me manifesting that one day I’ll be holding a book with my stories
middle age me is not seeking revenge on all who caused me trauma I’m simply trying to make sense of the fuckery that happened to me I’m simply trying to address the unhealed trauma that still lies within me and haunts me in my dreams I’m trying to process and understand that I never deserved any of it I’m trying to get rid of that shame and guilt I’ve carried from it and while sometimes that looks vindictive I’m sorry but the only way to my journey in healing work is through uninhibited storytelling
I’m looking for the rhythm of a new heartbeat to fall in love with A heartbeat that goes with the flow of my intense intimacy A heartbeat who doesn’t call me angel or princess only calls me by my name a heartbeat who’ll fall in love with the real me and not the idea they have of me or the persona I play on social media A heartbeat who can handle my crazy and chaos A heartbeat who accepts and understands me and never tries to change me
I actually started writing this poem sometime in 2017 and finished it in January 2020. A big part of my identity is being an immigrant. This poem was inspired by the hardships and struggles I’ve seen my parents and other immigrants go through. This poem was also inspired by the Trump administration and the xenophobia that was felt in my life during that time.
immigration leads to discrimination of immigrants into this so called united nation the ones with brown skin and dark eyes justice to them is greatly denied xenophobia is the driving sensation
their bosses sing a song called exploitation and they hum along to it to live in this democratic nation they leave their language and culture behind to endure the american lie but don’t quite fit into the gringo equation
Is their sacrifice worth so much separation from their families, their language, and their nation? Ah-America – the land of the free yet none of them are truly free living in a soulless and consumerist society
I wrote this poem in January of 2020. Maybe I was mad at the patriarchy or just feeling weighed down by the expectations that society has on women. I know that for me, it has been a huge burden at times to constantly keep up an appearance that I am put together balanced woman even if I am falling apart.
me in January of 2020
The strength we have to carry as women is obscene Endless expectations weigh on us generation after generation We are buried in the burdens that society has placed on us since before we were born Be pretty but don’t show your body Be smart but we don’t want your opinion Be motherly and nurturing but still a working and productive member of society It is a never ending nightmare to try to reach the ridiculous standards placed upon our beauty, wealth, and motherhood Some of us seem to do it with grace Some of us are barely hanging on by a thread Quite a few of us would rather die than continue with the facade and the myth of a balanced woman.
ceo assassin come find me, I bet you’re a crazy communist who can match my bpd and bipolar energy you leave me breathless with an insatiable sexual hunger to make magic between my sheets ceo assassin come find me, let’s run away together from this capitalistic bullshit society and form our own version of utopia one where universal healthcare is a real thing, one where no one has to work 60 hour weeks to make ends meet, one where we are working to live and not living to work ceo assassin come find me, I don’t care that you’re on the most wanted list, I don’t care that they call you a murderous psychopath all I can see in front of me is divine masculinity and bravery who’s fucking tired of the trickle down economics false narrative this consumerist society conditions us to believe and i, more than other people understand you perfectly I can’t recall how many times I, too have found myself in a murderous rage wanting to turn to violence to make my working class anger heard and seen to send a message to the haves and the heathers, karens, chads, and brads of the world fuck you and your vacations, your teslas, and your brand name clothing while the rest of us have to settle for crumbs of the American Dream ceo assassin come find me, between your anger and mine combined, it could be the match that ignites an entire revolution not just against those who deny our insurance claims but also going against the 1 percent who deny us the freedom to just exist without worrying about how to make it in this consumeristic society and parasitic world without going crazy
Sometimes I miss our rollercoaster of toxicity even when you came back to me sober you still managed to emotionally dysregulate me and destroy me and while I’ve tried to find a replacement for you no one holds a candle to you no one brings me the level of excitement you once did everyone feels meh and blah compared to you, everyone is mediocre
on days like today when the world hurts and i can’t stop doom scrolling reminding me that everything is burning I put down my phone, pause and breathe and ground myself in my friendships which are a reminder of love to me which are a reminder that no matter what happens in this world, I have people to hold space for me which are a reminder of hope and because of that I can keep on going
I had fallen in love with brown and hazel eyes Before the disaster with blue eyes walked into my life Those blue eyes would make me believe in love again Those blue eyes would be the first to make me want to die of shame and guilt and cause more trauma than he ever intended Then again, I was only twenty and there were a dozen years between us he should have known better than to fuck with a girl who was barely a woman but carnal desire ruled both him and I And we were tricked thinking it was love but we were completely wrong and he got to walk away without any consequences While I was slut shamed and had to endure the trauma
The way my body feels as my legs take flight brings freedom to my soul It brings me a sense of amazement thinking of how I went from couch potato to a woman who needs a run in the sun to feel grounded, to feel sane
The rain falls steadily in Autumn and I remember the 9 days in the summer When the tears wouldn’t quit raining from my eyes The eternal emotional pain wouldn’t stop the lonely nights I couldn’t sleep the infinite anger and sadness that I felt the emptiness that wouldn’t go away the food I couldn’t eat. And yet I still woke up every day with a determination to live live for my kids live for my friends live for myself even at my worst, even at my most vulnerable Somehow, I managed managed to find strength managed to find inspiration and somehow managed to find my way back to myself Summer was the season I died when I was rejected by the one who claimed to love me Autumn is the season I was reborn and I fell back in love with myself, forgot him and fell into the magic that is me
The stillness in my life makes me insane I’m craving an adventure I’m craving ecstasy I’m craving the unpredictable To lie in the stillness feels like dying and I want to live Live life spontaneously,live life musically Live a life full of excitement To live in this stillness makes me feel like I’m drowning in a lake of stagnation
beneath the fog, I almost crashed my car I wasn’t drunk, just under the influence of seroquel and crazy from the euphoria just experienced in the arms of my ex lover Beneath the fog, I almost crashed my car but I used all of my DBT skills to calm down and manage to park my car at a gas station To gain my composure and suddenly Kid LAROI is blasting from some zoomer’s truck with a message for me from the universe that I’d be alright despite life’s almost disasters and that the sexual creature I’ve held with for most than two years is alive and well and ready to make up for lost time
the lovergirl in me manifesting to change my prophecy
there’s a love poem for me being written somewhere in the universe and it will appear in the most unexpected way it won’t be something forced, it won’t be something illicit or immoral it will fit perfectly into my chaotic world of community and poetry and while this man is bound to get on my nerves (like they all do) He’ll be strong enough to withstand my nonsense and mood swings He’ll be the lover daydream I’ve been waiting for since I was 15 and my kids with watch us and say “ew, cringe”
if these two can find love then maybe just maybe I can as well
the sound of my love will not come with “I love yous” or cute little texts with heart emojis the sound of my love comes in loud waves of poetry in the playlists I make dominated by Taylor Swift and Conan Gray the sound of my love is a lightning bolt that will not be ignored it’s me telling the audience I hate being vulnerable but I cannot quell the romantic girl in me when she feels something and then reading a love poem she wrote
Life on the BPD 