I wrote this in 2001 about the great breakup. Looking back at this I almost BUT I’m glad that at the time I was resourceful enough to turn to write poetry instead of doing more self destructive things. My favorite phrase from my 20 year old self is “low scum ho”. Damn, I was salty. LMAO.
Thank you for letting me know I was with some low scum ho Thank you for making me see He was just using you and me Thank you for making me realize My lover was just telling me lies Thank you for driving me into this misery I really thought he cared for only me But most of all, Thank you for taking this burden off me he didn’t deserve someone as good as me
This was another poem written in early 2001 about Paul. All I can say is that at least I didn’t go on to write more than a few poems about this breakup. I probably wrote this during the time we were attempting a “pseudo friendship”. I remember getting nauseated and sick every time after I got off the phone with him. This really was the last poem I wrote about him.
honestly how it felt like
Upset, angry, frustrated Are some of the things I feel When I come in contact with Your miserable self
Depressed, miserable, pessimistic is what I’ve become You walked away
Happy, gleaming, glowing is what you are your miserable piece of scum
It’s unfair,unjust, not right That fate led me to someone Who would cause me so much raw pain
When me and my family first immigrated to the U.S in September of 1986; Thanksgiving was a foreign concept to us. We were introduced to Thanksgiving by our extended family members who were seasoned veterans in celebrating this American Holiday. I was 5 when I immigrated to this country so my memories of our first or second Thanksgiving are pretty blurry.
What I do remember is going to my uncle’s house where my aunts, uncles and numerous cousins would gather. My mother sat with my aunts and grandmother while they shared the latest chisme (aka-gossip) while they cooked and later on served dinner to the kids and the men. Yay for machismo culture <insert sarcasm>. My father and my uncles drank together while they joked around. I remember playing with my cousins or following my sister upstairs with our teenage cousins to the bedroom with the TV to watch music videos with George Michael ,Rick Astley blasting on MTV. Maybe that’s how I acquired my sometimes basic taste in music.
I also remember that since we were away from adults, our cousins took the opportunity to teach me and my sister all of the bad words in English. Haha. Another fond memory that comes to mind is the newest babies being passed around the aunts or the older female cousins. There wasn’t such a thing as asking permission from the parents for their baby unless of course the child is being nursed. I also remember hating the taste of turkey. It tasted like rubber to me.
me and almost all of my cousins circa 1987, I’m in front in the frilly blue dress
There was warmth and laughter in this idyllic setting of Thanksgiving but that’s not the whole picture. There was also unpleasantness. My mom is one of nine children and with that many personalities; there was no way to avoid drama when all of them gathered in one space. There were more than a few petty conflicts between family members on Thanksgiving and other holidays gatherings.
My mother decided after a couple of Thanksgivings it would be better to celebrate Thanksgiving at home by ourselves. So my mother learned how to season and make a turkey and stuffing. Instead of the traditional green bean casserole or sweet potato pie; our sides were Peruvian Potato Salad and Macaroni Salad accompanied by Peruvian Hot Chocolate and Dad’s famous alcoholic Peruvian eggnog. We would watch movies rented from the local video store while we waited for the turkey to be ready. When my dad started getting tipsy, he would start playing Spanish Christmas Carols, Huaynos, and Musica Criolla. It was music that my teenage sister would cringe at and me and my brother would tolerate. I didn’t realize then but I do realize now that my father was in his own way trying to make sure that we wouldn’t forget our roots as we were living this new life in America. My parents tried their best to make sure that our strong Peruvian culture and traditions were not forgotten as we acclimated to the the new Americanized way of living. When dinner was ready, we would sit down at the table. I ,being the youngest and most impressionable by my then Catholic School upbringing, would ask the family to say a prayer and ask them to say something they were thankful for. I think I was seven or eight at the time but I guess my parents thought it was a good tradition to start. And of course, my siblings would get annoyed but they did it.
Despite those first few Thanksgivings when we lived very much under the poverty line; it was still a happy time for us as a family. My parents made sure that Thanksgiving was almost always filled with warmth, love, and laughter. One could say that what Thanksgiving meant to my newly arrived immigrant family then was learning how to incorporate our culture into a new American holiday like Thanksgiving. While my parents understood the importance of assimilation; they still made sure me and my siblings didn’t forget our culture. Today, I’m filled with gratitude that my parents brought the best of both cultures to Thanksgiving and most holidays in their own unique way. I’ve been able to bring these bicultural traditions to my own family while also making new traditions.
me and my family circa 1986, I’m the one sitting on my mom’s lap
This was another poem about Paul. The first guy that would break my heart via email. I still don’t understand what was so hard about picking up the phone. Then, again, I might be a hypocrite saying that. Lol.
Where is the lie tho?
I need to be alone right now was your excuse Never your intention to hurt me Was what you said I’m still in love with her was what you meant Meaningless piece of ass was what I meant to you
So I really needed therapy then. Hahaha. This is another salty poem from the great breakup of 2001.This poem is obviously directed at “S” ex-wife who let me know he was cheating on me. Thinking back on it now, I was pretty cruel to the poor girl on the phone. Any anger I had felt should been directed at him and not her. She was in the same situation I was in.
And that dynamite exploded
So you got my man Thank you for getting him off my hands So you think he loves you It’s just a line to fuck you So you think I still want him I could care less about such a sorry thing So you think you are meant to be You are blind too, I see So you think he’s the real deal He doesn’t know what it’s like to feel So you think you’re lucky You got yourself another false story So you think I’m saying this because I’m super pissed Nah, I’m saying this cause you’re another girl on his growing list
I wrote this in 2001 about my ex Paul after he broke up with me via email after a couple of months dating. This is the last of the poems about Paul. Here is my blog post about my story with him:
Another poem written about the great breakup of 2001. This is a great example of my black and white thinking that comes with having BPD. LMAO.
