Poetry: Losing My Mind
I wrote this in November of 2001. It was of course about what I thought was the most horrible breakup of my life. Lol.
I’m losing my mind
Learning your promises were just false lines
Your love meant so much to me
I guess this means no anniversaries
I just couldn’t handle
When I got that infamous call
Especially when she had to say
That you had gone her way
And you had given away my hugs and kisses
You destroyed all of my innermost wishes
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Poetry: That Night
I wrote this poem about my oldest son’s dad about the night I met him. I was obviously infatuated right away as 16 year olds tend to be. He was 21 and I was 16 and that situation was really predatory but at that time, I didn’t think nothing of it.
That night
You took my sweaty hands into yours
And my heart started beating fast and furiously
That night
I looked into your sincere and beautiful brown eyes
And knew that you were for real
That night
You put your arms around me
And made everything seemed possible
That night
You kissed me gently
And worked your way up to my lips
That night
You professed your love to me
And made time stand still
That night
I found what I was looking for
In your arms, that night
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Aw..falling in love 🥰
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Poetry: Same Old Ugly Song
This was written in November of 2001 after a breakup. I think of 20 year old naive me that put her all of her trust into this guy who appeared to be a “nice guy” only to be deceived later on. I don’t remember how or when but suddenly I was writing all of these poems to process the anger after that deception. How I process things after a traumatic event has changed throughout the years but it has always involved writing.
At first I thought your love was sweet
You even had me at your feet
Then you did a 180 turn
And I finally learned
That you were the same old ugly song
Just another pathetic con
So my love turned into an ocean of hate
Of realizing way too late
How blind I had been to see
that you were only using me
And it burns me so bad
That you drove me into a quicksand of sad
And unfortunately I still remember
That loving and understanding was what we were
But you ruined that when you went to her
And that’s what caused “us” to go under
And I hope you and her were meant to be
Because you’ve seen the last of me
I am completely done
Waiting for the day you’ll come
Even though I may be lonely
I have to accept you’re just a bad memory
Now I have to go on
Hoping I won’t end up with
The same old ugly song
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Poetry: To the One Who Claimed to Love Me
I wrote this in the summer of 2019 during a break from “C”. I think that during this break, I thought we were really done and I was super salty about it.
To the one that claimed to love me
I was yours, you had me
But you decided to dispose of me
I wrote poetry about you
Thinking your feelings were true
But my feelings, you made fun of
By claiming you felt love
You treated me like a barbie doll
And you told me over and over and over again
I love you
When your words should have been
I love fucking you
You claimed to not be “that guy”
Yet you almost made me want to die
You claimed to be different
But you turned out to be the same
Asshole man
You claimed I was the only one
But I was one of many you used for fun
You acted like you cared
You wore your lies well
And now that our lust filled
Fiasco is done
I still don’t regret that I was the one
Who loved you honestly, genuinely,
Purely-
And you blew your chance
At ever having me
You were a hard lesson to learn
And I was the girl
You weren’t ready for
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Poetry: Merry Go Round of Fuckery
I wrote this in the summer of 2019 about C when we were on another break. Thinking back on this period in my life when I would get so mad about him ghosting again and again and going back to him again and again feels so strange now. I don’t feel like the same person that wrote this.
We’re back here once again
You ghost, you ignore, you abandon
And I beg you to come back
It’s our merry go round of fuckery
I’m mad,I’m sad, I’m done
I’m finally almost recovered
From you-
Trying to forget you, mourning you,
Accepting you’re gone –
And then a text from you
It’s our merry go round of fuckery
Crying, writing, running
Each day it gets easier
Learning to forget you
But then, a “how are you”
Appears on my phone
It’s our merry go round of fuckery
Will you ever go away?
Am I always going to be this insane?
When will I get off from
Our merry go round of fuckery?
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Breaking an addiction to someone is hard. 😥😭💔
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Writing is my passion. 😍💕💗
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Poetry: My Bad Habit
I wrote this about C. in the late summer of 2020 after we were yet on another break. I guess the sex really made me obsess over him.
