I wrote this poem on February 22, 2021. I wrote this while I still in a relationship with my most recent ex. I really thought he would be the one to stay but it wasn’t meant to be and that’s okay. I look at year 39 that in spite of facing constant depression and craziness because of COVID, I still had something important in life and that was love even if at the end it didn’t work out. It was a year full of magical moments that I will never regret.
February 22, 2021
Last day of thirty nine and I look back on this decade with love and no regrets The decade started with my third miracle of life and ended with the miracle of love The decade started with a once stable and normal suburban life and ended with a chaotically busy and poly life The decade started with a half loved marriage and ended with an almost separation Toxicity ruled 2 and a half years of the decade but he left Now I’m left with a new determination to fulfill my potential and let no one or nothing stop me
I wrote this on February 22, 2020. I had started working at Kroger in October of the previous year, was still trying to stop my situationship with “C”, and had just started dating my most recent ex-the second Andrew. I was becoming hyper aware of my unhealthy relationship patterns and didn’t want to repeat them and had my guard up but life happens and well I fell in love.
February 22, 2020
On the last day of 38 I’m filled with so much hate Hate for the life I never had Hate for me and my soon to be ex spouse and for our toxic codependency The year has been filled with highs and lows- I was prolific with my poetry about my toxic lover My toxic lover that follows a pattern of toxic lovers since the age of 15 Toxic lovers that abused me, used me, and discarded me like trash- Toxic lovers that made me question my worth Toxic lovers that left me breathless with chemistry that felt like a drug Toxic lovers that I kept coming back to out of the habit of not loving myself enough Toxic lovers that never want to define an “us” Toxic lovers-that starting 2 weeks ago I will leave forever alone And on year 38 with all of my hate and rage for my mediocre life I decided to fight Fight with determination and purpose for the life me and my kids deserve Fight with my body working endless hours with fatigue and sore knees for the future I always wanted A future that looks independent and thriving on my own A future that will become my own universe who no one can enter I may cry, I may want to die but I will not give up- not when I’m so close And even though I met a ray of hope with my first lover’s name towards the end of year 38 My walls will stay up and guarded No piece of my vulnerability Will be exposed to him until I’m sure it’s not the same old toxic codependent story On the last day of thirty eight I work on inner healing I work on inner peace I work on goals to finally emerge as a butterfly on year 39 On the last day of 38 I say forever goodbye to toxic patterns and lovers I say forever goodbye to the old insecure me to welcome the new and confident me- I say forever goodbye to my once comfortable and mediocre life to welcome a universe full of great potential–
I wrote this poem on February 22, 2019, the last day of being 37. It was a chaotic year that was filled with lots of ups and downs. It was the year I met “C” and who I now referred to as my “good” ex Jake.
February 22, 2019
Last day at 37 and I am humbled By the calm that comes after the storm That was last year Several waves came In the forms Of the average millenial fuck boy Pretending to converse In hopes of DTF It was fun, it was sexy, it was tiring And when I was ready to quit the tinder world My blond hurricane Torpedoed into my life One sweltering and lonely July Night He took over my damaged heart And mind He took me on a rollercoaster of emotions From rays of happiness To rowdy winds of devastation With more hellos, goodbyes and I love yous That I’ve had in a lifetime It was crazy, it was chaotic,it was love And in one of our Almost solid goodbyes- In waltzed the amber of hope He slowly put back together The broken pieces of my heart The hurricane had left behind He made me believe hope Was within my reach He calmed down my chaotic thoughts He held my peace and happiness In his hands It was good, it was easy, it wasn’t enough And I just crashed back into My previous existence Of married monotony and routine Again, I am alone and empty In my solitude of motherhood and marriage
For the thirsty Thursday before Valentine’s Day, I have a sexy playlist for y’all. I’m a very sensual person which should be obvious from reading my blog. I’ve have had different types of sex from one night stands to FWBs to bdsm partners to longterm romantic partners. I’m not in any way ashamed of my sexual adventures. I’mactually proud of my versatility in my sexual adventures that I’ve had for more than 2 decades. It’s one of the perks of my BPD, my hypersexuality. The way I see it, when I get to be an old woman in my 90’s I won’t regret looking back on my life wishing I had tried a certain sexual experience because chances are I’ve probably tried it. Now, have I been slut shamed and judged for my adventurous sex life? Oh yeah, I’ve been slut shamed many, many times since I started having sex and as recently as last year. I could write more about slut shaming but that’s another blog post. Sex for me is one of the best things in life. And I’m not just talking with a partner;I’m also talking about sexy self love with your plastic boyfriend from Amazon (aka your vibrator) and a fantasy in mind. This playlist can be played while you’re fucking or making love to your partner or masturbating. It could be played whether you feel like a sensual princess or a seductive Queen.In the words of George Michael, “Sex is natural, sex is fun…not everybody does it but everybody should”. Also, as someone that works for Public Health, I will tell you to get tested for STI/HIV on a regular basis if you are sexually active and always, always use protection.
Mood: Sensual PrincessMood: Seductive Queen
The ones in bold really get me going:
Dress -Taylor Swift PILLOWTALK-Zayn Need You Tonight-INXS Anywhere-112 Trumpets-Jason Derulo Earned It -The Weekend I Touch Myself -Divinyls Come and Talk to Me-Jodeci Any Time, Any Place- Janet Jackson Doin’ It-LL Cool J God is a woman-Ariana Grande Whip Appeal-Babyface Good For You-Selena Gomez I’ll Make Love To You-Boyz II Men Heaven-Julia Michaels Lights Down Low-MAX Red Light Special-TLC Sexual Healing-Marvin Gaye I Wanna Sex You Up-Color Me Badd Leave The Door Open-Bruno Mars I Want Your Sex-George Michael Like a Prayer- Madonna Freak Like Me-Adina Howard WAP-Cardi B, Megan Thee Stallion Love You Down-Ready For The Word
I wrote this in 2002 and it wasn’t actually inspired by any past relationships/ breakups. I don’t know, maybe I understood deep down that I had a tendency to self sabotage relationships.
the post trauma is the worst
Remorseful sentiments of you still come to mind And I ask myself “How could I have been so blind, to screw up everything that meant everything to me? With my selfishness and lies, I destroyed our paradise And I still remember the look upon face As you drove away full of disgust and hate?
I wrote this in early 2002 about my married coworker Lucas. I remember going out to lunch with him one day and writing this poem about it the next day.
yeah, it felt that intense
As I look upon him with my dopey love eyes I wonder how he would feel next to me at this exact moment As we are listening to this song and looking at each other at this very moment I wonder what his exact feelings are Maybe it’s something I can never know or feel for sure but this moment with him is something I can forever cherish
I wrote this in 2002 fantasizing about the love and life I wanted. Poor 21 year old me, she was so damn naïve.
it’s a lesson in learning my worth
I’m looking forward to spending the rest of my life wrapped up in your arms I’m looking forward to newlywed bliss Having a little one with your gorgeous smile And in old age, sitting in our rocking chairs on the front porch I’m looking forward to petty arguments, responsibility, and bills What I’m looking forward to the most is to being your wife
Life on the BPD 