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Flash Fiction: Passage of Regret

She came in before him into the same house she was at a year ago. She wonders to herself why she‘s there at all. She knows the minute she steps into the room; it will be like welcoming back a ghost into her life. She feels like she has no choice. He offers her a drink, and she gladly takes many, hoping that this will numb the outcome her mindless and impulsive actions have taken her to. She wants to say “no” and that she has a boyfriend she wants to be faithful to but knows that now it’s too late. She stops him for a minute after he takes off her shirt and unhooks her bra. She tells him she needs to use the bathroom, and in the bathroom, she writes this. A night she would like to forget.

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Poetry: Inspiring

I wrote this in 2002 about John. John was this dude that I met in late 2002 at a bar. We danced and I fell into infatuation for him right away. He was a recent college graduate and so innocent. Maybe it was because he reminded of Andrew. Idk. What I do know is that this poem has some serious “Joe Goldberg” vibes. Lol.

right away

I know this may seem crazy
But the thought of you inspires me
And I know we just met
But this needs to be said
I already miss you
And want to learn everything about you
Starting with your last name
And are you like me, love insane?

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Poetry: Indifference

I wrote this in September of 2002 about Damon. I remember being annoyed with him and wanting to break up with him but Idk I kept procrastinating about it. It was one of those many times when I was afraid to be alone.

so true

I keep trying to figure out
what we are all about
We are suppose to be “in love”
but both of our hearts live
in a world of indifference
Let’s make this uncomplicated
And accept we’ll never be soul mates
and begin to follow our separate fates

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Reflection: Scared of Love

I wrote this in August of 2002 reflecting on Andrew and Lucas. I thought that they were 2 of the greatest loves of my life. I obviously don’t feel that way anymore. I understand now that due to the circumstances out of my control, there was no way I could have had long term relationships with them.

It always be like that

I’m scared of love. Maybe I jeopardize and push away any opportunity of love knocking on my door. Or maybe it is truly bad luck. I don’t know anymore. I feel so numb and used at the same time. This love shit seems so pointless. I feel like I lost out on the greatest love of my life either 4 years ago or 2 months ago, perhaps. Maybe I shouldn’t have worried so much about the others and fought for the love I felt for Andrew and Lucas but I had no clue as to how they felt about me. To Andrew, I felt like a passing fad but damn I would’ve done anything for him. For Lucas, I still believe that I was an escape for him whom I also had a great friendship with. I shared everything I ever was with him. I shared my feelings, my thoughts, I even gave him my most vulnerable aspect, my heart. These two men will always and forever be in my heart, a place many had tried to reach but only two have succeeded.

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Poetry: Lucas’Song

I wrote this in December of 2002 when I was feeling nostalgic about Lucas. I was pretty obsessed with him. I have this saying, “just because someone stops loving you doesn’t mean you automatically stop loving them.” Having BPD and being me means that when I get obsessed with someone, that “love” I feel doesn’t go away easily. It sucks but it is what it is.

heartbreak is hard to get over

I heard your song tonight
And my mind surrendered
To the memory of your baby face
and that achingly unique voice
It made me realize
How much I still miss you
and love you
It make me think
How lucky I had been
to have had you in my life
if even for a short while

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Poetry: You’re a Mess

I wrote this in 2002 about Damon. When we first started dating, things were great and then they weren’t. Right off the bat, he took me to meet his parents and daughter and he even met my son and my parents. However, we both had our issues and were probably not at a place to be in a relationship. Honestly, I was with Damon to escape loneliness even though we were incompatible and I think he was using me for the same reason. The sex was good and I grew to care about him but I never loved him. We would sometimes have these fights and ghost each other and then come back to each other. Maybe I was just too tired at the time to find someone I was more compatible with.

story of my life

I wish you were as simple as slow dance
but you’re a fucking mess
Like an upside down cup of coffee
And I don’t want to be part of your insanity
So I’ll tear myself apart from you
And perhaps clean up some of your mess
even if my heart will bleed ,even if the tears will fall

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Poetry: Special Friend

I wrote this in June of 2002 about Lucas after I had slept with him for the last time. I’m pretty sure that this was after I had started dating Damon. I guess I was looking for love wherever I could get it.

it’s still hard tho

After making love to him
I lie awake in his arms
And the only thought
that crosses thru my mind
is that “I want to stay here
With you my love”

