being with you was a form of self harm it was another symptom of my mental illness It was me living with my unhealed alcoholic daddy issues it was the worst version of me trying to find some kind of semblance of love to fill the void with whatever, even if that love looked toxic, brought out the worst in me, berated and assaulted me still stupidly I went back to you and accepted you in my life over and over again even with delusional daydreams in the back of my mind that if I kept you in my life long enough eventually you’d change and one day we’d get it right but all you ever did was disappoint me over and over again but this last undoing of us is the one and good riddance for that because at 43, i’m too fucking old to waste my time on fuck bois who can’t show an ounce of respect and dignity
for a while you were an a puzzle to me always so mysterious always so guarded never talked about your past even as I overshared my trauma and while it got tiring I still kept on trying to get you to open up my mami didn’t raise a quitter but nothing I did ever worked you could never bring yourself to be vulnerable
the frostbite of your goodbye destroyed my last hope in love and I turned into a statue something beautiful to be admired something cold to the touch Something that would never thaw
the sky fell on me on that tuesday morning when you ended me with a 5 minute phone call for weeks I cried on the carpet until I fell asleep for weeks I wanted to fade away into an abyss of nothingness and even though it’s been almost decade I still think about that Tuesday morning the morning I lost the small piece of innocence I had left
a wolf in sheep’s clothing got to me he pretended to be my friend with endless compliments and fake empathy Until one day I found out who he really was a liar ,a psychopath and I called him out and blocked him from my universe when he said he didn’t do no wrong when he said, he just liked his “privacy” and offered no apologies after a decade long lie which added to my trust issues but at least it opened my eyes enough to kick him out of my life and while I still make poetry out of him (he gave me too much material to ignore) I’m grateful he’s out of my life life is too short for entitled Brads, Chads,and Kens who think that just because of their privilege they can get away with ANYTHING
many took bets on how long they’d last between the age gap, the difference in cultures they didn’t stand a chance yet, they kind of made it work for more than a decade yet, they still raised three fine young men for almost 20 years and while their incompatibility caught up to them and they had to end their love story they rebuilt it on the foundation of the love they once shared and in the best interest of their children and evolved into a healthy story of friendship where any resentment and anger has been buried and there are no hard feelings over past grievances where they support one another and are finally the parents their children always deserved
sorry for sleeping with your husband I was raised better than to covet my neighbor’s spouse I knew better than to listen to my impulsive and drunk hormones and while I could say I was caught up in the moment of music and alcohol it’s not an excuse for the sin I committed it’s a misdeed that I still regret 22 years later because I hate to think that maybe I was the final straw that broke up your marriage because guilt sits at the bottom of my stomach wondering if I wrecked an otherwise happy home and ruined an epic love story and if it eases your mind karma did get me in the end I married the wrong person and suffered through toxic codependency and polyamory Eventually having a mental breakdown because of how overwhelming it all got and ending up divorced with me alone without any romantic prospects I learned 22 years too late what is done secretly and illicitly in the heat of the moment comes back later to haunt you comes back to haunt your subconscious in dreams until you’re ready to acknowledge it and make amends
I bet all of my female ancestors still remember their third of december
abandonment wounds run deep in my bloodline I’ve lost count of how many woman in my family whose lovers absconded, who’s lovers left them for their own version of Heather- maybe this explains my epic overreaction every time a lover absconded their departure triggers trauma in my DNA from the abandoned women ancestors before me
this day inspired a poem titled, “My Last Heather Moment”
It’s the 3rd of December and that means it’s Heather Day! What exactly is “Heather Day”? It’s a lyrical reference to the Conan Gray song “Heather” which talks about unrequited love and his crush choosing some girl named Heather over him which is terrible because I still can’t imagine anyone choosing someone else over Conan Fucking Gray, the most beautiful man ALIVE! So the first time I heard Heather was around November of 2022 and in a few short weeks, I became obsessed with this song. I think my kids unintentionally know the lyrics because of how many times they’ve heard it. I’ve written poetry inspired by this song and read that poetry at open mic. I’ve posed in pictures inspired by the video of the song. I’ve blasted that song from my car at various times and have always sung it out loud when it would play over the loudspeakers at my second job.
