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Poetry: I Thought

Another poem written about the great breakup of 2001. This is a great example of my black and white thinking that comes with having BPD. LMAO.

Me with my nephew in 2001 around the time I wrote this poem

I thought you were kind
I never thought you would destroy after a short time
I thought you loved me
I never thought you would betray me
I thought we were meant to be
I never thought you would cheat on me
I thought I was the only one you cared about
I never thought lying was what you were about
I thought you were my dream come true
I never thought you weren’t being true
I thought I could put my trust in you
I never thought you would make me so blue

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Poetry: You’re Fired (*trigger warning*)

I wrote this about my ex Juan in the year 2000.Juan was an interesting character. I met him in October of 1999 while I was working at a gas station. We dated from October to December. He was either super charismatic or I was super dumb. We had fun. Since we lived with our parents, we had to be creative as to where we would have sex. I remember one time we had sex at work during my shift on my boss’ desk. Lol. However, Juan also conned me out of almost $3000 I had saved up saying his family needed the money. I hated myself afterwards. I also cheated on him with Sam. Anyways, Juan ghosted me in December and tried to come back sometime around January or February of the next year. I agreed to meet him because I was interested in getting my money back. Well, I got in his car and while he was driving around my neighborhood, he kept trying to put his hand in between my legs. I kept pushing him away, but he wouldn’t stop and kept getting more aggressive. Idk how but eventually I gathered my strength and anger and elbowed him in the crotch and managed to get out of the moving car. I never heard from him again. I should have been traumatized from that incident but I wasn’t. I think that while I was in the car with him, I was more pissed than scared of him. Looking back at this incident, it feels crazy that this didn’t affect me.

Me and Juan in November of 99
Not a lie…lol

My dear amor
How can I tell you?
That I no longer love you
How can I hurt you?
By saying that all of the extraordinary feeling I once felt
have gone and faded away from my heart and soul
It’s not that I’ve falling in love with someone new
It’s just that our special bond has been broken in two
When you use to kiss me I used to think I was in heaven
Now I just feel empty
So sorry to say, but baby you’re fired

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Poetry: Why Did You?

Another poem I wrote about the great breakup of 2001. Who knew that more than 20 years later, it would just be great blog content. Lol.

Ugh..this is me

Why did you have to be
so painful for me?
Why did it take me so long
To find out you were doing me so wrong
Why did you have to such a waste
And leave my mouth with such a bitter taste
Why did you have to put on such a good show
I still can’t believe somebody could stoop so low
Why did you have to make my heart so sore
I don’t think i can stand the pain anymore
Why did you have to show up
And be such a damn fuck up

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Poetry: Pathetic Asshole

I wrote this about my friend Sam after I found out that he tried to sleep with my sister. I was furious after this happened but it was also kind of funny. So Sam put the moves on my poor recently separated and vulnerable sister. Well–according to my sister, when they were getting to the good part, his equipment wouldn’t work. At all. Haha. This is the last of the poems about Sam. He does make an appearance in my life in either 2018 or 2019 when I looked him up on Facebook and impulsively messaged him. Surprisingly, he responded but nothing came of it. I think that while the idea of him seemed nice, putting that much effort again into a former fuckboy didn’t feel worth it all.

I thought you should be told
that you are a pathetic asshole
You will never go anywhere
By not playing fair
You have no fucking respect
I wish we had never met
How could you lie to me?
Can’t you see
I thought we were friends
But now you’ve become my fiend
I hope I never hear your fucking voice
Or see your fucking face
I wish you unhappiness
and many years of misery

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Poetry: The Fool

I wrote this in 1997 after a really strange situation after a hookup. So I hooked up with this guy I met off the internet and he was 19 and in the Air Force. Well it turned out that his girlfriend (a freshman) went to the high school I went to and she found out and confronted me about it. I had so many feelings of shame and guilt. Looking back on it, this dude was a predator dating/hooking up high school girls. Ick!

me in 1997 when this poem was writter

You thought it would be fun
To use me as a hit and run
Thought you would never see me again
You thought it was great
Just to use me to mate
Thought you wouldn’t hurt anyone
You thought no one would find out
about our little love bout
Thought it would be fine
After you crossed that thin line
Between friendship and something more
Little would I know
How much it would hurt me so
To let you take me away
In your warm embrace
Little would I see
How bad you would be for me
to be led by your persuasion
into your lust filled creation

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Poesia: Yo Pense

Este poema lo escribi en Noviembre del 2001. Estaba bien amarga.

Yo pensé

Que mi amor no tenía limite

Que nada podía pasar

Pero arruinaste aquella confianza

Al seguir esa falda

Yo pensé

Que nada podía destrozar aquella fe

Que el amor era sin condiciones

Pero no sabía de tus misiones secretas

Cuando te ibas con esa

Ahora has roto nuestra fortaleza

Yo pensé 

Que tu podías ser aquel

Que sería la solución 

Nunca la destrucción (de mi corazón) 

Pero tú no lo viste así

Por eso ya no sigues aquí

Yo pensé 

Que eras un hombre

Nunca que eras ese niño confundido

Y que volverías a aquel anterior nido

Ahora veo que tú fuiste mi gran equivocación 

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Poetry: Cheater

I wrote this poem in 2001. It’s another poem about the “great breakup” of 2001. I think part of the reason I took that breakup so hard was that I had idealized that relationship thinking finally I found the one. Lol. I was just really tired of jumping into relationships time after time and them not working out.

