Posted on by pattytacuri

poetry: so long, Belgium

I wrote this poem in June of 2022.

write that story

Once again I’m thrown off the pedestal for standing up  for myself
for wanting respect
I’m accused of being a stranger and crazy
My response is :
I did warn you, I did tell you
I have no space in my life for you, I was never looking for romance
I never asked for your love, and now i’m the villain
and you’re another victim
a victim who  love bombed me over and over again
a victim who harassed me with unsolicited dick videos and pics
who never asked for my consent and forced himself into my world
Sorry for not being the girl of your dreams
but I’m also sorry for any ounce of my energy I was pressured to invest in you
maybe now you’ll leave me alone
and maybe even one day, you’ll learn to ask for consent
and perhaps even learn to treat women with respect

Posted on by pattytacuri

poetry: waiting

I wrote this poem in June of 2023.

“back when I was living for the hope of it all”-Taylor Swift

I’m a poet, I’m a writer but when it comes to expressing the romantic in me
I have the hardest time
I’m great at expressing my anger, my disappointment, my shame
but when it comes to love, I shy away and put my guard up
it’s a mix of trauma and cognitive distortions I’ve held within me
since the age of 16
self limiting beliefs that no man has ever loved or respected me
and failing at all of my love stories no matter
how hard I tried to succeed, no matter how much I accommodated
or changed for my partner, he leaves me
and I’m left flabbergasted, devastated, traumatized
so embedded and attached to my past tragedies
I’m apprehensive and hesitant when it comes to trying on someone new.
when to comes to pursuing anything more than friendship
it leaves me in the land of “I don’t know how to fucking do this again
without it breaking me”
and so I sit still, waiting for my crush to say something, do something
to restart my heart once again

Posted on by pattytacuri · 2 Comments

poetry: flutter

I wrote this poem in June of 2023.

“but on a wednesday in a cafe, I watched it begin again”- Taylor Swift

I avoid the flutter of butterflies in my stomach at all costs
I don’t want to get lost and consumed by love
Some people call this avoidance cowardice,
Some people call this a trauma response
I call it keeping my sanity intact
and being more safe than sorry

Posted on by pattytacuri

poetry: small town

I wrote this poem in June of 2023.

me with my emotionally supportive squad who helped me fill out my divorce paperwork- Shoutout to Meg, who took tacos for payment as she filled out most of it and gave me advice…

you’re my small town I’ve outgrown but am afraid to leave
no one seems to understand this
they’re concerned you’re holding me back
they’re concerned staying with you stiffens my dreams
and while I know they want what’s best for me
and I agree with most of what they say
How do I explain to them, it’s more complicated
than I’ve made it out to be
while you are hard to live with
life without you feels almost empty
and while it’s the right thing to do to end our marriage
so we can move forward as a family
it’s still hard to imagine a beginning without you

Posted on by pattytacuri · 1 Comment

poetry: are we having fun yet?

I wrote this poem in June of 2022.

Be careful who you're loyal too
My lack of common sense left being me loyal to people who never deserved it..

Our story needed to end and today feels like the definitive ending
You’ll never give me the consistency in love I need
And I’ll never birth the baby you wanted
We’re too different, we’re too alike
and I sarcastically and constantly ask myself “are we having fun yet”
Sometimes we did but most of the time I never understood where I stood
So block me and , forget me
You’ll never be enough for me and I’ll never be enough for you

Posted on by pattytacuri · 1 Comment

poetry: victory

I wrote this poem in June of 2023.

me and my boobs against the world

everything annoys me today
playing nice with my OCD coworkers
my kids wanting to spend time with me
when all I want to do is sleep
and let’s not forget
my friend bringing up my karmic relationship
Ugh-will this day ever end
so I hold on to the small victories
like how my boobs look great in my dress
how the curvature of my cleavage is masterpiece
worthy of poetry
and maybe it’s just vanity, but damn
on a hot day full of stupidity
it’s the one victory I’m giving to myself today

Posted on by pattytacuri

poetry: road to somewhere

I wrote this poem in June of 2022.