Needless to say, I have a deep relationship with that song. I know that it’s because at various stages in my life, I’ve been dumped by my exes for someone else, my crush has chosen someone else over me, or in one instance, the guy I was kind of seeing brought the other girl to an event we were both at and he thought it was fine while I was having full blown panic attacks in the bathroom (that’s another blog post). Before I listened to Heather , I didn’t know what to call these gut wrenching moments but after “Heather” I call these moments “Heather Moments”. And I’m sure there are other people, who’ve had similar experiences and their own “Heather Moments” and so I made a playlist inspired by “Heather” with songs with a similar feel. I actually have a deep connection to every single one of these songs and have even seen a few of them performed live. Yes, I saw Heather performed live and it was the happiest 4 minutes of my life! Anyways, here’s my playlist along with a few of the poems inspired by the song Heather. Fun Fact about some of these songs: 1) I was obsessed with “Can’t Let Go” when I was 10 and my crush wouldn’t notice me. 2) Look Away was on repeat in my CD Player when I broke up with my ex at 15 and it wasn’t a week before he went out with that girl he told me “I shouldn’t worry about” 3) One of the first songs I learned to play on the keyboard when I was 13 was “Words Get in the Way” 4) This is probably the most embarrassing fact but I crashed into the pole at work while I was blasting “Traitor” from my car. And 5) I was obsessed with the song “Silver Springs” this year and had it on repeat and even translated it into Spanish to see how it sounded. Also, I’ve included link via spotify and youtube for your listening pleasure.
I WISH I WERE HEATHER playlist:
Back to Black-Amy Winehouse
Better than Revenge- Taylor Swift
Can’t Let Go-Mariah Carey
Checkmate- Conan Gray
Coincidence-Sabrina Carpenter Dancing on my Own-Tove Lo Deja Vu- Olivia Rodrigo
Driver’s License- Olivia Rodrigo
Glimpse of Us- Joji
Good Enough-Maisie Peters
Heather- Conan Gray
John Hughes Movie- Maisie Peters Lacy- Olivia Rodrigo
Lookalike- Conan Gray
Look Away- Chicago
Lost the Breakup- Maisie Peters
Lucid Dreams- Juice WRLD
Movies- Conan Gray
Objection-Shakira
Opposite- Sabrina Carpenter
She’s All I Wanna Be- Tate McRae
Silver Springs- Fleetwood Mac
Slow Dancing in the Dark- Joji 24.Taste- Sabrina Carpenter
with solitude comes clarity and peace of mind I no longer rely on the actions of words of others to validate my existence I no longer feel like less of a person because of the whims of others with solitude comes an understanding that being alone is the best way for me to succeed in my recovery journey because any extra energy derails me from the woman of worth I’m becoming
I close and open my heart at my moods and hormones’ convenience on a tightrope of vulnerability where I tend to fall off from and I have a tendency to blame 80s and 90s music and movies that taught me that if you’re good enough, if you’re pretty enough the right guy will fall for you and you’ll get your happy ending
“I’m not sorry, I wouldn’t change a thing” -Conan Gray
I never loved you, you were a distraction an escape from my suburban mommy life I wanted to feel sexy, still young and fun so I used you to make me feel alive to awaken the sexy vixen in me the one I had sacrificed when I fell in the stability of a relationship and now I look back on it You did nothing wrong, you were just a scapegoat a villain I need in my story of love and lust to not feel shame and guilt
” I was your willing accomplice, honey”- Olivia Rodrigo
Your love comes and goes like the most sudden and violent gusts of wind I try to stay in my calm and peaceful place But I am swept away in your chaos that bring me to the highest mountain of lust,intimacy, and love I want to stay here I want to die here in the heaven that is your arms and your lips But you continually push me away You dispose of me like trash not caring about my inner destruction You break me heart into millions of pieces Everytime I try to give myself to you Your love, your toxic love Swallows me up and spits me up out only to break me over and over again
“psychopathic, don’t be so dramatic, we had magic, but you made it tragic”- Conan Gray
He comes with false promises of respect and easy and uncomplicated lust He promises never to hurt you but it’s all a game to get for him to get laid He just wants to use you for a hit and run Once he’s done with you He’ll discard you like trash He’ll never see you as a person He’ll only see you was a receptacle for his cum He’ll only see you as an object of lust and at times he’ll even claim to love you when he sees he’s losing the toxic spell he’s placed on you but once he’s got you in his bed He’ll forget about you the next day So it’s best to stop his emotionally poisonous game that leaves you always feeling worthless in the end and delete and block his number and forget about the fuckboy once and for all
Life on the BPD 