But even wishing something like that
Would be violated by our complicated lives
And maybe even regretful sacrifices

So I lie in bed in a life
that is anything but the truth
and wonder to myself

If to you,
I will ever be worth more
Than just your special friend

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Poetry: Drunk

After breaking up with Ron while dealing with the whole Lucas drama, I was very impulsive and emotional. I wanted to escape from what I was feeling so I thought it would be a great idea to meet a new dude at a bar and hook up with him. His name was Damon and it would end up being yet another unstable relationship. This poem was written in June of 2002 right after meeting Damon.

truth

Got drunk last night
and somehow ended up
Naked and vulnerable
in some guy’s bed
We know what happened next
I gave in to mine and his desires
Not sure why I did
But everything felt so damn good
I just couldn’t stop
Even though I knew that
that it was so wrong

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Poetry: Forget Me

I wrote this in June of 2002 about my breakup with Ron. To this day, it hurts me that I caused him so much pain. I really hope he’s out there living his best life and he found the love of his life. I don’t judged the person I was when I broke up with Ron and 20 years later, I have loads of empathy for him. I can understand exactly why he reacted the way he did.

oh this left a definite scar

What can I do?
To burn away the pain
I’ve inflicted on you
I could say the famous
“I’m sorry” or
“It was never my intention to hurt you”
And these words would be true
but it wouldn’t be enough
to tear you away from the hurt
and pain I have caused
So I do what comes naturally to me
And walk away from your life
So you can start forgetting
the memory of me

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Poetry: Coward

I wrote this in June of 2002 when I was ghosting Ron. I was avoiding his phone calls and emails. I kept procrastinating on breaking up with him,

Forgiving myself is hard

My dear boyfriend
Sorry for being a bitch
You’ve probably noticed it’s you I ditch
Sorry for being such a coward
And being a big fat liar
Sorry for not giving you the love
you definitely deserved
and never putting you first
Sorry I wasn’t the “one”
And being so wrong
Sorry for waiting to break our ties
And all of my sorry ass lies
Sorry for never loving you
And never giving you your value

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Poetry: Escape

I wrote this in May of 2002 about Lucas. I was missing him and feeling nostalgic about him. It was hard because while we were still keeping in touch via email, we hardly saw each other.

It’s almost always like that

I tried to escape the thought of you
But it follows me wherever I go
Your scent, your voice, your kiss
Always remains fresh on my mind
No matter how long it’s been
Even if I try my hardest
To live without you
I somehow end up again
Trapped in the caged memory
that was your love

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Poetry: Do I Know?

I wrote this poem in June of 2002 and almost 20 years later, I still have the same questions. Lol. At this point, I don’t know if I’ll ever know what romantic love and that’s okay. My life is filled with all kinds of different love that I’m not focused on finding romantic love or really care to.

if only

I want to write about love
but do I really know what it is
Is it a certain look?
Or a certain action?
Is it caring for someone’s happiness
more than your own?
Or is it being with the one
that makes you crazy
and your heart race
with the sound of their voice?
What is love?

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Poetry: Silence

I wrote this about my ex boyfriend Ron, the one I cheated on with Lucas. I felt so much guilt and shame about the whole romantic fiasco. I should have broken up with Ron BUT this was a really confusing time and I was probably scared to be alone once again. I knew that the fling with Lucas would end eventually and that Ron wasn’t go anywhere…and honestly that’s probably the worst reason to stay with someone.

If I had to be honest with myself

As I lie next to him
So much is left unsaid
So much I want to tell him
But the words cannot
Escape from my mouth
I want to tell him the truth
Instead of live in this big web of lies
I have mistakenly driven myself into
I want to tell him
I was with another but I do love him
But I can’t say anything
I don’t want to hurt him
Instead I lie next to him
in this defying silence
When nothing is said
and he thinks I only love him

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Poetry: Mixed Feelings

I wrote this in 2002 about my coworker Lucas. This is a good example of the black and white thinking that happens with me when I’m in a relationship.

It’s always a war, I’m never the same after

You’re so close to me
And impossible to reach
You’re the one I want to be with
And the one I want to run away from
You’re my best dream
And worst nightmare
You’re my reason for my happiness
And the epitome of my frustrations
You give me a reason to live
And a reason to leave this life
You’re the first on my list
And I’m the last on yours