me and my boys-one of the major reasons I’m determined to be the strongest and most empowered woman in their lives
Our children pay attention to the stories we tell ourselves I noticed when my son’s heart broke for the first time and it awakened a deep catharsis within me I would no longer hold onto my victim story the one where I tell myself, “I’m worthless, I’m not good enough, I’m unlovable” Instead I’ll walk with confidence and all of the self love I can muster up for myself maybe just maybe if I can model this type of healthy behavior the cycle of generational self loathing and self destruction will finally be broken And my children has a chance of living a life filled with more joy and contentment than mental illness
I cry a lot but I’m productive, it’s an art-Taylor Swift
I finally killed the romantic in me and I feel free and so happy because me and love are a toxic and explosive combo that makes me a terrible, crazy and delusional soul because love always brings out the worst in and right now, I need peace, I need calm I need to find stability within and I’ll never have that as long as I try to hold on to the romantic in me Goodbye to love You never made me feel like I was enough
this didn’t come easily but I finally love myself to the moon and back it was a hard process after so many years of self loathing and drowning in my insecurities I was my own worst enemy constantly focusing and scrutinizing Every single one of my imperfections Ugh, I’m too dumb or too fat or too old Never did I see myself as a masterpiece of God’s making until this year and now I’ve grown to love and accept every version of myself because despite of all of my mistakes and flaws I’m still worthy of all the love in the world
The sweetness of life has me on a euphoric high where everything and everyone is wonderful where nothing or noone can bring me down And I feel like a goddess, a bad bitch, a Queen I live for moments like this where happiness is my best friend But then the sourness of life happens and I’m brought down to a hell of depression and despair Where I hate everything and everyone Where everything weighs me down and I’m losing my mind And I feel worthless, crazy and like a selfish bitch
I want to scream, I want to cry I want to throw myself off the precipice of some cliff but faith whispers to me “You will not always feel like this” and slowly I begin to piece myself back together and It’s hard at first because I don’t know where to start Because so much in me is shattered and scattered But somehow I know that faith is by my side and hope will quickly follow and I won’t always feel so lonely, so hopeless
Old insecurities come to visit me again, they shake up my newly acquired confidence they tell me I’m not smart enough and I’ll never be truly loved They tell the only thing I have going for me is how sexy I can be Otherwise I’m a waste of a person because of my bpd And I try to shut it all down and not once again drown Because I have made so much progress and have come so far Only to once again fight an anxiety and depression war but it’s daunting not to let the negativity get to me So here I go once again trying to calm down my brain from intense and intrusive thoughts by covering myself with self love
“I can’t recall the last time I was kissed”-Lizzy McAlpine
I didn’t mean to, it wasn’t in my plans for self improvement But I fell for you in spring I don’t even know when it started to happen All I remember is absolutely hating it hated how soft and corny it made me hated how I started smiling at your messages hated how you started to melt my jadedness about love and how I finally felt like love was a possibility for me
With my last rock bottom, I learned many things I learned about the power of my strength and resilience I learned how to be truly alone I learned about self-love and how to feel enough And I learned how maybe love isn’t for me and all of these things were hard for me to learn But after my last rock bottom I came out a different person A person who understands herself better A person who stopped apologizing for who she is and is no longer afraid to be herself
maybe in another universe, another lifetime we would have been right for each other we could have been twin flames but in this universe, in this lifetime we were just lessons learned some karmic debt we both needed to pay
So this year I was able to do the napowrimo challenge last month in which I wrote one poem a day and posted it to my blog. For information about what Napowrimo is and where I got my prompts, here is the link: https://www.napowrimo.net/
april 1st-me on the first day of the challenge
I wasn’t able to do the challenge last year because I was in Peru and well, I was too busy enjoying my vacation to think about the challenge.
