Maybe I need a new love story-even if it’s temporary so I can find relief and some peace from this loneliness That’s making me into an insane mess Maybe losing myself in someone else Will stop making me feel less- or perhaps what’s really happening It’s me allowing my depression talk me into finding a solution- for my neverending frustration with healing and growth and always having to look within for what I need But perhaps if I had somebody maybe for once, I could just be
trato y trato aceptar esta última tragedia entender que fue algo necesario para mi crecimiento y progreso entender que será algo que el futuro no tendrá tanta importancia pero por ahora soy una bola de odio y furia lista para gritar todo sobre la traición que he sufrido
I wrote this poem in October of 2022 with the help of Quora.
honestly though…
what do most people not understand about borderline personality disorder? what are borderline psychopaths? can you trust someone with borderline personality disorder? can someone who has bpd have empathy and feel bad for what they have done? does a borderline individual ever had a hard time getting over someone or can they easily forget? what is borderline personality rage? what hurts a person with BPD? why is borderline personality so contradictory? do people with BPD act normal to everyone except the person they’re splitting on? are people with BPD childlike ? can unconditional love treat borderline disorder? does a person with bpd make their partners go crazy? how do borderlines show they love you? do borderlines ever find happiness, hope or a genuine connection? what does a bpd episode look like? should someone with BPD ever disclose that to a potential mate? when do relationships with PwBpd start to fall apart? are borderline psychotic? can borderline disorder be cured?
a tsunami of trauma washes over me and I regress to being 16- as I walk on the beach where I first fell in love as I stand on the bridge where I lost my shit and almost jumped off- regret and guilt sit at the bottom of my stomach and I want to vomit Instead, I pause and count to ten and breathe and I’m transported back to my present I’m safe again in my body- as I come to accept and love the immature and impulsive girl I once was who carelessly gave herself to others who never thought about the consequences and took risks she wasn’t the atrocity I made her out to be- she was just in a rush to live her life
the nostalgia of Lima sets in and I ache for the sights, sounds, and warmth of my homeland- even though it’s been a few days I want to go back already I don’t feel myself fully in American my body’s here but my spirit was left in lima maybe because the few memories I have of Lima are happy and mostly pure from trauma whereas in America it’s been tragedy after tragedy disappointment after disappointment and while I’ve planted my roots here with my children my spirit now resides somewhere in Lima
One day the memory of you will fade away and my heart will be grateful for that- because I can’t move on to a new love story until I stop dreaming of you until I stop writing about you It wouldn’t be fair to me or to him to attempt to write a new love story when remnants of the old one still show up in my poetry
let’s forget our past love stories and focus on the one we’re living the one we’re still writing let’s agree that anyone before you, anyone before me were just practice for the honest and magical love we’re experiencing let’s focus on our present and start planning our future that’s waiting to be lived that’s waiting to be written
la culpa es mÃa por confiar en ti, la culpa es mÃa por casi acostarme contigo entonces no deberÃa sorprenderme que ahora juegas con mis sentimientos evadiendome un dia y llamandome al dia siguiente y estoy harta y agotada de ser una vÃctima de tu toxicidad es mejor acabar con lo nuestro y que empieces a olvidarme porque es obvio que un niño como tú nunca estará preparado para una reina como yo