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poetry: i’m sorry, lo siento

I wrote this poem in January of 2023.

me at 8 in an itchy AF dress, couldn’t hide my RBF

to little me, I’m sorry, lo siento
I’m sorry, lo siento
There are no words that could make sense
or give purpose to what you went through
it was awful that your childhood was tainted by trauma
that wasn’t acknowledged
or that your feelings were invalidated
by those who promised to love and protect you
I’m sorry , lo siento
I’m sorry, lo siento
and while I know my words are insufficient to lessen
the pain and trauma you experienced
I’m here to acknowledge it and make sure you can heal from it

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doing the best I can

you are enough
Daily writing prompt
What are your biggest challenges?
View all responses

I never asked to be born, much less to be a mosaic of trauma, insanity, and creativity
I prayed many times to be normal-to be someone else
but the day came when I had to embrace the masterpiece of duality and insanity that I am
to understand not everyone will understand me
to do the best I am with the deck of cards I’ve been handed

12/13/23

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poetry: new year’s day

I wrote this poem in January of 2023.

me in January of 2023

On new year’s day of 2023,I have resolutions but they’re simple
a trip to my homeland that’s been set in stone
teaching my son to drive
a divorce as a late birthday gift to myself
keep my bangs because that’s really who I am
pushing my oldest son to be more independent
Continue to share my poetry with the world unapologetically
Be wary of anything that pollutes my energy
try my best to ebb and flow with the turbulent waves of my emotions
take any obstacles that might occur in life in stride
make more time for my friends and family
become a new kind of brave woman
and continue to do things out of my comfort zone
to help me grow and evolve
become an example of determination, discipline, and creativity for my kids
to follow-
and continue to inspire others with my journey of self discovery
2023 will be chaotic with everything I’m planning
2023 will be the year where I’m the definition of bravery

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day eleven of patty: me and my trauma

I wrote this poem in november of 2023.

it’s me and my trauma-watch out, there won’t be a story left untold

I hold hands with my trauma and show her off to everyone
most people look at her with curiosity
some people are horrified
my family cringes and and whispers to me,
“it’s embarrassing, showing her as some kind of trophy”
I get mad and flip everyone off
and me and my trauma link arms and skip on our way
to share her story and create drama and chaos
who cares if no one understands our process
of how sharing her story is the key to my recovery

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poetry: surrender

I wrote this poem in December of 2022.

the journey has been worth it thus far…

I’m going to surrender myself to the source
to find my meaning and purpose in the universe
It doesn’t matter how many times I whine or bitch
about how hard this recovery is-
it’s going to be worth it-
and I’m going to look back on this journey
and will be glad I took my time
and didn’t try to jump any steps to get to where I’m supposed to be

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day ten of patty: mixed signals

I wrote this poem in October of 2023.

don’t mess with a poet-you’ll become her muse whether you like it or not

I give you a yard and you give me an inch-
it’s a game of back and forth nonsense
one where I respect your unspoken boundaries
and need for space
until one day the push back from you
pulled back into a dark place I haven’t been in a while
a place where my confidence breaks, a place where I start to question my worth
a place when my sense of self breaks once again
and I know right there and then, it’s better to give up
whatever this was
I’ve outgrown men who send me mixed signals

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poesia:nuestra canción

here’s the english version of this poem:

https://lifeonthebpd.com/2022/01/24/poetry-lucassong/

Nuestra canción suena en la radio
y el recuerdo de nuestra corta aventura de amor regresa
me pierdo en nostalgia y remordimientos
cómo es que una conversación de música
se volvió en unos de mis cuentos más dolorosos de amor
Cómo es que la vergüenza y culpabilidad de nuestro cuento de infidelidad
todavía me persigue en sueños y me hace sentir mal
quizás no fue tu intención causarme un infierno de trauma
Quizás debería superarte porque fuistes un desperdicie de mi tiempo
Pero a lo mejor es tiempo de perdoname y entender que hay algo de sanar
quizás contar nuestro cuento es la llave para recuperar
y poder enfocarme en el futuro que estoy construyendo

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day nine of patty: june 2014 me

I wrote this in september of 2023.

