only tacos have an invitation to my heart…always and forever
On days like today, I feel too wild, too untamed to be loved, to be handled by anyone I feel like too much and I won’t find anyone who’s enough and I wonder if I’ll really be alone forever because right now that’s what my future looks like and it’s not me trying to diss any potential love candidates it’s me acknowledging how much of an earthquake, a hurricane, a tsunami I can be and even though I’ve done the work to tame my inner demons It still feels like there is still so much work left to do before I feel confident enough to invite anyone else into my chaos
My middle name is Elizabeth. I’m not sure why my parents chose this middle name other than the fact that it was the most generic white sounding name easy to pronounce and a few cousins and one aunt had this middle name. I was never been attached to it until my 30s when I took the shortened version of it, “Eliza” and unintentionally chose this as my alter ego and later on as a pseudonym for my writing. After the great depression of 2016 and 2017, followed what I now called the “great manic episode of 2018” in which Eliza first appeared. During that time, I did many unhealthy and toxic things like go on an array of dating apps, drink heavily, and just indulge in these terrible and self destructive behaviors.
Eliza in 2018
I used Eliza as the profile name for those dating apps and also, when I started blogging again in 2019. After much therapy and introspection, I’ve determined that Eliza is my shadow side, my alter ego that’s been much needed to deal with my depression, my anger, my madness-basically the worst of my mental illness. She was much needed to be able to deal when my emotions got overwhelming and I didn’t know how to keep going. I’ll say that while she’s caused much mischief, as I’ve started to recover from mental illness, she’s been instrumental in healing. I’ve learned to used this side of me to do badass and awesome things like conquer my driving phobia, learn to swim, travel to my homeland, write rage poetry, and perform at open mic.
me using Eliza’s confidence to perform
As time passed and I recovered more and more, I learned that eventually, I’d get to integration of self and I’d had to let go of her. Well, sort of. It took a while to get to the integration of self and this took many steps (I’ll write more about this in another blog post). The last step to get to my integration where I would become my most authentic self was my divorce which was 6 months ago. I knew as soon that afternoon after my divorce was finalized, I’d have to let go of Eliza, as a pseudonym, an alter ego, a protective entity to protect me. That afternoon, I switched all of my social media profiles and my two blogs to my real name.
meet integrated Patty-integrated and empowered
It was a very scary thing to do but a much needed one to finish this process of integration I started a few years ago. It was hard because for so long I hung onto this part of me that had gotten through the roughest of times and also, using my real name everywhere was extremely uncomfortable but I had to do it. I’m not going to lie and say that Eliza is completely gone because she’s not but she’s integrated into who I am now and I no longer use her as an excuse when my anger gets the best of me and a rage poem comes out. The best way to put it is that I’ve fully accepted that she’s a part of Patty but no longer controls me, defines me or is even the worst of me. She just is. I’ve learned the past few years how to manage this part of me in a much healthier manner that’s been productive and helpful to me in achieving my goals. Here are three poems I’ve written about her:
shout out to these folks who were there for Eliza when no one else was….hahaha
Eliza and Patty
If you’re gonna love Patty-you’re going to have to live with Eliza She’s the dark and loud side of me I try to keep her at bay , I try to ignore her But then something angers me and she appears I used to loathe her and say-hey, that’s not me-but now I accept She’s always been a part of me She makes me brave and strong-she makes me crazy and creative I haven’t had writers block since I’ve stop trying to suppress her And while it’s embarrassing that I have an alter ego She was necessary for progress and growth
10/13/22
Shadow
my shadow waits and waits to be integrated she’s been patient long enough she wants me to feel the true power of being whole she’s stayed too long in the sidelines as I called her “bad” and a “complete stranger” and I was ashamed of her and at times she jolted me and came out during my bouts of impulsivity or my super angry poetry and now I finally understand she’s me Well the part within me I hate to acknowledge but I’m no longer afraid of her and understand her and am ready for her to be acknowledged and take her rightful place within She will no longer be treated like a dirty mistress Nah, she’ll rule like a queen and I’ll feel whole and empowered
11/26/22
I run with my shadow
my transformation and rebirth meant giving voice to my shadow who’s vindictive, petty, and mean I’ve never really allowed her to breathe much less be seen and now she’s almost everywhere- taking space in uncomfortable spaces learning she’s not bad- she just needed attention and to feel valued I’ve finally accepted she’s an important part of me who needs to be heard, seen and loved
women are recognized all over the world today but none of us are equal we still have to fight the same bullshit every day if we’re human and show emotion, we’re labeled crazy or dramatic if we want to show off our bodies, we’re labeled slutty or conceited if we don’t give in to our partners because they’re “in the mood” we are called prudes, frigid bitches or worse, we feel obligated to give in to avoid being raped it we’re educated and try to succeed in our careers men are intimidated by us and try hard to dim our light and if we are loud and take up space we are labeled as too much and abandoned it’s like as much as the media try to paint a picture of equality it’s all a fucking lie because in my 42 years on this earth I haven’t lived anywhere where my existence is valued as much as man’s
I wrote this poem in March of 2023. I guess I was angry that day. Lol.
