I wrote this in 2006 when me and my husband were in this monotonous routine of kids, work, and school. I felt lonely in our relationship and it was hard for me to express it to him.
It’s frustrating
Living like this
Without desire or passion
The only thing that’s left for us
Is to leave from here
This everlasting ocean of loneliness
In which we are drowning
And separately swim to the shore
of happiness
Where we both belong
I wrote this poem in late 2005 thinking back on how I felt about my second pregnancy when I found out. It wasn’t an ideal situation at all because I was still in college and my relationship with my husband was on the rocks.
This can’t be
happening to me!
but rarely does it ever lie,
that second pink line
Just when I was on right track
Again I am burdened for lying on my back
What will I do?
Who will I turn to?
How do I tell them?
Once again I am their biggest disappointment
To just sit here and cry
is just a waste of precious time
I have no choice
I have to get away from this awful noise
This will become my personal hell
Because of another persuasive male
I wrote this about my husband in 2006 when I thought he was being distant.
You didn’t think that I wouldn’t notice
That you have stopped caring for me
That when I reach to touch you
There is no response
How could something that started so beautiful
And intense end up so bland and empty
We’re together
But worlds apart
You no longer share
Your worries, your dreams
Everything that we once were
Has been shredded to pieces
But both of us deny it
You won’t tell me what’s wrong
Our silences are starting to be dreadfully long
Why can’t you just tell me
The whats, whys, and whens
Of falling out of love with me
And get our breakup over with.
I wrote this poem in 2004 when I was pregnant with my second child and mad at my boyfriend (future husband) for his lack of affection and attention to me. I was obviously very upset when I wrote this poem and instead of talking to him I wrote and bottled up my anger.
You refuse to see
All the hurt you’re causing me
With your indifferent ways
It’s a miracle you haven’t yet gone astray
You refuse to see
Our son is paying the fee
He may still be in my belly
But the tears you cause me
Also affect him
You refuse to see
That one day soon you’ll lose me
If you don’t stop
Being so fucking cold.
I wrote this in 2004 about my husband who I thought was being distant at the time. As you can guess, I don’t deal with rejection well at all and this is one example of many of how my mind deals with it.
Your frigid ways turn me into nothing
I don’t ask for much
but to you I ask for the world
I try so hard to make something
Out of the nothing
That has become us…
But all of it is meaningless to you
From the ages of 18 to 23, I worked for a government agency as an interpreter. I was well-liked by many of my coworkers and my first supervisor was appreciative of me. I was very good at my job and even cross-trained in many other areas that didn’t “pertain to my job”. However, at that job, I was also bullied and discriminated against for being Latina. I was also slut-shamed by my second supervisor and coworkers the latter 2 years I was there. I don’t want to say I deserved being slut-shamed but I’ll just say that I trusted the wrong coworkers with my private life and they went on to gossip about me to everyone. It was also a very stressful environment because of the work I did and clients I had to interact with. My depression and anxiety went haywire. In 2003, I decided to enroll in my local community college and major in English. In 2004, I was trying to go to school full time, work full time, and deal with my child’s new autism diagnosis. I was breaking down mentally and something had to give so I quit this job. I was fucking done. And this poem was inspired by that moment. I thought I had processed this trauma until it came back up in therapy in the summer of 2021. I didn’t realize it at the time but I had suffered a deep racial trauma that impacted me and still triggered reactions in me. I was angry. There is actually way more to this story and one day I’ll share it when I’m ready.
This was the hardest thing I did
but it had to be done
I couldn’t stand the gossip
or the two faces of everyone
the way they pretended to be my friend
but the minute I turned my back to them
they talked like I was the biggest wench
so much envy and hate
I HAVE TO ESCAPE
FROM THIS MISERABLE FATE!
so today I resigned
I didn’t tell them why
all I know is that for the first time
in a really long time
I feel something like happy
so long to the only place I have known
for an almost five year term
for once I breathe a sigh of relief
I finally had the courage to leave
so long to the hypocrisy of this place
to let myself stay here for another day
would only be a fucking waste
I wrote this in 2004 inspired by a rough family situation I was going through at the time. I needed to process what was happening in some way because I couldn’t confront the person. And well, I wrote this narrative poem.
