I wrote this poem in 2019 when I got into a fight with a friend because he was cruel to one of my friends. After this fight, we didn’t talk for 2 years but we ended up reconnecting in the summer of this year.
I wrote this in January of 2003. I’m honestly surprised that after so much disappointment in the dating world, I still had faith. I guess I was still a hopeless romantic at that point.
It’s so hard sometimes to be nice When you’ve cried so many times Over so many sorry ass guys When you are always done wrong You wonder what’s taking so long To find a warm hearted guy Who’ll give you the moon and the sky To find that special man that was written for you in the sand Sometimes you almost want to give up and just suck it up And say “I’m so through” With always being used But you have to have faith That one day you’ll find somebody great And all of these lonely nights Will finally have an end in sight
I wrote this in December of 2002. Towards the end of the year, I was depressed abotu dating and romance. I hated feeling like I was always just used for fun, objectified, and then discarded like trash. .
exactly
Now that I know That between us Can me nothing more Than a story of pure lust I feel so dumb And wonder once again If it’s possible to go numb From all of the jerks that are so damn lame You fucking jerks that don’t want to see past Me being a great piece of ass And I ask myself these questions What does it take for someone like me? To find someone that will make me happy To find someone who doesn’t use me just for fun But maybe it’s okay Maybe this is just my fate
I wrote this in 2019 when I was reflecting about the way men have often objectified in a way thatthey almost always seem to just want the fun and sexy part of me but seem to often have problems seeing the rest of me. I’ve almost always felt like I’ve been good enough to be their lover but never good enough to be introduced to their mother. Do I still feel this way? I honestly don’t know. I like the attention and validation I get from men because of my looks but sometimes it feels so hollow.
Often men want this girl…the ones that’s always down for a “good” timeBUT run away from this one….the other girl …the vulnerable one that has a realness hard to accept
I wrote this poem in December of 2002 cause well dating sucks and it’s still timely. Haha.
2002 was such a rough year for love
I hate playing this stupid game Called dating Trying to decide Which move to make So you can have him at checkmate It’s no longer about falling in love Or even real feelings But it’s about winning So if sit here wanting to hear hisvoice I don’t dare give in to this yearning To want to call him Because then they’ll almost be winning
I wrote this in December of 2002 and it wasn’t inspired by any breakups, it might have been inspired by a movie I watched or a book I read.
it’s like that sometimes
I woke up one day To see that you had gone away All you left was a note You could no longer cope With our love mess You had tried your very best To be the man I wanted you to be The one who only cared for me You had only pretended to be true And now you say the time has come You’re sorry it took so damn long All that is left is goodbye You tell me to not even ask why You wish me the best in life One day I’ll make a great wife And with your signature you sign off I hope that someday you’ll find true love
I wrote this in December of 2002 after I had a one night stand with this dude I met in a bar and he didn’t tell me he was married. I found out a few days later when a coworker told me. I felt shame, guilt, and like a dirty whore for what happened even thought I knew that this time I was an unwilling homewrecker. It was rough.
deserved an award for biggest douchebag
This was a mistake I wish I could unmake I didn’t mean to kiss you And I didn’t mean for us to screw But the alcohol got to my head That somehow led me to your bed And now you have to understand Our destiny has been written in the sand You will never be the man I dream of Who will deserve the best of my love So now it’s about time for you to open your eyes What happened between you and I Was chemistry I could no longer deny So stop trying to interrupt my life And just go back to your wife
I wrote this about John in 2002 when he ghosted me. I really liked him so I was really sad. Feelings of worthlessness came up and it was hard to not feel so shitty.
exactly
Our love has ended I know There’s nothing more to say To make you stay We were too different, you said I guess I was just too damn naive To think someone like you Could fall in love with an ordinary girl like me
Today is National Getting Over It day and I couldn’t think of a better way to celebrate it than by sharing my ANGRY AF playlist. A huge part for me getting over something tragic in my life is to get angry. And when I get angry, it’s almost like a volcano eruption. This is actually pretty healthy for me because I’ve felt that at times, anger has saved me from feeling all of my sadness at once which for me can get really overwhelming right away. I can even say that Anger has probably saved me from spiraling into an abyss of sadness that would be hard to crawl out of. In other words, anger has helped me survive whatever trauma has come my way. I used to be so ashamed of being angry because of how it would turn me into the most self absorbed and reactive person. I don’t feel that way anymore because I’ve learned how to better manage my anger. Instead of drinking or hooking with random dudes because I’m angry; I exercise or write while I listen to music. Most of the songs in this list are geared more towards someone going through a breakup because that is when my anger comes out the most. Thanks, BPD. Lol. In bold are my favorite songs from this list.
