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two poems about my phobia

Bloganuary writing prompt
What’s the thing you’re most scared to do? What would it take to get you to do it?
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calling it a phobia of dating/relationships could be over dramatic but idk…it feels like that sometimes. It used to be so easy for me to just go from relationship to the next (sometimes without even ending the next relationship) until one day there was this final straw and I found myself with a shit ton of mental health issues and trauma I needed to address and heal from. If I had to be honest with myself at this point in my life, I don’t blame my past partners for this. I think that from my teenage years on, I’ve been following this pattern of falling into these unhealthy relationships and patterns. I realized this a few years ago after my diagnosis of BPD. I know I needed to do something so I just stopped dating or making myself available to anyone for romantic/sexual interest. It was hard and I always put these arbitrary deadlines on myself of when I would start again like, “oh after I beat my driving phobia” or “oh after I finish this round of therapy “or “oh, after I’m divorced” and those deadlines came and went and it just never happened. Every time I think about going on a first date with someone and that person would ask me something inconsequential like “what’s your favorite color?” I see myself going to the bathroom and throwing up and coming back with an excuse of how something came up with my kids (it”s great to have kids in this instance-they make very good excuses) and leaving the date. Until a few months ago, this used to make me sad and made me feel like a freak. But, lately, I’ve accepted that this is who I am now. With the level of awareness I have about myself now, I know what I need to be in control of my life, my autonomy, and my mental health and my Aquarius in Venus mind tells me that relationships seem to be make me lose control of all of those aspects.

How it feels like to lose control

Also, for the past few years, I’ve made sure to make my life full of everything I need to not feel like I need someone to fill some kind of void or space in my life. There’s basically no space or void like that now. My boys, my friends, my art, work, and my hobbies fill that space.

what would it take me to get me to date? Yung Gravy, Joji, or Jack Harlow sliding into my DMs. Lol. In all seriousness, I don’t know. I think I want to just enjoy my life as it is now . I will say that if somehow the stars do align and someone appears in my universe that strikes my fancy, then I wouldn’t be completely closed off to it.

Let’s goooo universe!!!

Too wild

On days like today, I feel too wild, too untamed
to be loved, to be handled by anyone
I feel like too much and I won’t find anyone who’s enough
and I wonder if I’ll really be alone forever
because right now that’s what my future looks like
and it’s not me trying to diss any potential love candidates
it’s me acknowledging how much of an earthquake,
a hurricane, a tsunami I can be
and even though I’ve done the work to tame my inner demons
It still feels like there is still so much work left to do
before I feel confident enough to invite anyone else into my chaos

3/9/23

Copy and paste

Copy and paste, copy and paste, copy and paste
Partners, unhealthy love patterns, delusions of love
it happens over and over again
And I try my best to change this narrative
and sometimes it seems to work
but most of the time it was me denying what’s in front of me
A man who treats me like his inferior
Allowing him to step on my boundaries
trying to keep myself small enough so he doesn’t leave
and I’ve lost count of how many times this has happened to me
And I’m fucking tired of it
So I put a pause on love for a while
Until I can figure out how to produce healthy love energy
And ensure I don’t settle again for anyone
who treats me less than the majestic and magical queen that I am

2/4/23

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poetry: reflection

I wrote this poem in January of 2023.

I’m proudest of the woman I became on Sept 8, 2023-my liberation day

I reflect a lot on who I was, who I am, and who I will be-
and I’ve reach the conclusion that I’m proud of all three versions of me
Constantly fighting my demons no matter how viciously they came after me
Constantly reinventing and rebuilding myself even when the chaotic earthquakes
of life broke me apart
I reflect on the goddess, the beast in me who always refuses to give up
who continues to get and keep going no matter how hard life tries to break me down

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pandora’s box of trauma

it also helps in the healing process
Bloganuary writing prompt
What do you complain about the most?
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reopening my pandora’s of trauma makes me tear the old version of me apart
makes me revisit parts of myself I’d rather forget
and makes me angry at how my insanity was enabled
I know I should be compassionate, I know I should understand that the past
can no longer hurt me
but -oh-every time I open that pandora’s box of trauma
the fire of self loathing and rage threatens to consume me
and while I could leave that pandora’s box closed-
I have no choice but to open it over and over again
it’s one of the most important parts of my story
Emotional scars need to be ripped open and analyzed
to heal and make sense of who I am now

1/9/24

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poetry: charade of love

I wrote a version of this poem in 2005. It was about my frustration with the relationship I was in at the time.