2014 me is proud of who we are now

The ME from June of 2014 sends me a message and asking, where are you?
I tell her, life didn’t go as planned-you’re divorced and looking for a place for your ex
but your kids are thriving-your oldest son has his driver’s license and is on his last semester
Of accounting at Athens Tech-
Your middle son will graduate from high school this year-
and your baby is now taller than you and becoming his own person
You’re working 2 jobs and you’re a citizen now and you’ve been to therapy
to learn healthier coping mechanisms-
you even drive now-you’re independent as fuck and live life on your own terms
you’ve even been to Peru twice-
You’re learning to follow your intuition and how use discernment in your choices
in how you live your life-
you’ve discovered your values underneath everything society brainwashed into you
and at the end of the day all you want be is a good mom and a good person
that’s the extent of your life’s purpose-
now that we know who we are
our next step is to plan the future we want-
we’ll keep on thriving girl-you were the go getter and determined woman in me
Even among one of my greatest depressions
You still got up and followed your passions-
And you laid the foundation-we’ll be okay-I promise
I’ll make you proud of me-
Love patty

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day seven of patty: marie antoinette

I wrote this poem in July of 2023.

that working class and immigrant rage is no joke

she thinks she should be thanked for flexing her confidence
clothed in privilege and luxury by posting advice to women
about how dining alone in a fancy restaurant is women’s empowerment
and I have an adverse reaction that makes me want to vomit
it feels like a modern day Marie Antoniette moment
perhaps it’s because I’m a working class immigrant woman
who struggles in America
perhaps it’s because the rights of the marginalized and working class
are being ripped away from us
and on my social media feed, this yuppie and elitist bullshit appears
how can I be friends with this bleached blonde Barbie
oh yeah, we worked together briefly
and I almost start to comment with an essay on how she should
check her privilege before handing out tokens of toxic positivity
while people like me are drowning in debt and lack financial stability
but I stop
this barbie isn’t worth my time or energy
it’s time to unfriend and unfollow the marie antoinette wannabe
who only serves to trigger my working class rage
who serves to remind of the injustice and inequality
in this capitalistic and racist American society

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day six of patty: heroine

I wrote this poem in June of 2023.

heroines go bravely up on stage and vomit out their feelings–pic is courtesy of my friend Amber Murphey

As I let go of my limiting beliefs,
I grieve the woman I used to be
so insecure and unsure of herself
so hesitant to take control and power
Overthinking and catastrophizing constantly
it held me back from living the life of my dreams-
Jealousy and envy filled me up
Scrolling the professional and personal successes
of others on social media
Thinking, “that could have been me”
and giving too much important to the opinions of others
wondering constantly-
“are they judging me?”
It was an toxic story I told myself since the age of 16
and it continued on and on until one day in my middle age
I exploded and decided to fight my inner critic
and challenge everything I thought was wrong with me
slowly I learned to turn my story around
Slowly I went from victim to heroine

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poetry: christmas day 2022

I wrote this poem in December of 2022.

my boys are everything to me

Relief comes after a nap on Christmas day
I woke up with so much joy and warmth in my heart
I feel like I’m standing on top of a mountain I’ve been climbing forever
A mountain climb that’s had a most treacherous uphill
and loaded with many obstacles I’ve stumbled and fallen from many times
but the universe, God presented me this gift of contentment for my life
the understanding that everything had to happen for this reason
to live in my childhood dreams of having my own family
who brings me love and purpose every day of my existence

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day four of patty: mortal

I wrote this poem in April of 2023.

it’s okay to make mistakes-it’s part of being human

I almost drowned in a whirlpool of shame today because I made a mistake
because I’m an imperfect human
but I breathe in deeply self compassion and grace
and accept this is a small blunder in my life
and it shouldn’t take up too much space in my mind
And I needed to be a friend to myself
Understand I won’t always be flawless-
Afterall I’m only mortal

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poetry: cut through the bullshit

I wrote this poem in December of 2022.

step aside for those ready to read her

pride and ego keeps us from speaking our truths
we don’t want to be perceived as crazy or as a basket case
and we suppress, suppress, suppress-
only speaking with cordiality and respectability
when we should really cut through the bullshit
and let every unfiltered thought make it to paper
so we don’t drown in anxiety and depression
regretting everything that’s never been said

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day one of patty: don’t wake up the bitch

I wrote this in January of 2023.

me in January of 2023…I give no fucks when I’m angry

when my inner bitch wakes up and rises-you better watch out
I have no scruples, I have no morals
my wrath has no limits
I’ll come after you with my words
call you out for hurting me or my loved ones
I’ll forget everything I learned in therapy
about compassion, about forgiveness
I won’t just act like a woman scorned
I’ll act like a villain in a horror movie
out for revenge