la ira y furia de mis antepasados femeninas viven en mi ellas me visitan en sueños y me mandan mensajes que cuentan sus historias, sus verdades aunque duelan, aunque algunas me llamaran sádica y dramática ellas me inquietan y me dicen es tiempo de gritar todas las injusticias y trastornos vividow que nuestras muertes no han sido en vano y aunque lloro y trato de ignorar la llamada de la sangre es inevitable-fui escogida- para sus venganzas, para sus historias de redención
can’t blend in with this privileged world wrong age, wrong last name, wrong ethnicity I stand destined for failure on this institutions steps as the pressure to succeeds hang around me like a noose around my neck and yet I still keep going and show up every day if only to teach my kids a lesson in how to keep going when you want to quit
any idea or notion of romance is lost to me I’ve tried every which way to make myself appetizing edible for men to take interest in me, love me but the story always turns sour and I’m tired of rejection followed by bouts of tears and insanity this spring I will not spend my energy trying to manifest another fool I’ll get obsessed about or get caught up in my head and daydreams this spring I’m going to concentrate only on my potential that’s yet to bloom Focus of the world of creativity that resides within waiting to get out
nail on the coffin on the future I wanted no prince charming no house with the white picket fence instead I stare down at the barrel of poverty trying to find a glimmer of who I used to be among my many forgotten dreams
last time I had my last first kiss it was wasted on a middle age scorpio I wore a cute summer dress with red lipstick along with my feminine charm I didn’t have to lay it on thick for him to desire me for him to want to kiss me he would’ve fuck me I hadn’t been on my period his hands roamed almost every inch of my body as if it belong to him for the 5 minutes we made out while I dissociated and pretended I was somewhere else I was numb and devoid of feeling anything Am I even a person? He said things about how I was so hot and sexy and how sad it was that couldn’t screw me And I laughed flirtatiously following the script I’ve had since I could remember and I felt no desire or any pleasure if anything I was repulsed by him, by myself hating how even at 40, I was still pulling the same bullshit since I was 16 making myself an object of desire for me to play with and then something snapped in me that day a couple of hours after that date I sent him a snap along with all the other 7 dudes I was entertaining and keeping as options the same message, “I’m sorry, I’m not in a place to date or even to have men as friends, I wish you the best” it was hard as I had always been addicted to men’s attention and validation but something told me it was time to switch the narrative even though I knew it would be lonely
you were a dead end street that I didn’t see until it unraveled me Until it was too late and I didn’t want to turn around and kept going and eventually I crashed in the most magnificent and catastrophic of ways and I burned and burned until I was ashes and rose up in the most spectacular rebirth anyone had witnessed since Jesus
my morality goes out the window when the madness appears it’s always a combo of impulsivity and hypersexuality longing for connection, longing for intimacy Longing to feel something other than the emptiness that lies within It’s a temporary fix as I run away from my self made prison of stability
I pay tribute to the women who came before me women who sacrificed so my parents could exist my mami who had to leave behind her culture, traditions, and language to give me a better life to make sure I grow up safe and well educated and taught me what strength and resilience means as she worked long days to make ends meet as she showed initiative to move our family forward and with her example I was able to follow it except I change it up some to live a life full of love, community and creativity
wonder how it happened- the transaction between beatriz’ papi and luis did beatriz have any say in her future betrothal did she have dreams as a little girl about her future husband did she even love Luis or just tolerate him because it’s what was expected of her how did it happen did she wish for a different life for her daughters one where they loved their husbands one where they were treated like humans and not treated like cattle
forgotten dreams remembered in a bout of depression I wanted to be much more than this an overwhelmed mom of two trying her best but still failing an chaotic mess who doesn’t know who she is underneath the burdens and expectations placed on her
before I knew who I was I used to be oh so charming to men always agreeing with them, mirroring their interests, stroking their egos and other things and giving them easy access to me I never used much discernment in this my standard were 3000 leagues under the sea So I allowed any mediocre joe who showed me the least bit of attention into my universe and I allowed this to happen for 26 years making myself fodder for these mediocre and insecure joes who left the minute I show then a bit of the fire I held within and everytime they left, I was destroyed and like a tarot’s fool I keep repeating this nonsense until a few years ago, I had enough when the last of the joes said I was too much for him and it was the final straw that broke my romantic girl spirit for a while I was touch and go with my sanity but I rose and rose like the Peruvian diosa I had always been and in horror I realized laying in bed with mediocrity only damaged me, it was time to change this narrative and slowly I recovered from the latest love tragedy and starting writing my own love story one where alone I’m enough and the protagonist and never again have to tone down who I am or hide the fire and magic that resides in me
on sundays I give myself permission to live inside my head where I build a world I can freely imagine and play in where only a select few I let in on sundays, I jump timelines from the 90s to last year to my present writing about past experiences that still linger in my mind on sundays I give myself permission to be a complete hermit with only my playlist, my pen, and my paper to keep me company
it’s the wild wild west inside my head it’s where my demons decide to come out to play they dance with traumatic memories making my fears and insecurities come out to the surface it’s the wild wild west inside my head being insane becomes my personality and aesthetic scaring away any potential love candidates it’s been a long time since I held someone’s hand much less been in someone’s bed It’s the wild wild went inside my head And I wonder when will the demons get tired and leave so maybe one day I’m not so jaded so maybe one day I give someone the chance to take me out on a date
Shadows of past sorrows came to visit me tonight they were triggered by that Taylor swift song on vinyl I poured myself some Hennessy to cope made a toast to what could have beens as tears fall on my paper trying to understand the journey is sometimes shitty and full of nails I had to step to get here on the other side of madness and chaotic living Living life intentionally and no longer just for the moment
no hay diferencia entre ella y mármol sus manos y pies quedan quietos y ella hace los gestos apropiados aunque nada tiene sentido en este momento lleva un volcán de ira guardado dentro de ella mientras hablaban sobre tonterías y ella lleva una sonrisa falsa en su cara