Drown in passion
Drown in passion

I’m hanging on to my last thread of sanity
trying to accommodate to our new reality
I know monotony happens even in the best relationships
but this feels like the death of our love
Where did your yearning for me go?
You used to worship me and call me Godly
now I can barely get you to look at me
and when I say anything, you call me crazy
so I’m going to swallow my words
and pretend I’m okay with this charade of love

Posted on by pattytacuri

Montgomery, Alabama

such a romantic
Bloganuary writing prompt
Name an attraction or town close to home that you still haven’t got around to visiting.
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An attraction that’s kind of close to me and would love to visit is the Scott & Zelda Fitzgerald Museum and I’d love to stay at the Zelda Airnb suite. It is rather pricey at $165 a night and I’d like to go there for a week and write and go to the museum among other attractions in Montgomery that Zelda and F.Scott went to and were inspired by. I’m hoping that I could also write the entire week. I’d drink champagne for lunch and read while taking long and luxurious baths every day. Maybe by that time, my blood pressure will be completely under control and I can eat my chili cheese fritos,tacos and partake in the southern comfort food that Montgomery has to offer. The reason I’d like to go there is because for a while I was obsessed with F.Scott Fitzgerald and his wife Zelda. I’ve read most of his books and short stories. My favorite book of his is “This Side of Paradise” which ended up inspiring a few of my poems I wrote in 2019 as well as a couple of short stories. I think that maybe I’ve read “The Great Gatsby” three times. I hope to make this little dream of mine come true within the next two years.

Below is the link to the Scott & Zelda Fitzgerald Museum:
https://www.thefitzgeraldmuseum.org/

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poetry: two pink lines

so I actually wrote this poem in December of 2022 after I got sick with COVID. This poem was actually inspired by the 2005 poem, “Here we again”- I was editing it to post it on instagram and something about it screamed turn into a poem about your ailment and this is what I ended with. God, my mind was extra crazy with COVID brain. lol.

I’ll never wish COVID on anyone ever again….

Here’s the original poem, it’s edited from:

https://lifeonthebpd.com/2022/07/01/poetry-here-we-go-again/

Another unexpected surprise
confirmed with the second pink line
Is this Karma coming for me?
for wishing this on my enemies
this puts a pause on my life for a few days
and I lay in bed in a fever haze
soon I lose my sense of smell and taste
I’m humbled and make a promise to the universe
I’ll be more careful with my words
and stop giving into my rancor

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poetry: i really mean it

I wrote this poem in January of 2023.

having crushes in your middle age is so CRINGE

Cry in front of me and show me your vulnerable side
I won’t run away or shame you for sharing your pain
I understand what it’s like to be left alone
when you start to drown in your emotions
and you reach for someone and that person
turns you away
I will never be that callous
when I say you can be safe with me,
I really mean it

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pose for the camera

me being Elmyra with this cat
Bloganuary writing prompt
If you could make your pet understand one thing, what would it be?
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if I had a pet, I would want them to understand how to pose for the camera. My kids learned real quick and were posing by the time they were 4 to 5 months old. Also, this seems like silly prompt but whatever I’m answering it only cause I promised myself to answer every prompt on wordpress this month.

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poetry: lesson

aqui esta el poema original que inspiró este poema:

Poesía: Falso 2005

we were another lesson in love lost and mourned
I tried everything to make it work
even where it was past our expiration date
I never wanted our children to be products of a broken home
but even my best efforts could not fight how different we were
or our long term story of incompatibility
it wasn’t your fault or mine
we were just both too stubborn to see what was in front of us
a friendship that should’ve stayed platonic
but you fell in deep for me
and I was tired wanted to settle
and we made it work until one day I realized it wasn’t enough

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patricia

Bloganuary writing prompt
Write about your first name: its meaning, significance, etymology, etc.
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so I was named for my mom’s sister Patty. My aunt Patty was also the rebel and the baby in the family. My mom named me after her because I had another aunt who wanted me to have her name and my mom hated being pressured about it. So she was pregnant and feeling petty and named me after my aunt Patty. Growing up I was intimidated by her because she was the beauty bombshell and I was this awkward and shy kid growing up. Maybe she’s who I channeled when I pose in my pictures, lol. Anyways, like me she’s also divorced and has three boys of her own. We also both go by Patty rather than our formal name cause Idk Patricia feels like it belongs to some old stuffy Irish nun. Anyways, unlike me, my Aunt Patty is a fabulous cook while I can hardly make rice. Her ceviche will make you cry not only because it’s spicy but because it’s super delicious. As far as the etymology of the name which is such a boring thing to investigate, here’s a link to it:https://www.etymonline.com/word/Patricia

my aunt Patty in the late 80s vs middle age me in 2023
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poetry: betrayed

I wrote this poem in January of 2023.

that time I cut my bangs cause I was anxious about seeing my crush…lol…thank God for my beanie

My heart betrayed me last night
it was on the same page that I need to put any hope of love on hold
Until I’m free of my marital ties-
Until I’m no longer suffering of any residual trauma
from my last failed romantic relationship
but in one night, my heart betrayed my mind
And it felt euphoria and everything that comes with meeting
the potential of love
And while my mind tries to reign in my feelings
My heart says “sorry, we’re already in too deep”