I learned my worth that summer

Got two hours of sleep last night
But I still woke up with excitement in my bones
Excited about a future without you
Excited that you’re really gone from my life
Because while I loved you and had many good times
You were never going to change, and neither was I
We were on the road to nowhere
And now that we’re forever apart
We’re on the road to somewhere
Somewhere that gives us space to grow
Somewhere without the pain and drama we caused each other
Somewhere that brings us the peace and love we need
to be authentic

Posted on by pattytacuri

poetry: tentacles

I wrote this poem in June of 2020.

for real

He knows how to reach me
in a way no one else can
his tentacles are embedded in me
and it’s hard to escape
I’ve tried and have succeeded
and felt a sense of freedom-
But then
His tentacles reach out
and grab me
it’s useless trying to free myself-
He’s got a spell over
My mind, my body and my soul
He rules it with lips and his hands
And his body–
And his tentacles are encrusted deep within me–
Will I ever be truly free?

Posted on by pattytacuri · 1 Comment

poetry: war

I wrote this poem in June of 2020.

it took awhile for me to get the message

She wants to get away
but her heart won’t let her

She wants to stop loving him
but everything in her
refuses to do so

She doesn’t want to miss him
but her body aches for him

He inspires a war within herself
and just when she thinks she’s won
the war and they are done-finite-over
He comes back to her with a 2 word text
and she lets him back in

Posted on by pattytacuri · 1 Comment

poetry: emotional stability

I wrote this poem in May of 2022.

my superpower

These are the ingredients for emotional stability:
Stay away from love at all costs
Get enough sleep
Write, write, write
Exercise 3 times a week
Stay away from love at all costs
Meditate and practice mindfulness
Read, read, read
Spend time with my kids
Call my parents
Stay away from love at all costs
Masturbate
Listen to music to match my mood
Go to therapy
Cut down on alcohol
Stay away from love at all costs

Posted on by pattytacuri

poetry: the old patty died a while ago

I wrote this poem in May of 2023.

“I wanna live life from a new perspective” -Panic! At the Disco

old trauma wounds swim up to the surface
Triggered by a thoughtless comment
a dismissive action
and I speak up this time instead of holding it in
But I’m ignored
as if my hurt feelings mean nothing
But this time, instead of letting it go
and going with the flow
I reciprocate the same dismissive energy
because the version of me
Who’d allow herself to be run over
just to be accepted no longer exists

Posted on by pattytacuri

poetry: at war with myself

I wrote this poem in May of 2022.

Old insecurities come to visit me again,
they shake up my newly acquired confidence
they tell me I’m not smart enough and I’ll never be truly loved
They tell the only thing I have going for me is how sexy I can be
Otherwise I’m a waste of a person because of my bpd
And I try to shut it all down and not once again drown
Because I have made so much progress and have come so far
Only to once again fight an anxiety and depression war
but it’s daunting not to let the negativity get to me
So here I go once again trying to calm down my brain
from intense and intrusive thoughts by covering myself with self love

Posted on by pattytacuri

poetry: the cost

I wrote this in May of 2022.

the cut that always bleeds-conan gray

What’s the cost of being authentically me?
not everyone will like me, lovers will run away from me
I have a hard time finding someone who accepts me
but it’s fine, it’s okay
my worth means more to me than anyone
who wants me to swallow parts of myself
to accommodate to them
because my self-esteem means more than acting
like someone else’s dream
so maybe the cost of being truly me is low
compared to the parts of my true self
I would lose for false friendships and false loves

Posted on by pattytacuri · 2 Comments

poetry: she wolf

aqui esta versión en Español:

poesía: loba

I’m a lone brunette wolf in a world full of blonde sheep
my exes always preferred blondes over me
I never knew exactly why
perhaps blondes really do have more fun
perhaps blondes are easier to manipulate
this used to bother me greatly,
even robbed me of my sanity and sleep
but eventually I had a great epiphany
the one meant for me will not just love how sweet I can be
He’ll also love and encourage the savage in me
he’ll know how to ride the turbulent waves of my mood swings
I’m not sure if I’ll meet him soon or if he even exists
but after this grand epiphany
I no longer care about my exes and their blonde sheep
In fact, I wish them all the best fairytale ending

Posted on by pattytacuri

poetry: love letter

I wrote this poem in april of 2023.

profound thoughts as I write my love letter

my poetry has never been to get attention, likes, comments, validation
and while I appreciate all those things
I have to be honest –
my poetry is and will always be for me to speak my truth,
to process my feelings, to heal from life’s tragedies
to understand myself and learn to love myself as I am
my poetry is the ultimate love letter to myself and the universe