I feel timid lately and want to hide in a tomb the kind of tomb youβd find on the grounds in some decrepit motel there I wouldnβt have to function at all there I could get lost in my thoughts and make up scenarios in my head Thereβs no oneβs energy would impact me in a way that makes me feel hopeless and worthless
siempre Guerrera-Also Happy Peruvian Independence DAY!
I embrace the crone Iβm becoming and let go of the last vestiges of girlhood no longer will I twirl my hair, bat my eyes, or make myself cute and soft for the male gaze trying to get their attention from now on Iβll accept my wrinkles, my aches, my gray hair, my crowβs feet as proof that I have lived and experienced a life few wouldβve survived as proof that I am a goddamn Guerrera
maybe I restarted the blog for a younger version of us out there in another state, another country who needs a roadmap, Understanding, knowledge, and wisdom in navigating a hard situation they never thought they had to face maybe I restarted the blog out of hope that some couple out there whoβs struggling can find something useful in my story, in my prose, and my poetry to get through their own hardship through the worst of it and make it to the other side, evolve and grow together in intimacy and find their own happy ending
I wash my hands of all my past sins my wrongs never defined me It was a toxic narrative I swallowed whole when I was addicted to suffering and being a martyr
these must be the new dark age of my life where I canβt find my lifeβs purpose, where I cry because I donβt think Iβll ever be loved where the sleeping pills in my drawers are tempting me to end my misery
It could be worse they say because I could be dead my children left without a mother my parents left without a daughter My friends and coworkers left without entertainment of my emotional and dramatic hijinks And I left without fulfilling my potential or life purpose It could be worse they say because with me gone Who else will give you my special brand of crazy?
their used knicknacks, their used clothes their used whatever is taking up too much space in their closet or garage all of this is given to their browner and poorer counterparts act like ever act of charity will bring them one step closer to heaven when at times their recipients feel like itβs a act of condescension, arrogance a way to remind them where they belong a way to remind them of their working class status the haves need the have nots to have someone to feel superior to while the have nots cannot escape the cycle of poverty due to the greed of the haves
Iβm not the one you want or the one youβll ever take home to meet your mama but Iβm the one etched in your mind, the one who appears in your dreams the one you will never forget about and one of your few regrets and you, you were another story among many another obsession of my past I hardly ever think about
another 4 years of trump and who knows if America will still be standing if anyone whoβs not male or white will still have rights another 4 years of trump and I see a future of fascism and dictatorship and U.S born citizens being sent back to their parentβs country of origin another 4 years of trump and Iβm not sure Iβll still be alive or at very least still maintain a semblance of my sanity
with this new strain of COVID, all of my cell are mutating and regenerating and making be at a standstill where I have time to sit and think about what I really want, about whether or not Iβm doing enough to live a life worth living or if Iβm just existing in a routine of monotony that leads nowhere in a routine Iβve deluded myself into calling healthy but really itβs far from it
Men love a pretty mess like me especially the nice ones who want to fix me and save me Iβm their pretty princess whoβs so lovely and sweet And for some, my pussy makes them think or say they love me but when I turn from a pretty mess to a crazy and chaotic hurricane they can’t stand to be around me and run away βI never signed up for this, you’re toxicβ and I cry and then laugh at the absurdity you don’t get to choose just to love the fun part of me because that’s not love that’s their primal need and lust for me disguised as loved because real love accepts everything about me
the day I was told I needed a total hip replacement surgery
my body has betrayed me one last time and this time Iβll take charge of it and control whatβs happening this time Iβm old enough to stop this nonsense and kill whatβs causing me the most insufferable pain and Iβll replace the hip thatβs the vane of my existence, the diseased hip that must be sacrificed for me to stop the curse of martyrdom passed down for generations
envuelta en un ciclo de nostalgia cartas y fotos viejas y mΓΊsica de los 90 tratando de acordarme de quien fui Antes de me convertirme la madre de alguien
as long as there is breath left in me I will try try to be a good mom to my kids try to tell my story try to love everyone the best way i can try to find understanding for what happened to me try to find joy in the most ordinary of moments try to dance my way through my most depressive episodes try find my inner peace and calm
When I first started to watch the movie “The Breakup”, I was actually expecting the formulaic Romantic Comedy but it was actually a realistic movie about the demise of a relationship. I found myself relating to Brooke, one of the main characters in the movie more than I would have liked. At the beginning of the movie, we are shown this montage of how the relationship between Gary and Brooke starts and then develops so they are at a point where they move in together when they buy a luxurious condo. Within the first 10 minutes of the movie, we are shown what conflict goes on in their relationship. As Brooke is preparing for a dinner party for both their families, she asks Gary to do things to help her prepare for the guests, Gary is full of excuses and essentially treats her like a nag. Maybe this is my biased perspective coming from a place where Iβve been treated as such.
