a tsunami of trauma washes over me and I regress to being 16- as I walk on the beach where I first fell in love as I stand on the bridge where I lost my shit and almost jumped off- regret and guilt sit at the bottom of my stomach and I want to vomit Instead, I pause and count to ten and breathe and I’m transported back to my present I’m safe again in my body- as I come to accept and love the immature and impulsive girl I once was who carelessly gave herself to others who never thought about the consequences and took risks she wasn’t the atrocity I made her out to be- she was just in a rush to live her life
To my sons, when I leave the earth Remember I am with you always I am in my oldest son’s resilience I am in my middle son’s dark humor I am in my youngest son’s bright energy I exist in your laughter, in your cries, in your failures, in your wins I am and always will be with you
bad bitches go to therapy-me about to go see my therapist in July of this year
The big question is “Do I still have BPD?” well I had another assessment done in late spring and I still wear the scarlet letters of mental illness, BPD. I was infuriated because I have worked my ass off in therapy, doing all of the healthy things, abstaining from sex and relationships, and reading everything I can to get better and I still have the diagnosis. My therapist did say my symptoms were a lot milder than when I first came in. She also said that it could take several years before I can say I’m “recovered”. She has also recently discharged me from therapy because I’m doing so well and at this point I might be using therapy as a crutch. Ouch. It sounds harsh but honestly, she’s right. Going back to therapy this time around, I went back to get better at regulating my emotions. It sounds strange because while I have done a lot of work and adhere to a strict routine, I still have trouble at times when life gets chaotic or there are big changes. I know too well the consequences of what happens if I don’t get help. So whether that’s medication changes, a refresher on DBT skills. reading books about mental health or even taking time off; I will do whatever it takes to get back to a normal baseline for me so I can continue to heal and thrive.
a few of the mental health book I’ve read to help me understand my diagnosis and trauma
Another big thing that happened in this second year was that I was able to identify my values and live in alignment with them. Honesty, integrity, community, family, compassion and grace are just a few I identify with this year. Before my diagnosis, I was trying to survive and find solace in these pockets of temporary adrenaline rushes and happiness. I not only caused chaos but also invited it into my life over and over again. It was a realization I had shortly after things ended with me and C last summer. I think that was when I decided I needed to understand what true solitude meant without the distraction of anything resembling lust or romance. It was one of the hardest challenges I had to face. And I won’t lie, the loneliness was crushing at times and it drove me insane on some nights but I relied on my writing and my friends to get me through the worst of it and somehow made it to the other side. And on the other side, was my empowered and higher self. Am I all the way healed? No freaking way. But like I was telling one of my new friends when I was explaining my BPD diagnosis, “I was like Clementine from Eternal Sunshine of Spotless Mind but now I’m much better. I’m way healthier and much better at managing my emotions”.
my favorite self lives in alignment with her values
It’s been 2 years since my BPD diagnosis and some things have changed, some things have remained the same. I still have the same two jobs and still adhere to my strict routine of consistency and routine with exercise, writing, and therapy. I’m still on the same meds for my anxiety and depression. All of that has helped with my continued progress and growth. And I still continue to suffer from major depressive episodes but it’s not as bad as it used to be and here’s a blog I wrote about it recently:
What has changed overall has been me. I remember last year writing about how I was living an authentic life and while that was mostly true, there was still something I had to take care of to make this true, my divorce and telling my youngest son about it. I went back to therapy to navigate these big feelings in actually starting the process and following through and telling my youngest son about it. I’m glad to report, I filed for divorce a couple of months ago and told my son who took it better than I expected. After this, I felt like this major burden of guilt and grief has been lifted off from me. It was hard, really hard to have lied about this part of my life for the past four years to my son and to other family members. Three of those years, I felt like I was leading a double life as I had to be careful not to let one part of my life bleed into the other. It was awful and reflecting back on this, I think this was a major trigger for my mental health breakdown in the summer of 2021. Feeling guilt and shame with the immensity of emotions that comes with BPD is horrible and something I would never wish on my worst enemy.
me and my youngest son on his birthday
Another major thing that happened in year 2 is that I took two trips to my homeland, Peru. The first one was in September of 2022 and the second one was in March of this year. Both times I went, it was amazing and the first trip helped me reconnect with my roots and find a sense of identity I had been searching for all of this time. I hadn’t been back since I was 9 so it had been 32 years since I had been home. It was strange, glorious, amazing and overwhelming at the same time. It felt like I finally found a piece within me that had been missing all of this time.
Finally home after 32 years -September of 2022
The second trip was even better because I took my oldest son who hadn’t been on a plane since he was an infant and we got to visit my dad’s hometown of Oxapampa. I think I’m still processing that trip because it was so special and meaningful to take my son to Peru and show him his and my roots. I’m honestly still processing both trips and I’ll write about both of them later. What I can say is that both trips helped in my healing and recovery process from my BPD symptoms. Before, I was still floundering when it came to trying to establish a stable identity. That changed radically after I came back from my first trip.
me and my oldest son in Oxapampa, Peru in April of this year-the beer in Oxapampa is the BEST EVER-anything else is MID
I let go of control over what I can’t change and allow the source to do what’s best for me because faith has always shone a light in me because I’ve never felt alone because of her she has the power to transform, she provides the hope for me to go on as I walk towards self worth, confidence and empowerment in my heroine’s journey
Let’s go to war with ourselves and speak our truth and heal unprocessed trauma within and face our fear and insecurities we’ll walk out with confidence and feel empowered We’ll leave with versions of ourselves ready to reach our full potential and ready to love
when the world gets to be too much I block, I delete, I ignore I don’t want to waste my precious energy and time on anything that drains me, that robs me of my peace I’ve fought too hard to get to a place of serenity and I can’t allow anyone or anything to ruin my newfound reality of tranquility
I used to water my roots with the supposed love of others their compliments, their energy made me whole but eventually they’d tired of being my water, my earth my everything and leave And I was left once again incomplete- until one day I learned to water my roots with my tears, my strength, my self-love And now my growth and potential are infinite
I used to have a tunnel vision of love thought it could only be felt with someone but I was wrong love is in the trees love is in the ocean love is in the earth and love is in myself my higher power taught me this and it’s a lesson I’ll forever cherish
I’m not the woman of your dreams or the woman you’ll worship as a deity or the woman who accommodates and bends according to your needs but I’m the woman who’ll haunt you with the “what ifs”, I’m the woman who’ll fuel your creativity, I’m the woman who’ll make you believe magics exists
I give my pain and sorrow to God and it lessens the heaviness in my soul and I’ve never felt lighter and I laugh more and feel content and gratitude and I no longer want to die Instead I’m excited to live I’m excited about my wrinkles and every birthday because I’m finally enjoying the gift of life God has bestowed on me
Life on the BPD 