me in Peru last year…experiencing the poetry of nature instead of writing about it
I did do the challenge in 2022 and I can definitely tell a difference in my poetry from that year to this year. Here’s that blog post: https://wordpress.com/post/lifeonthebpd.com/3708 So a few things I have noticed in my poetry this year is I’ve gotten stronger in using imagery, my vocabulary is way better and I’ve even written some funny stuff. Here’s one inspired by Yung Gravy that I loved and read at open mic:
I got to perform this at a variety show this month and got serenaded after by a zoomer-lol
Another thing I noticed is that I’m getting better at telling a story through my poetry and here’s an example of this, this one is also one of my most vulnerable poems that I loved:
this was one of my most vulnerable and favorite poems
I will admit that not all of my poems were “good poems” and I’ll also admit that there were some days that it was hard to stay on task doing this daily since I do work 60 hour weeks but my discipline and determination won and even on the hardest and busiest of days, I still manage to write and post a poem. Also, I was determined to use the prompts from the napowrimo site and at times those prompts were challenging. However, I still used those prompts to the best of my ability. Also, when I did the challenge in 2022 I said something about turning off my internal editor and writing the poem and posting it right away. While I did turn off my internal editor (somewhat) when I wrote the first draft of the poem, I actually edited that first draft after I wrote it. I wrote a second draft in my journal and that’s what I posted in my blog. This shows I’m growing as a writer as I’m editing and paying more attention to what I post. I think one of the major reasons I’ve grown as a writer is because I’ve found community with other poets online and in real life. One thing I thought a lot about as I was doing this challenge was my audience. My friend Alex (another poet) told me that when he writes his poetry, he thinks about how it will sound while reading it to an audience and that really stuck with me. I know I’ve said so many times, “I write for myself primarily” and while that is still true, I think that in order for me to build community I need to also think about my audience and my readers. I don’t think this takes away from my authenticity at all; I think I’m just growing as a writer who aims to become better.
I’m so good at documenting those moments
My advice to anyone who’s thinking about doing the challenge next year is do it for yourself and be gentle with yourself. Understand you don’t have to post it if you don’t want to and use any prompts available on the internet. As I look into doing this challenge this year, I’m thinking of making my own prompts in Spanish and English for anyone interested in doing the challenge. I hope that next April when God willing I do the napowrimo challenge again I’m better at my craft and I can inspire some of my fellow poets to do the challenge with me.
What’s the cost of being authentically me? not everyone will like me, lovers will run away from me I have a hard time finding someone who accepts me but it’s fine, it’s okay my worth means more to me than anyone who wants me to swallow parts of myself to accommodate to them because my self-esteem means more than acting like someone else’s dream so maybe the cost of being truly me is low compared to the parts of my true self I would lose for false friendships and false loves
I’m a lone brunette wolf in a world full of blonde sheep my exes always preferred blondes over me I never knew exactly why perhaps blondes really do have more fun perhaps blondes are easier to manipulate this used to bother me greatly, even robbed me of my sanity and sleep but eventually I had a great epiphany the one meant for me will not just love how sweet I can be He’ll also love and encourage the savage in me he’ll know how to ride the turbulent waves of my mood swings I’m not sure if I’ll meet him soon or if he even exists but after this grand epiphany I no longer care about my exes and their blonde sheep In fact, I wish them all the best fairytale ending
on the shitty days I remember there is another open mic to go to
not every day can be filled with peace, calm, joy or excitement Some days are absolutely shitty and depressing Some days it’s hard to get up in the morning without screaming fuck repeatedly on your way to work Some days are overwhelming to push through as hormones and emotions fuck you up Some days are for questioning your life choices over and over again allowing doubt and insecurity to cloud you its accomplice self invalidation Some days are for getting up only to look forward to the end of it when you can sleep with the hope for a better day
my poetry has never been to get attention, likes, comments, validation and while I appreciate all those things I have to be honest – my poetry is and will always be for me to speak my truth, to process my feelings, to heal from life’s tragedies to understand myself and learn to love myself as I am my poetry is the ultimate love letter to myself and the universe
Life on the BPD 