What is first seen here is a breakup in communication where Gary is dismissive of Brookeβs needs at that moment. I think that a lot of women I know can testify what that feels like but most of us have been conditioned to excuse that kind of behavior. Anyways, at the dinner party, Brooke and Gary act like a normal couple. Also, what can be observed from Brooke and Garyβs families is that they both come from different social classes. We can speculate that this is maybe why their relationship didnβt work but I think it is just one factor. After their families leave, a fight ensues between Brooke and Gary over a simple domestic task, washing the dishes. Brooke wants Gary to help with this task and Gary grumbles about it and when he finally says heβll do, he has a bad attitude about it. Brooke doesnβt want his help and this resonates with me and Iβm sure it does with other women ,she tells Gary, βI want you to want to do the dishes.” That line implicates both control and hopeful expectations for her partner.
A lot of women I know (myself included) wants a partner that takes initiative in helping us and showing their appreciation for us. We feel like we shouldnβt have to remind them, they should just want to do it. If they claim to care about us and love us, why is it so damn hard for them to show it? I think the issue could lie in the cliche that we as women tend to expect βusβ and how we would act from our partners. In society, women are conditioned and taught to be nurturers and to show our love and appreciation for our partners. We are also taught to believe that we have to fit into certain categories of societal expectations in order to feel like we are enough and worthy to feel loved. Men, on the other hand, well, they are just taught that they are good enough as they are for their potential partners. Also, society has conditioned men that in order for them to be βreal menβ, they shouldnβt show their emotions.
Gary and Brooke
As women, we are conditioned to believe that we will thrive and be a whole person in society if we become wives and mothers. This belief makes a lot of women settle for less than they deserve and tolerate way more than they should in a relationship. As humans we are conditioned that life is incomplete without a partner and the worst thing that can happen to us is a life of solitude.
Even though Brooke breaks up with Gary, she later reveals that she does this in hopes that he will learn his lesson and change to become a better partner. She doesnβt actually want to break up with him. She goes so far as to bring the guys she dates to the condo theyβre currently sharing so heβll get jealous. This follows the belief of why many women stay in a relationship; because if they stick around long enough and do the hard work, their partner will change to become the partner they want them to be. It follows the belief that we as women can mold men with enough time and patience to become that partner. This infantilizes men in a way. Itβs a belief in which we are treating men like another one of our children that needs to be molded. Brooke βpunishesβ Gary like a child by breaking up with him in hopes heβll change into the partner she wants him to be.
Gary finally starts to take Brooke seriously towards the end of the movie. By that time, it is too late and sheβs already emotionally detached from him. There is a cliche saying βby the time the guy starts to care, itβs too late and the girl no longer cares . Iβve seen this happen many times in real life. In my own perspective, I tried everything to save my marriage with my husband and even though he tried, it was never enough in my eyes. His dismal effort kept making me feel less than, worthless even. By the time he finally saw that he was going to lose me; it was too late and I had emotionally detached myself from the relationship. Just like Brooke, I had time and time again invested so much of myself, changed so much of myself to try to salvage our relationship while he put in the most minimal effort. I canβt pinpoint the exact moment when I knew that no matter how hard he or I tried, our marriage couldnβt be saved.
At the end of the movie after Brooke leaves the apartment, she runs into Gary a few months later and they catch up in a cordial manner and glance back smiling at each other and one could say perhaps both of them got the closure they needed. Of course, in real life, me and my husband canβt afford to separate and divorced and have to continue to live together but through a mutual understanding we live together as roommates and co-parents. We actually do this successfully and almost painlessly. Heβll even give me life advice from time to time if Iβm going through something rough. I think that once we both accepted that we were no longer compatible as romantic partners, our relationship as friends got stronger since we felt free to really be our authentic selves with each other.