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poesía: mi primer amor

here’s the English version of this poem:

Poetry: Andrew

cuando me preguntan acerca de mi primer amor
siempre pensaré en el
aquel muchacho alto con los ojos marrones profundos
fue el primero que me trato con respecto y como una princesa
Nuestro cuento de amor fue casi como una película de disney
fue algo mágico y bello
pero algo tan bonito no puede sobrevivir en este mundo cruel
lleno de realidades que se tienen que enfrentar
aunque nos amábamos con una pasión hecho de fuego
no fue suficiente y nuestra llama de amor se apago
y nos fuimos por caminos diferentes
el hizo su vida y yo la mía
pero aunque han pasado más de 25 años
cuando me pregunten que fue mi primer amor
siempre pensaré en el

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poetry: Peruvian ME

I wrote this poem in January of 2023.

I still wonder who Peruvian Me would have been-probably not wearing this beanie…lol

if my parents hadn’t chosen america as their new homeland
I wonder who I would’ve been
a woman of priviledge married to a man who loves me for me
or would it have been inevitable for me to turn out as a rebel who’d cause many scandals
would I have take my education more seriously because of the pressure from society and my parents
or would I have still struggled with my ADD and said fuck it
I wonder who Peruvian me would have been if I didn’t have a bilingual and bicultural identity

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google storage says I’m running out of room

me when I start decluttering …lol
Bloganuary writing prompt
Where can you reduce clutter in your life?
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In an ideal world, I would reduce a lot of clutter in my life if my emotionally supportive ex husband moved out. I can’t kick him out though cause my children would cause a ruckus and hate me. Plus, I’m trying to be patient and give him time or find some way we can live apart (I’ve been set on this goal for years), I guess I could find other ways to reduce clutter. I could go through my closet and dresser and get rid of clothes I don’t wear anymore and donate them to goodwill. I could also go through my bookcase and donate books. Honestly, I need to go through my room and the entire downstairs of my house and do a deep decluttering and cleaning. I could also through my google storage and delete the videos, pictures, and files I don’t need since I’m always running out of google storage so this is something I really need to do. My problem is that with little free time I have off, I like to get lost in writing poems, reading, or watch TV and have no desire to do adult things unless I absolutely have to. I guess I could add it to my 2024 goals.

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bus trip to Oxapampa

I remember being super excited and happy going on this bus ride because going to Oxapampa has been a dream of mine for quite some time. Oxapampa is the town my dad was born in and raised. When my dad talked about it, it always seemed picturesque and like something out of a fairy tale. I was also excited to meet my dad’s relatives (aunts and uncles) who helped raise him and the cousins who he played with. His relatives also seem to be larger than life characters who were genuine and good people according to my dad’s description of them.

my feet and legs on the most comfortable bus trip I’ve ever made
Bloganuary writing prompt
Think back on your most memorable road trip.
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when I think about my most memorable road trip, I think of my 10 hour bus ride I made from Lima to Oxapampa when I went to Peru last spring. It was memorable in a good way. The company we booked the trip with was wonderful and me and my son were mostly comfortable. So the trip to Oxapampa meant going up into a high altitude of 5951 ft above sea level from the 528 ft above sea level altitude in Lima. We were advised to consume coca leaves before going to prevent motion sickness so we went to the pharmacy and they gave us coca leave in pill form.

the pills we took to prevent motion sickness

Our seats themselves were super comfortable and we could recline into an almost bed so we slept super comfortable. They also had screens where we could watch American movies dubbed in Spanish. One reason we were super comfortable was because we were on the upper deck of the bus which had more space for seats. Of course, we paid more for this V.I.P seating but damn , it was well worth it. Unfortunately and fortunately, it didn’t have WIFI so I just listened to my downloaded spotify playlist. There was a lot of Conan Gray and Taylor Swift I played on my way there. We went at night so we slept most of the way there but I did manage to capture some short videos of what I saw outside the video. We went through a lot of provinces and small towns. Here’s a short video of going through Pasco. This was shortly before we arrived.

going through Pasco…

I also want to mention that going on this bus ride was also kind of exhilarating because some of the roads are treacherous and narrow and sometimes we were going on terrain that was high. That meant if the driver lost control of the vehicle, we were SOL. Haha. It’s a good thing that a lot of drivers in Peru start driving between the ages of 12 and 14. There’s probably more I will write about this trip. So when we arrived, my great Aunt picked us up and we stayed at her air b&b on her property. Where we stayed had this rustic and magical vibe. I’ll probably write more about this trip that was life changing and healing in so many ways but for now, I’ll just answer the prompt for bloganuary about memorable roadtrips.

the sign for my great aunt’s air b&b
this long entrance looked like something out of fairytale…like going into a magical forest