reopening my pandora’s of trauma makes me tear the old version of me apart makes me revisit parts of myself I’d rather forget and makes me angry at how my insanity was enabled I know I should be compassionate, I know I should understand that the past can no longer hurt me but -oh-every time I open that pandora’s box of trauma the fire of self loathing and rage threatens to consume me and while I could leave that pandora’s box closed- I have no choice but to open it over and over again it’s one of the most important parts of my story Emotional scars need to be ripped open and analyzed to heal and make sense of who I am now
se que en las mejores relaciones hay monotonía pero lo que estamos viviendo me llena de ira me esta volviendo loca, esto se siento como el fin de nuestro cuento de amor y los dos somos demasiados cobardes para aceptar que la vida que hemos construida se está volviendo una montaña de resentimiento y desilusión donde estamos atrapados por conveniencia
So I’ve never been into sports, but I did enjoy doing the extreme sports in Oxapampa when I went in April. I especially enjoyed the ziplining in the video below. I have had a deathly fear of heights, so I’m proud of myself for pushing through these really tough adventures. I hope to do more of these in the coming years because I enjoy the adrenaline rush that comes with it. I guess it’s something I’d like to explore more if I ever find the time.
Consorting with this newfound empowerment is overwhelming and lonely at times I finally understand that never again do I have to depend on a man for anything- and I breathe a huge sigh of relief I no longer use them to determine my worth based on whether any of them pay attention to me I no longer use them for validation and no longer make myself small for their ego I now determined my own self worth and this is the moment I’ve been waiting for since the age of 15
I always joke around that if I won the lottery that the first thing I would do is get pay for therapy for my parents and siblings. I’d send them self help books and a dbt workbooks. Haha. In actuality, one of the first things I’d do if I won the lottery is quit my second part time job at the grocery store but keep my day job for a while since I am a child of routine. I’d probably proceed to find ways to invest money so my kids could have generational wealth. Perhaps do one of those adult things like hire a financial advisor. I’d also start planning trips with my kids and my parents to Peru. I’d pay for a place for my ex to move into and pay for all of the moving costs. I’d get the braces I’ve always needed. I’d buy friends extravagant gifts and help them with any annoying household expenses they’ve had pending. I’d probably look into taking one of those gourmet cooking courses to learn to cook some fancy ass dishes. I would buy my oldest and middle sons cars. In the long term, I would plan to buy houses in the States and in Oxapampa, Peru. My long term plan would be to take my youngest with me for 2 months to Oxapampa and write in my little house in the mountains. Oh and of course, I’d buy a shitload of poetry and self help books along with pretty journals to write in.
I wrote a version of this poem in 2005. It was about my frustration with the relationship I was in at the time.
Drown in passion
I’m hanging on to my last thread of sanity trying to accommodate to our new reality I know monotony happens even in the best relationships but this feels like the death of our love Where did your yearning for me go? You used to worship me and call me Godly now I can barely get you to look at me and when I say anything, you call me crazy so I’m going to swallow my words and pretend I’m okay with this charade of love
no fuck you and your pedantic machismo- oh and PWM =privileged white male
I light a candle, put on music, and pay tribute to all that I will never be- it’s not like I’m denying myself possibilities or opportunities I’m just acknowledging certain realities I’ll never have the proper words, the necessary pretentious words of the upper class pedigree to be published in one of those prestigious journals or win a pulitzer prize I’ll never be seen as an equal in American because I’ll always be a foreigner and while this brings me a certain kind of grief I also celebrate how different I am I’ll never filter my words or fake eloquence or elegance to make myself digestible to those with multiple degrees Nah, I’m a mosaic masterpiece, with my bad grammar, my simple vocabulary and my powerful and emotionally charged phrases I’m not and never will be for those with sensitive ears or palettes and I’ll always take pride in that
I think one of the best things about having a family of your own is making up your own traditions. One of my favorite traditions I have with my boys is watching “About a Boy” every Thanksgiving while we wait for dinner or afterwards. I started this tradition in 2008 when my oldest was 10 and my middle son was 3. The first time we watched it we had just moved into our new place and me and their dad hadn’t gotten around to getting internet and hardly had any furniture so we had to make do with the DVDs we had on hand to entertain the boys. For whatever reason, we watched that movie a few times. I remember watching it for the first time with my boys and all of these questions about mental health my then 3 year old had and how concerned he was for the mom in the movie. It was just such a sweet moment for me. A couple of years ago, my oldest son gave me the blu-ray dvd version of the movie to upgrade it from my old DVD copy. I love the message in the movie about how “no man is an island” and we all need community from friends and family to make life enjoyable and worth living.
me and my birthday twin throughout the years…
My other favorite tradition involves me and my middle son. I had him on my 24th birthday so we are birthday twins. When our birthday week rolls around, I decide to get desserts almost every day of the week for me and him to celebrate. Sometimes, we do share with our other family members when we feel like it. I started this tradition 4 years ago. We also always get two different cakes of our choice for our actual birthdays. I plan to keep this tradition around as long as he lives with me and/or lives close to me.
esa segunda raya rosada fue el Karma llegando cobrando su deuda porque yo reze que mis enemigos de enfermen con COVID y ahora moribunda en mi cama con una fiebre alta le prometo al universo que será más cauta en mis palabras y no dejaré que mi ira me controle
To raise my children with empathy and respect for humanity is hard in times like these in times when everyone is selfish and individuality is praised In times when showing emotions is seen as week and there is still a stigma about seeking therapy but somehow, my firstborn got the message that money and selfishness are not everything and that finding empathy and compassion for his fellow humans is much more valuable than the idea of individualism and materialism society tries to sell him
An attraction that’s kind of close to me and would love to visit is the Scott & Zelda Fitzgerald Museum and I’d love to stay at the Zelda Airnb suite. It is rather pricey at $165 a night and I’d like to go there for a week and write and go to the museum among other attractions in Montgomery that Zelda and F.Scott went to and were inspired by. I’m hoping that I could also write the entire week. I’d drink champagne for lunch and read while taking long and luxurious baths every day. Maybe by that time, my blood pressure will be completely under control and I can eat my chili cheese fritos,tacos and partake in the southern comfort food that Montgomery has to offer. The reason I’d like to go there is because for a while I was obsessed with F.Scott Fitzgerald and his wife Zelda. I’ve read most of his books and short stories. My favorite book of his is “This Side of Paradise” which ended up inspiring a few of my poems I wrote in 2019 as well as a couple of short stories. I think that maybe I’ve read “The Great Gatsby” three times. I hope to make this little dream of mine come true within the next two years.
so I actually wrote this poem in December of 2022 after I got sick with COVID. This poem was actually inspired by the 2005 poem, “Here we again”- I was editing it to post it on instagram and something about it screamed turn into a poem about your ailment and this is what I ended with. God, my mind was extra crazy with COVID brain. lol.
Another unexpected surprise confirmed with the second pink line Is this Karma coming for me? for wishing this on my enemies this puts a pause on my life for a few days and I lay in bed in a fever haze soon I lose my sense of smell and taste I’m humbled and make a promise to the universe I’ll be more careful with my words and stop giving into my rancor
Life on the BPD 