Poor and destitute
in front of me she stood
asking for shelter and food
with tears streaming down her cheek
she kept on repeating
“let me stay with you tonight,
I promise, one day I’ll make things right”
I didn’t know what to do
for a while I just stood
trying to decide
if what I was about to do was right
so with pain in my heart
I had to say
“please go away”
she tried to resist
by giving me a guilt trip
and I told her once again
“please go away”
she still wouldn’t listen
and made me listen to her reasons
this time I lost control
and yelled at her to
“PLEASE GO AWAY
IF YOU DON’T WANT ME
TO GO CRAZY”
this time she listened to me
maybe she does care for me
it hurt to turn her away
but I couldn’t be swayed
to feel sorry for her
and allow her
to ruin my world
so in the end
this was the dreadful when
I would have to decide
between saving her or me
I wrote this in 2003 reflecting on the immigration of me and my family. The first six year we were in the United States was a nightmare. I’m not sure how much I will share of my immigration story because of all the trauma involved.
I was five at the time
when my parents lied
they said it was going to be great
our brand new fate
we were going away
so we could be safe
we weren’t exactly prepared for
the horrors we would endure
the hardships and struggles
the wonder of it all
why did they persuade us
in them we lost our trust
now we’ll never again believe
what they want us to see
I wrote this in March of 2004 when I was feeling nostalgic about Lucas.
So many things left unsaid
the day you decided to get away
So much left undone
Because I was no longer fun
So many tears I had cried
Asking myself a thousand whys?
Why did you leave?
I thought we were a perfect fit.
What was wrong with us?
That made you leave in a rush
Why did you break my heart?
by pulling us apart
And why didn’t you love me so?
It’s excruciating to let you go
I wrote this in February of 2004 when I was feeling nostalgic about Lucas.
I sit here at what once was our “spot”
and contemplate our last conversation
And I think over and over again how that last phrase got to
“Me and my wife had a long talk-and we decided to work things out”
I know I should have been happy but I was sad
I know I should’ve smiled but instead I cried
Of course I hid this very well from you
And the few words I could muster up was
“Well that’s good, I’m happy for you”
And I wonder why when I should’ve been happy for you, my friend
But I was sad for me
I sit down and wonder why
I always end up with the same lost guy
Who doesn’t know what he wants and hurts me tons
Who uses me just as an escape
to get away from his mate
Who never wants to tell me I love you
and thinks of me as anything but the one
who never cares after our tragic love affair fails
I wrote this shortly in February of 2004 shortly after my car accident. I was feeling so much depression and anxiety because of it.
I feel so lost
without sense of direction
So many feelings of frustration
over my life’s woes
Feelings of rejection
by the ones who once loved me
Feelings of anger
for never doing anything right
Where can I find the shining light
that I desperately seek?
Escribi este poema en Marzo de 2003 cuando estuve visitando Hawaii y pensaba en mi pasado.
Estoy en el mismo lugar
donde era una adolecente inmadura,
Impulsiva, e insegura
pero ahora soy otra
Una que piensa antes de arriesgar
una que mirar antes de pisar
Una que trata de olvidar
Antes de contemplar todo
lo que no fue de su vida
I wrote this in January of 2004 when I first started dating my husband. The age difference between caused a real uproar in both of our families and my friends.
I don’t want us to be ruined
By outside influences
Those people who are in disbelief
that you could fall for somebody
As plain and unimpressive as me
Those people that are jealous
of our unconditional love
And can’t stand to think
One day you’ll give me a ring
I wrote this in 2003 about Lucas. I was again obsessing about him.
Everyday I think about you more and more
My heart can’t help itself
I close my eyes for a brief second
and your wonderful and attached self
is what my mind sees.
I catch myself missing you
and it doesn’t make sense to miss something
I never really had.
You did something to me
without having to do anything.
Maybe you accidentally put a spell on me .
I still can’t figure out why you,
Mr.Forbidden has become
my new unrequited love obsession
Maybe love really does come
out of the least expected place
Or maybe I will always
Desire the one that I can’t have.
Life on the BPD 