Yeah..I was mad..lol

I thought I was the only one
in your heart
I never thought that the time would come
when you’d say “It’s time we part”
It never crossed my mind
that there was somebody else
I always thought you were only mine
I thought we had more time

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Poetry: The Cad

I wrote this in 1997 about my ex James. I was pissed and super salty as you can tell. This poem is me fantasizing Karma got back to him one day. This poem is full of that great anger I feel when men are jerks to me.

me in 1997 when this poem was written- laughing about my ex …lmao

You were such a cad
and that makes me so sad
You give women so much crap
Just to get them in the sack
You give them so much pressure
Just so they can give you pleasure
You never know how they feel
After you made your kill
You didn’t care
And thought it was fair
To use them to satisfy your primal thirst
Never thinking one of them would make a big fuss
Now you spend your life in bed
Having to be fed
How ironic it is
Just cause you had to add one more to your list

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Poetry: Passing Fad

This poem was about “M” and I wrote it in 2000. I had convinced my parents to take me to see him at his University which was about an hour and 15 minutes away and I went to his dorm room and we had sex and then he tells me, “I’m not serious about you, I just want to be your friend” I was pissed and upset. I don’t know how but I guess I kept in contact with him and it I remember how awful it was. Ugh. And this is why I can’t be friends with exes.

ugh…I’m always an “amazing person” and they “always want to be friends”-yeah no thanks

I still remember the hurtful words
You said to me
After making love
“I’m not serious about you.
I just want to be your friend”
That’s when my whole world came to an end
I drowned in an ocean of my own tears
you had awaken my biggest fear
That you wanted my body
And not all of me
It’s too bad
That to you
I was just a passing fad

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Poetry: Lies

I wrote this in November of 2001. This poem was another product of the “Great Breakup of 2001” . Of course, I’m glad that I took out all of my anger on paper and not him.

Salty as fuck

Lies was what you were about

How dare you

pretend to care about me?

Don’t you understand?

I was falling in love with you

Don’t you know?

I’ve become addicted to you.

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Poetry: The Liar

I wrote this in 1997 about my oldest son’s bio dad after he ghosted me. I was quite salty about it. Lol. You can tell that I had that black and white thinking down pat at this point.

me in 1998 when I wrote this poem

I believed you when you told me
you love me
How wrong could I have been?
What a fool I have been?
To believe on all of the promises
and all of those wonderful words you told me
How could you have so cruel as to use our lovemaking
to use me for other interests
But most of all, how could you make me fall in love with you?
And now it hurts to know you never really loved me
You were just playing with my heart and mind
the whole time
I guess your heart must be made of ice and you must be numb
You were never that good in bed anyways

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Poem: Rebound Chick

I wrote this in November of 2001 after “the great breakup” of that year. To say I was pissed is an understatement. I don’t even know if angry is a strong enough word to accurately describe what I was feeling after that breakup. LOL.

You two were made for each other

like the sun was made to be hot

to you i was just another new toy

to play with 

but once the newness wore off

you decided to go back 

your comfortable teddy bear

unfortunately old habits

are hard to break

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Poem: Racist Jerk

So I wrote this poem in 2000 when ex my boyfriend Mike said something super racist about immigrants knowing I was an immigrant myself. Talk about cognitive dissonance. Lol. He also had a super nice red sports car….and yes he was making up for something. Haha. Looking back, the dating pool in the hick town I was living in was super limited. I honestly can’t say that this had to anything to do with me over reacting because of BPD…this dude was just an ignorant asshole.

My new boyfriend
What you said really hurt
I never thought you were a racist jerk
I don’t know if I can get past your words
Staying with you would only make it worst
With time I could become like you
And to tell you the truth
That scares me to death
So now I wish we never met
And that I didn’t have to tell you this
I hope I won’t be missed
I wish you a good life
I hope one day you become wise

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Poetry: Losing My Mind

I wrote this in November of 2001. It was of course about what I thought was the most horrible breakup of my life. Lol.

I’m losing my mind

Learning your promises were just false lines

Your love meant so much to me 

I guess this means no anniversaries

I just couldn’t handle

When I got that infamous call

Especially when she had to say

That you had gone her way

And you had given away my hugs and kisses

You destroyed all of my innermost wishes

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Poetry: Same Old Ugly Song

This was written in November of 2001 after a breakup. I think of 20 year old naive me that put her all of her trust into this guy who appeared to be a “nice guy” only to be deceived later on. I don’t remember how or when but suddenly I was writing all of these poems to process the anger after that deception. How I process things after a traumatic event has changed throughout the years but it has always involved writing.

At first I thought your love was sweet

You even had me at your feet

Then you did a 180 turn

And I finally learned

That you were the same old ugly song

Just another pathetic con

So my love turned into an ocean of hate

Of realizing way too late

How blind I had been to see

that you were only using me

And it burns me so bad

That you drove me into a quicksand of sad

And unfortunately I still remember 

That loving and understanding was what we were

But you ruined that when you went to her

And that’s what caused “us” to go under

And I hope you and her were meant to be

Because you’ve seen the last of me

I am completely done

Waiting for the day you’ll come

Even though I may be lonely 

I have to accept you’re just a bad memory

Now I have to go on

Hoping I won’t end up with 

The same old ugly song