on repeat and even translated it into Spanish to see how it sounded. Also, I’ve included link via spotify and youtube for your listening pleasure.
I WISH I WERE HEATHER playlist:
Back to Black-Amy Winehouse
Better than Revenge- Taylor Swift
Can’t Let Go-Mariah Carey
Checkmate- Conan Gray
Coincidence-Sabrina Carpenter Dancing on my Own-Tove Lo Deja Vu- Olivia Rodrigo
Driver’s License- Olivia Rodrigo
Glimpse of Us- Joji
Good Enough-Maisie Peters
Heather- Conan Gray
John Hughes Movie- Maisie Peters Lacy- Olivia Rodrigo
Lookalike- Conan Gray
Look Away- Chicago
Lost the Breakup- Maisie Peters
Lucid Dreams- Juice WRLD
Movies- Conan Gray
Objection-Shakira
Opposite- Sabrina Carpenter
She’s All I Wanna Be- Tate McRae
Silver Springs- Fleetwood Mac
Slow Dancing in the Dark- Joji 24.Taste- Sabrina Carpenter
my craving for love has brought me to celestial heights of heaven and the rock bottom of hell at 40,I finally learned I suffered from the worst affliction –a love addiction– and time after time it tore me down something had to change, something had to give or else I’d end up jumping off a cliff so I gave up love for a while Until I could understand why it made me crazy Until I knew how to not make myself a victim in every single one of my love stories
with solitude comes clarity and peace of mind I no longer rely on the actions of words of others to validate my existence I no longer feel like less of a person because of the whims of others with solitude comes an understanding that being alone is the best way for me to succeed in my recovery journey because any extra energy derails me from the woman of worth I’m becoming
I close and open my heart at my moods and hormones’ convenience on a tightrope of vulnerability where I tend to fall off from and I have a tendency to blame 80s and 90s music and movies that taught me that if you’re good enough, if you’re pretty enough the right guy will fall for you and you’ll get your happy ending
“this is the last time I’m asking you why , you break my heart in the blink of an eye”- Taylor Swift
The last time you ghosted me I finally said enough and meant it I’m not adding any energy to something that only drains me and makes me feel worthless it was time to let go of our chaotic story and embrace a new love potential Who’ll know my wort
my exes are scared of me for good reason too many times I’ve used their words, even their emails as ammunition in expressing myself in poetry sometimes, it was for revenge Many times, it was me just trying to heal but I did warn most of them –I’m a writer–and I’m crazy they probably thought “Oh how cute, a girl who writes a few verses” they never understood how my wrath showed up in my writing until they leave and finally understand they should have heeded my warning
“you got it, we’re nothing, I’m the worst if you want it”- Conan Gray
out of all of the silly phases I went through I think you’re my favorite with you I learned to embrace the darkness within without flinching with you I felt a universe of pleasure with you I never had to tone down any part of myself with you I could truly be myself no matter how crazy or fucked up that was
my past is clouded in shame over secrets that were never my responsibilities or a burden to bear and all to keep up appearances that we were a normal and happy family and normal and happy families don’t talk about addiction or mental illness
“still I think of all the bloodshed somehow bittersweet”- Conan Gray
My favorite memory of us will be of us falling in your bathtub and the laughter and love that ensued after- it was almost a tragedy that ended as comedy and it was one of our last memories before we both decided that it was better to block each other from each other’s universe and while I still think of you from time to time- it’s no longer with resentment or anger I once had it’s with only fondness in my heart of the mess we were together
The invisible chains of my mental illness try to take away my joy and enthusiasm but I shake off my chains and live as fully as I can Despite my anxiety, Despite my depression, Despite my BPD trying to grab hold of me I no longer allow my inner demons rob me of the goodness that universe has to offer me
“I’m not sorry, I wouldn’t change a thing” -Conan Gray
I never loved you, you were a distraction an escape from my suburban mommy life I wanted to feel sexy, still young and fun so I used you to make me feel alive to awaken the sexy vixen in me the one I had sacrificed when I fell in the stability of a relationship and now I look back on it You did nothing wrong, you were just a scapegoat a villain I need in my story of love and lust to not feel shame and guilt
” I was your willing accomplice, honey”- Olivia Rodrigo
Your love comes and goes like the most sudden and violent gusts of wind I try to stay in my calm and peaceful place But I am swept away in your chaos that bring me to the highest mountain of lust,intimacy, and love I want to stay here I want to die here in the heaven that is your arms and your lips But you continually push me away You dispose of me like trash not caring about my inner destruction You break me heart into millions of pieces Everytime I try to give myself to you Your love, your toxic love Swallows me up and spits me up out only to break me over and over again
Life on the BPD 