I can’t turn my body off
From wanting you
Even if you make my heart blue
You take up space in my brain
Even when you bring me so much pain
Why does lust make me so blind?
You are my obsession
Even after your devastation
You show up in my dreams
I wish you didn’t exist
I wish there was a spell
To forget how you made me melt
I’m sure that time
Will make your memory fade
And will time
make me heal from
The experience of you
I just wish that time
Would speed up so that
You were only a distant memory
That I already learned to forget
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Poetry: Another Girl
I wrote this in 2001 after experiencing a really bad break up. Break ups tend not just break my heart but also make question my self worth. It’s really hard for me to get over someone especially if I get super attached to that person. In this case, I had been with the dude for like 2 months and I guess thought that maybe he was “the one”. Well that wasn’t the case when I found out he had been cheating on me the entire time. At least it inspired dozens and dozens of poems. Lol.
You make me feel like shit
and it’s breaking me bit by bit
I don’t know what to do
Knowing you love someone new
I feel so helpless
I’ve become such a big mess
and now seeing you and her
I see now that I was just another girl
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Poetry: Independence Day (a love poem)
I wrote this poem in the summer of 2019 when C had ghosted me for the millionth time and I thought that I was finally done with him and I was determined not to go back with him. Of course, that wouldn’t be the case. This relates to one of my BPD traits which is fear of abandonment. I think one of the reasons I kept letting him come back.
I’m finally free
Of the spell
You have over me
I’m finally free
Of the butterflies
I felt when I saw your text
I’m no longer blinded
By your callous ways
I will no longer tolerate
Your undercover mistreatment
I can no longer be part of
My continuing self destruction
I’ve learned to stay away
From the intensity of your gaze
I’ve learned to love myself enough
To stop holding on to your false love
I’ve learned to stop ruining my life..
Because of our connection?
Our chemistry?
Nah, it’s just bomb ass sex.
I’ve learned that my self worth
Can’t be tied to you, my toxic lover
My self worth
Is tied into my self love
Into loving the best parts
And the worst parts of me
But most of all I’ve learned
That no amount of orgasms
Or passionate kisses
Or sparks
Are worth me agonizing
Once again
If I’m good enough
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Poetry: She Flew
I wrote this poem in February of 2006 when my mother in law passed away suddenly. I knew for a short time but she was one of the most gracious and kindest individuals I ever met.
She flew one afternoon without warning
To a place unknown
Why did she have to fly?
Was it really her time?
And now everyone left behind
has puddles dripping from their eyes
Why did she have to fly?
Was it really her time?
Regrets and remorse
Have become our two worlds
Why did she have to fly?
Was it really her time?
No fancy words could ever express
How it feels to lose your best
Why did she have to fly?
Was it really her time?
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Poetry: Don’t
I wrote this poem 2002 and it was yet another poem inspired by the bio dad of my oldest child. For many years. I had so much unresolved rage and anger about how he abandoned my son and used poetry as a way to process it.
Don’t even try to understand me
You don’t even know me
I was born with your DNA
But to you, I have nothing to say
I once was a babe, a boy
And now a man
Don’t pretend to give a damn
I’ve done grown up to become
A man unlike you that doesn’t run
No thanks to you “Dad”
You left when I was a mere lad
So please go on on your way
I can’t stand the sight of you
Another day
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Poetry: In the ICU
I wrote this poem in 2018 when my grandmother passed away. She was in the ICU for about a week before she passed and it was tough on the family.
She lies between this world and the next
She can’t decide between her husband
Or her kids
She is tired, she is drained, she is 94
She lies between this world and the next
She needs to let her body decide a final rest
But her spirit wants to stay
withinIn the cocoon of her family
She lies between this world and the next
She slowly feels her ancient and battered body
Give up….
It is tired of the endless pain
And her spirit
slowly agrees
And
Lets her leave in peace to the heaven that is him
Life on the BPD 