before I was diagnosed with BPD, I was very sick I wished and wished to be anyone else but me I really wanted to be a middle class white woman the kind who grew up with 2 parents in a 2 story house the kind who never had to assimilate to fit it the kind who never had to to fill out a FAFSA application the kind who was never neglected and whose feelings were always validated the kind who writes stories or poems about her favorite horse instead of stories or poems about constantly feeling like a stranger in your adopted homeland the kind who is mostly respected by men and not fetichized or called exotic the kind who’s never had 2 jobs to survive in this capitalistic society before I was diagnosed with BPD,I was very sick I wished and wished to be anyone else but me but three years into recovery I’ve healed and wouldn’t want to be anyone else because while it’s true that many people don’t struggle as much me everyone (even middle class white women) still have their own set of insecurities and trauma I know nothing about I’ve learned I need to focus on myself, feel gratitude for everything I have as I reach my goals and chase my dreams and most importantly I now love and embrace who I’ve been, who I am, who I will be I no longer play a game of envy and view myself as a broken mess of who I’ve been or what’s happened to me I was never those things I’m a beautiful mosaic of everything I’ve endured, experienced and lived
Listening to my writing playlist while high a lot of songs about men begging the women to come back Interesting It is a hidden fetish, fantasy I had a man continuously
suffering for me regretting the day they fumbled me
Check your privilege at the door every single white person who comes asking for my opinion I can’t be your agreeable POC anymore
Check your privilege at the door I’m not the voice for my community with you, certain topics I can’t explore don’t use me as another learning opportunity
Among many crashouts and panic attacks all month, I almost lost hope. However, I didn’t fall off the deep end because I’m too stubborn to give up. I got my sign from the universe today .and it might seem silly but I’ll take it. It was the first time I’ve heard another conan gray song on the radio other than “people watching”
Vodka Cranberry came on and I scared my son while he was driving 😂🤣
The journey into the broken pieces of my soul makes me cry out from agony felt Solitude, vitamins, a healthy and boring routine Affirmations with big and healthy dose of self compassion are the requisites for healing and growth- it’s a spiritual journey into healing my inner child and it fucking hurts
at 9, Mariah Carey taught me to look pretty even as I’m suffering, even as I’m cast aside for someone else even as I’m crying and dying from grief at 9, Mariah Carey taught me about all of the lovely and terrible things that come with falling in love at 9, Mariah Carey gave me lessons about life and love I’ve carried into my middle age
sultry July night at a pirate party fiery red Dionysian hair, body made by Gods caught his eye from a distance he wanted her, he craved her, he wanted to fuck her he approached her right away she saw through his toxic fuck boi vibe Said “no thanks” and introduced him to me I was already 3 drinks in, mesmerized by his body Covered in tattoos from head to toe, his boyish smile felt an electric energy between us (or maybe that was the buzz from my third margarita) he’s the sexiest man I’ve ever seen, I WANT THIS BAD BOY! within a few minutes, we assessed each other and flirted he asked me for my phone number, giddy, I gave it to him and that was the beginning of the end of me and almost 6 years later, my friend still says, “Sorry, I introduced you to him”
all eyes on taylor as she ignites a battle between the sexes men triggered by her existence women coming to her defense sharing memes and articles to validate her popularity and Taylor she just want to love and support her boyfriend like any ordinary girl except she’s she taylor mutherfucking swift our it girl of the 21st century
it was another boring night at work I was stuck on aisle 10 between stocking and my racing thoughts a 90s dance song comes on the speaker and just when I’m about to sing I heard footsteps behind me I turned around and there he was- my favorite customer 5’10 ,curly black hair, full red lips and a body built by some Greek God he was looking at pots and pans I quickly turned my back to stock the tupperware and sneaked glances and admired him from afar hoped he didn’t notice me in my Kroger garb I looked like too much of hot mess to flirt but still my dead and jaded heart was resuscitated and my imagination took flight as fantasies of him surfaced to my mind and just as I’m imagined our first kiss he approached me, -OH NO! of course he asked for a specific type of pan we didn’t have I told him no and apologized in my best customer service voice and he told me “no worries” as his voice cracked and walked away quickly and I wondered, am I imagining things, or is he also attracted to me?
