Posted on by pattytacuri · 1 Comment

poetry: chaos

I wrote this poem in November of 2019.

” I was your willing accomplice, honey”- Olivia Rodrigo

Your love comes and goes like the most sudden
and violent gusts of wind
I try to stay in my calm and peaceful place
But I am swept away in your chaos
that bring me to the highest mountain
of lust,intimacy, and love
I want to stay here
I want to die here
in the heaven that is your arms and your lips
But you continually push me away
You dispose of me like trash
not caring about my inner destruction
You break me heart into
millions of pieces
Everytime I try to give myself to you
Your love, your toxic love
Swallows me up and spits me up out
only to break me over and over again

Posted on by pattytacuri · 1 Comment

poetry: me and my trauma

I wrote this poem in November of 2023.

the damn trauma

I hold hands with my trauma and show her off to everyone
most people look at her with curiosity
some people are horrified
my family cringes and and whispers to me,
“it’s embarrassing, showing her as some kind of trophy”
I get mad and flip everyone off
and me and my trauma link arms and skip on our way
to share her story and create drama and chaos
who cares if no one understands our process
of healing and recovery by sharing our story

Posted on by pattytacuri · 3 Comments

poetry: the fog

I wrote this poem in November of 2019.

I can’t be your lover on a leash-Conan Gray

Loving you is like being in a fog
of continued self destruction
It destroys my inner being
It destroys my soul
And yet I continually do this
to myself
Love someone
that continues to discard me
Over and over and over and over
again
Love someone
who doesn’t even love himself
Waiting for the fog
to clear is the worst part
Because my heart doesn’t know
how to listen to my head
my heart continually refuses
to let go of my self destruction
that is being devoted to you
But I must, I have to, I need to
allow the fog to clear
To make room in my heart and mind
for someone that truly wants to love me

Posted on by pattytacuri · 2 Comments

poetry:beneath

I wrote this poem in October of 2022.

one day
the things people don’t say

Beneath the fallen leaves lies my footprints
and the footprints of lives unknown
on roads taken with regrets
Beneath the fallen leaves lies the stories from the trash
not picked up-a used condom here, a hair tie there
a letter lost
Beneath the fallen leaves lies everything unsaid
and tears that have fallen

Posted on by pattytacuri · 1 Comment

poetry: bleak and rainy days

I wrote this poem in October of 2021.

live in the present
live in the present

Bleak and rainy days
used to make me sad
and squeeze the life out of me
But now
I think of all the
sunshines and rainbows
in my life
three souls I gave birth to
the friends who accept me
my parents who continue
to be loving and nurturing
my coworkers whom I’ve
Shared a pandemic war with
But mostly, the new version
of myself who might feel
despair and sadness on some
days but keeps going
This new version
that loves herself fully
for once is enough

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poetry: river

I wrote this poem in October of 2022.

ain’t that the truth

the river of my love for you dried and at first I cried
but then it felt like freedom, it felt like happiness
to no longer obsess over someone who treated me like shit
to feel nothing for someone who caused me a world of pain
over and over again
Does this mean I finally learned my worth?

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poetry: mixed signals

I wrote this poem in October of 2023.

I like my bubble

I give you a yard, and you give me an inch-
it’s a game of back and forth nonsense
one where I respect your unspoken boundaries
and need for space
until one day the push back from you
pulled back into a dark place I haven’t been in a while
a place where my confidence breaks, a place where I start to question my worth
a place when my sense of self breaks once again
and I know right there, and then, it’s better to give up
whatever this was
I’ve outgrown men who send me mixed signals

Posted on by pattytacuri · 1 Comment

poetry: Bonnie and Clyde

I wrote this poem in October of 2022.