Me with my nephew in 2001 around the time I wrote this poem
I thought you were kind I never thought you would destroy after a short time I thought you loved me I never thought you would betray me I thought we were meant to be I never thought you would cheat on me I thought I was the only one you cared about I never thought lying was what you were about I thought you were my dream come true I never thought you weren’t being true I thought I could put my trust in you I never thought you would make me so blue
I wrote this poem in 2002 about Brad, my former friend who lied to me for about a decade. Before I wrote this poem, we had met up maybe once and fooled around. After that, I tried to make it go back to a platonic friendship but he kept pressuring me for more.
I feel so fucking bad My dear friend Brad I know that you were displeased I never meant for to think I was a tease But I can no longer be that girl That doesn’t know her worth And is okay with being a “good lay” Sorry for not being able to be your booty call It’s just that I have learned That if I want respect I have to be firm I hope you’ll forgive me and understand And we can again be friends and hang
I wrote this about my ex Juan in the year 2000.Juan was an interesting character. I met him in October of 1999 while I was working at a gas station. We dated from October to December. He was either super charismatic or I was super dumb. We had fun. Since we lived with our parents, we had to be creative as to where we would have sex. I remember one time we had sex at work during my shift on my boss’ desk. Lol. However, Juan also conned me out of almost $3000 I had saved up saying his family needed the money. I hated myself afterwards. I also cheated on him with Sam. Anyways, Juan ghosted me in December and tried to come back sometime around January or February of the next year. I agreed to meet him because I was interested in getting my money back. Well, I got in his car and while he was driving around my neighborhood, he kept trying to put his hand in between my legs. I kept pushing him away, but he wouldn’t stop and kept getting more aggressive. Idk how but eventually I gathered my strength and anger and elbowed him in the crotch and managed to get out of the moving car. I never heard from him again. I should have been traumatized from that incident but I wasn’t. I think that while I was in the car with him, I was more pissed than scared of him. Looking back at this incident, it feels crazy that this didn’t affect me.
Me and Juan in November of 99Not a lie…lol
My dear amor How can I tell you? That I no longer love you How can I hurt you? By saying that all of the extraordinary feeling I once felt have gone and faded away from my heart and soul It’s not that I’ve falling in love with someone new It’s just that our special bond has been broken in two When you use to kiss me I used to think I was in heaven Now I just feel empty So sorry to say, but baby you’re fired
Another poem I wrote about the great breakup of 2001. Who knew that more than 20 years later, it would just be great blog content. Lol.
Ugh..this is me
Why did you have to be so painful for me? Why did it take me so long To find out you were doing me so wrong Why did you have to such a waste And leave my mouth with such a bitter taste Why did you have to put on such a good show I still can’t believe somebody could stoop so low Why did you have to make my heart so sore I don’t think i can stand the pain anymore Why did you have to show up And be such a damn fuck up
I wrote this about my friend Sam after I found out that he tried to sleep with my sister. I was furious after this happened but it was also kind of funny. So Sam put the moves on my poor recently separated and vulnerable sister. Well–according to my sister, when they were getting to the good part, his equipment wouldn’t work. At all. Haha. This is the last of the poems about Sam. He does make an appearance in my life in either 2018 or 2019 when I looked him up on Facebook and impulsively messaged him. Surprisingly, he responded but nothing came of it. I think that while the idea of him seemed nice, putting that much effort again into a former fuckboy didn’t feel worth it all.
I thought you should be told that you are a pathetic asshole You will never go anywhere By not playing fair You have no fucking respect I wish we had never met How could you lie to me? Can’t you see I thought we were friends But now you’ve become my fiend I hope I never hear your fucking voice Or see your fucking face I wish you unhappiness and many years of misery
I wrote this in November of 2001 about the great breakup of that year. I was quite salty. Hey, at least I didn’t go Joe Goldberg on his ass. Lmao. Sometimes as a way to process trauma, I will write letters to the people that have hurt me. This is an example of one of them.
I feel like this same story has repeated in my life over and over again
My heart knew you were no good Something told it you were not being true All those days you were out there “working” You had been out there fucking I should’ve known to walk away The first time your lying ways gave you away But I wanted so badly to believe That you were truly in love with me Now I’m a big mess But I deserve this I guess For not listening to myself And falling in love with your sorry self I’m glad we’ve reached the end Cause baby you were hell sent
I wrote this in 2000 about Sam. He was my FWB for over year and of course I developed feelings for him. I also felt guilt and shame because I was the “other woman” during that entire time. I also kept sleeping with him even though I was suppose to be a few “monogamous” relationships during that time. Maybe that’s why I have trust issues. I know how shitty and dishonest people can be because I’ve been shitty and dishonest myself. I also have this habit for falling for people I have no business falling for.
My friend Sam I like having you as my special friend I like it when we get together and we have wild and crazy sex You make me feel better than when I’m with him I suppose that it’s because it’s just sex The more I’m with you, the more i look into that beautiful ocean I call your eyes, the more I hear the achy familiar sound of your voice when you answer the phone,the more tender kisses you give me all over, I’m falling in a dangerous Situation here, the lust that I’m suppose to be feeling for you is now falling into this deeper emotion called love I’m sorry, I know it wasn’t supposed to happen I know that you belong to another and I know she’s the one you love and to you I’m nothing more than a warm body to warm you up at your convenience This is why I have to leave you my special friend Sam I can’t stand hearing your heys of feeling your tender kisses all over my body and just tonight I’m all yours but tomorrow forget I ever existed in your life With this my friend I say goodbye and I hope you live happily ever after with the love of your life