Crushes–we all get them at some point or another. It doesn’t matter if we’re 13 or 43. They’re unfortunate or fortunate circumstances in our lives depending on how we look at them. I’ve had more of my share of them, and of course, there’s a playlist I listen to when that happens. As jaded in love as I am, there’s a small part of me that’s still a lovergirl. I’ve tried every way to squash the lovergirl in me but apparently it’s resistant to all of the misandrist poetry I write and all of the books I read about hating men and how love is just the most terrible thing in the world. So I’ve just learned to just let her be and write corny AF love poetry and listen to the most romantic music even if it’s nauseating to me. One of my friends told me the nausea part is some kind of trauma response, and she’s probably right, but that’s another blog post for a later time. Anyways,here’s a few poems I wrote about having a crush and my lover girl playlist. The playlist is filled with that, “wtf, I have butterflies in my stomach at my age, let’s goooo!!!” kind of energy or “lmao,I’m living some kind of modern Victorian infatuation story or I’m straight up delusional” energy. My most recent crushes have been on Ben Affleck, Benjamin Franklin(cause I’m a materialistic bitch) and of course, Yung Gravy. See y’all, I’m not always a hater when it comes to love (contrary to a lot of what y’all see in the blog) , I, too, have a little romantic girl somewhere in me. Maybe I could manifest that Ben Affleck, Yung Gravy, or a millionaire, sees this blog post, gets a crush on ME and makes their way to my hometown and takes me away in their private jet.
Here are the poems:
Not in my plans
I didn’t mean to, it wasn’t in my plans for self improvement But I fell for you in spring I don’t even know when it started to happen All I remember is absolutely hating it hated how soft and corny it made me hated how I started smiling at your messages hated how you started to melt my jadedness about love and how I finally felt like love was a possibility for me
5/2/23
it’s me on a quest to find my Travis Kelce
Fight with the romantic girl
The romantic in me riots and protests and says this solitary confinement is bullshit It’s been over a year since we’ve been intimate with anyone or felt a romantic connection and I try to reason with her “We’re still healing and we’ like to stay emotionally regulated And healthy” and she yells, “no it’s time to take all of our therapy skills out for test drive and find someone we vibe with’ And I answer, “but we’re not” And she screams, “stop with your excuses go find the next muse of your poetry
7/29/23
wondering who my next Ace of Cups will be
So embarrassing
thought I was done with this part of my life accepted solitude was now my new life but you had to smile at me butterflies appear and I want to vomit my heart races every time you’re near And ugh, I fucking hate you for this so embarrassing at my age to crush on someone so hard and to write poems about a new unrequited love And I tried to ignore and quell this feeling but you have the audacity to appear in my dreams maybe it’s your fire energy, maybe it’s your poetry I’m not sure exactly what it is but fuck you for bringing out the romantic in me
2024
I have honestly done this more than a few times this year-I have issues according to Google
Lover Girl Playlist: Ew -Crush Culture
Crush Culture-Conan Gray I’m not in love- Will to Power Begin Again- Taylor Swift Bad Habit-Steve Lacy The Prophecy- Taylor Swift Late Night Talking-Harry Styles Sanctuary-Joji Dreaming of You-Selena Nonsense- Sabrina Carpenter Overdrive- Conan Gray Still Falling for You- Ellie Goulding Ceilings- Lizzie Alpine People Watching- Conan Gray Footnote-Conan Gray Dress-Taylor Swift Means Something- Lizzy McAlpine Enchanted- Taylor Swift Clementine-Yung Gravy The Louvre-Lorde Pessimist- Julia Michaels Risk-Gracie Abrams HOT TO GO-Chappell Roan Mastermind- Taylor Swift So High School- Taylor Swift Still Chose You- The Kid LAROI Invisible String-Taylor Swift Long Story Short-Taylor Swift So American-Olivia Rodrigo Disaster- Conan Gray Lover- Taylor Swift
Below is are the links for Spotify and YouTube in case you do want to get in touch with your inner romantic:
Crush Culture makes me want to spill my guts out-Conan Gray
Life on the BPD 