I wonder sometimes

were we the bonnie and clyde of toxic relationships ?
you setting up and detonating love bombs in my heart
and making me explode in rage every time you left
and me encouraging you with every reunion
because I loved you, because I didn’t want to be alone
so I went along with your emotional crimes every time
Until one day, I learned my worth
and blocked your energy from my universe

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poetry: whoa

I wrote this poem in October of 2023.

it’s my vibe

In the isolation of my solitude
I try to find grace and compassion
that’s evading me
I try to ground myself in my writing
and music
because I don’t want to talk about it
and I’d rather let out my tears
in the comfort of my bedroom
or on my notebooks
because last time I let someone in
on my crazy, they left
they always leave me

Posted on by pattytacuri · 1 Comment

poetry: witness

I wrote this poem in October of 2023.

for real for real

in the juxtaposition of the karens and working class
I find sympathy for both
it’s hard to explain this in between-
it’s an exhausting struggle of understanding
the complexities of the human condition
of wanting to be seen
of wanted to be heard and respected
and I stared in horror, almost breathless
as the karens and the working class
exchange verbal hostile fire
and almost throw hands at each other
as one threatens the other’s livelihood
and the other stood their ground
and I –
was just a witness to the epidemic
of anger in America

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poetry: Standing Firm (inspired by Conan Gray’s Heather)

I wrote this poem in December of 2022.

I secretly wish I was Conan Gray

I try on grace and self compassion thinking of the many times
I wanted to be someone else
Mirroring my sister and my best friends to escape from myself
never thinking I was enough-
I even tried to be like my former metamours-
so smart, so pretty, so American
they were placed on pedestals by my exes
so of course I wanted to be like them-
never understood how I never stood a chance
and how nothing I did would matter
my exes always chose them
they were safe,predictable and shared their background
everything I was never going to be
so I chose to embrace who I really am
a woman with a chaotic history who feels everything with a magnitude of intensity
a woman who no longer mirrors others to gain a sense of identity
I now stand firm in the authenticity of my duality
I embrace my God given gift of my creativity and share it shamelessly
there’s no turning back now that I’m fully me
and I no longer care who loves and accepts me

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poetry: not promised tomorrow

I wrote this poem in September of 2022.

just me and my entire universe

we’re not promised tomorrow, so we must make the best of our todays-
making community with our friends, reconnecting with our roots
loving our children with a loud fervor
we’re not promised tomorrow, so we must appreciate
everything we have
the legs that take us on walks and runs
the creativity that flows from our minds
the laughter shared with loved ones

Posted on by pattytacuri · 1 Comment

poetry: what if

I wrote this poem in September of 2023.

what if it all works out in the end?

my heart is full of what ifs? What if it works out?
What if I’m not as dumb as I think I am?
What If I stop listening to the voices in my head
that taunt me-telling me I’m not good enough?
What if I’m brave enough today
and chase my dreams despite my haters
and my inner critic?

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poetry: complete

I wrote this poem in September of 2022.

about to make a life changing trip

I longed and longed and longed to feel whole
until I planted my feet on the soil I was born on
until I breathed the air my parents and ancestors inhaled
until I tasted flavors from almost a lifetime ago
I longed and longed and longed to feel whole
until I returned to my homeland
and it was the piece of the puzzle found
I needed to finally complete me

Posted on by pattytacuri · 1 Comment

poetry: June 2014 Me

I wrote this poem in September of 2023.

2014 me in the blue hoodie-2023 me in the red dress,

The ME from June of 2014 sends me a message asking, where are you?
I tell her, life didn’t go as planned-you’re divorced and looking for a place for your ex
but your kids are thriving-your oldest son has his driver’s license and is on his last semester of college
Your middle son will graduate from high school this year-
and your baby is now taller than you and becoming his own person
You’re working 2 jobs and you’re a citizen now and you’ve been to therapy
to learn healthier coping mechanisms-
you even drive now-you’re independent as fuck and live life on your own terms
you’ve even been to Peru twice-
You’re learning to follow your intuition and how use discernment in your choices
in how you live your life-
you’ve discovered your values underneath everything society brainwashed into you
and at the end of the day all you want be is a good mom and a good person
that’s the extent of your life’s purpose-
now that we know who we are
our next step is to plan the future we want-
we’ll keep on thriving girl-you were the go getter and determined woman in me
Even among one of my greatest depressions
You still got up and followed your passions-
And you laid the foundation-we’ll be okay-I promise
I’ll make you proud of me-
Love patty