Lyrics from Olivia Rodrigo, Fall Out Boy, Matchbox Twenty, and Taking Back Sunday
For the Brokenhearted: I’m ANGRY AF Edition (the only where you scream out the lyrics):
FUCK YOU, GOODBYE-The Kid LAROI , Machine Gun Kelly
abcdefu-Gayle
SELFISH-The Kid LAROI
SAME ENERGY- The Kid Laroi
good 4 u-Olivia Rodrigo
Cute Without the “E” (Cut from the Team)-Taking Back Sunday
Sugar, We’re Going Down-Fall Out Boy
Tell that Mick He Just Made My List of Things To Do Today-Fall Out Boy
The Patron Saint of Liars and Fakes-Fall Out Boy
traitor-Olivia Rodrigo
Better Than Revenge -Taylor Swift
Push-Matchbox Twenty
You Oughta Know-Alanis Morissette
We Are Never Ever Getting Back Together-Taylor Swift
Stronger Than Me-Amy Winehouse
Priest-Julia Michaels
Sorry-Beyonce
Death by a Thousand Cuts-Taylor Swift
Closure-Taylor Swift
Look What You Made Me Do-Taylor Swift
Your Name Hurts-Hailee Steinfeld
Great Romances of the 20th Century-Taking Back Sunday
Lying Is The Most Fun a Girl Can Have Without Her Clothes Off- Panic! At the Disco
BEST FOR ME-The Kid LAROI
I Bet You Think About Me-Taylor Swift
This Is Why We Can’t Have Nice Things-Taylor Swift
Head Club-Taking Back Sunday
Screaming Infidelities-Dashboard Confessional
Ignore Me-Betty
Sue Me-Sabrina Carpenter
Below are links to the playlist for your listening pleasure:
I wrote this about John in 2002 after he ghosted me after taking me to see his mom. His mother didn’t approve of me-an uneducated single mom. It was rough and of course I took it personally. So John fell off my pedestal and it was a long fall.
truth
Perhaps you feel too smart to let someone as ordinary as me into your heart Perhaps you think I’m not good enough to be deserving of your love Perhaps you are only sure I’m just good for pleasure Perhaps you wear a know it all smirk And believe I’m just like any other girl Perhaps you believe in your head I’m only good to warm up your bed But darling I’m sorry to say You won’t get your way Because I respect myself too much To let myself melt with your touch Because I am worth a lot more than any of your trophy whores Because I have an actual mind Without you I’ll be just fine But mostly because I would never fall For someone so extremely false
Escribí este poema en el 2002 acerca de Matt, el padre de mi hijo mayor. Estaba bien amarga y desilusionada con el de nuevo después de que el nos rechazo otra vez mas.
verdad
Un día veras Que no podrás mas Y te arrepentirás De día que decidiste olvidarte De ese niño y esa mujer Quien te pedía que te acuerdes Que duro sera Tendría que explicarle a él Que tu su padre nunca quisiste ser Y Un día pensaras Que error fue dejarlos atrás Y tus lágrimas saldrán Por no poder parar El odio y rencor que él sentirá Y Un día sera muy tarde Para querer ser su papa
I wrote this about Matt in 2002. He stopped contacting me after his visit in November and I was beyond pissed. So I did what I normally did after feeling rejected and abandoned, I devalued him to the point that he became dead to me.
it does
You’ve become dead to me That day, you decided to leave And again decided to forget Everything you had said That you’d try your hardest To give us your best That you’d love to Be there for us on cue That we really are special And pain on us wouldn’t befall But once again, I was wrong You sing the same deadbeat song But thankfully, this time, I was prepared For you to once again fail So don’t ever come back And pretend to be sad Because you’ve become nothing to us When once again, you left us in the dust
I wrote this in November of 2002 about Matt. Even thought I was still resentful over the trauma I had been through because of him, I still had a somewhat idealistic perspective over what happened between us during the time we spent together. It was weird.
but its hard for someone like me to understand that
I never thought seeing you again Would make my world tremble again I thought I was over this A few years back When I was left with nothing But the faint memory of your lips But seeing you again like this Brings back all of these memories of our beautiful past
I wrote this on February 22, 2020. I had started working at Kroger in October of the previous year, was still trying to stop my situationship with “C”, and had just started dating my most recent ex-the second Andrew. I was becoming hyper aware of my unhealthy relationship patterns and didn’t want to repeat them and had my guard up but life happens and well I fell in love.
February 22, 2020
On the last day of 38 I’m filled with so much hate Hate for the life I never had Hate for me and my soon to be ex spouse and for our toxic codependency The year has been filled with highs and lows- I was prolific with my poetry about my toxic lover My toxic lover that follows a pattern of toxic lovers since the age of 15 Toxic lovers that abused me, used me, and discarded me like trash- Toxic lovers that made me question my worth Toxic lovers that left me breathless with chemistry that felt like a drug Toxic lovers that I kept coming back to out of the habit of not loving myself enough Toxic lovers that never want to define an “us” Toxic lovers-that starting 2 weeks ago I will leave forever alone And on year 38 with all of my hate and rage for my mediocre life I decided to fight Fight with determination and purpose for the life me and my kids deserve Fight with my body working endless hours with fatigue and sore knees for the future I always wanted A future that looks independent and thriving on my own A future that will become my own universe who no one can enter I may cry, I may want to die but I will not give up- not when I’m so close And even though I met a ray of hope with my first lover’s name towards the end of year 38 My walls will stay up and guarded No piece of my vulnerability Will be exposed to him until I’m sure it’s not the same old toxic codependent story On the last day of thirty eight I work on inner healing I work on inner peace I work on goals to finally emerge as a butterfly on year 39 On the last day of 38 I say forever goodbye to toxic patterns and lovers I say forever goodbye to the old insecure me to welcome the new and confident me- I say forever goodbye to my once comfortable and mediocre life to welcome a universe full of great potential–
I wrote this in late 2002. It was about a coworker I was crushing on. I think this was thecoworker that I left a love note for under his windshield wiper. Yeah, that was one of my cringiest/most Joe Goldberg like moment. Haha.
sometimes it be like that
I got the short end of the stick When you were the one my heart picked For I know how you feel You and me could never be real What you don’t know is that Even though I’m not a doormat I would do almost anything for you Even if it meant dying for you You probably don’t even notice How much I long for just one kiss It would send me into a universe of happiness Too bad you don’t think I’m the best You may not know me But you’ve already judged me It’s so hard to discard of the notion That we’ll never share a love emotion You’ll be my discarded crush The one I will forever lust
Life on the BPD 