ask me how I self medicated during the height of the pandemic
I’m still salty about how you quarantined assholes treated us essential workers looking down on us, treating us like the plague making judgy statuses about we were all subpar I hope Karma got to some of you and you didn’t just get COVID one time but you got it three or four times I hope y’all got a lifetime of insomnia and cholesterol problems you have to take pills for the rest of your pathetic lives I hope y’all got a guilty conscience and life fucked you over and over again
I’m graduating from writing about revenge and everyone who has harmed me I’m switched this narrative from woman scorned and full of spite To a woman reborned opened to love and joy in life While it’s fun to be petty and mean It’s better for me to reclaim the corny romantic in me the one I’ve kept hidden for 18 months the one who cries at the end of rom coms the one who’s desperate to fall in love again to continue this narrative about how I’m in love with my solitude no longer suits me when I have a universe of love to give
my favorite pair of shoes are my black combat boots. I bought them sometime in the summer of 2021 during an impulsive shopping spree. They’re taken me to live shows and they are what I wear every time I go to perform at a new open mic. I also wore them with my Harley Quinn outfit for Halloween of 2021. They’re also one of my most comfortable pair of shoes and they go with a lot of my outfits. I’ve worn them with dresses, jeans, and shorts. It’s a weird thing to say but I feel like these boots help build up my confidence at a time when I was feeling shitty about myself and now they’ve become a very important part of my aesthetic. Every time I wear these boots with my dress beige dress to work, my coworkers know I’m moody AF and tread carefully. I’ve also worn them on my plane trip to Peru last year. So yeah, they’ve taken me to my homeland and back. It was a bitch to take them off for the TSA checkpoint but it was worth it so my fit was right.
valentine’s day is around the corner so we’re bombarded by teddy bears,balloons, greetings with corny shit like “for my wife, the love of my life” and flowers, the fucking flowers there are even journals for couples to fill out in hope of getting closer- I still can’t figure that one out and stupid heart shaped everything, from cookie cutters to pillows and flowers, the fucking flowers and most of us eat it all up thinking if our partner doesn’t buy us anything or doesn’t meet our romantic expectations on the most materialistic of holidays, then they must not really love us- never occurring to us how this business of love preys on us and our fear of being lonely it capitalizes and profits from it sending us messages that we need to buy this or that (get the flowers, the fucking flowers) to show our love it’s a trap that followed us since our school days maybe it’s time to riot and burn down anything related to this dreadful holiday especially the fucking flowers or maybe I’m just a crazy and jaded bitch alone on valentine’s day
One day you’ll be a bad dream I’ll wake up from One day someone will come along and you’ll be a distant memory of an intense and toxic past who took over my life for a while One day I’ll be loved by someone the way you could never love me One day I’ll look back on our time together and regret every moment wasted on you One day you won’t haunt my soul and mind One day you will no longer be my muse One day is here, now and forever
If only I could bypass the trauma lived and experienced my life would be a lot easier Perhaps I’d be fulfilled and not on this neverending heroine journey to acknowledge how trauma happened to me to understand how it changed me to tells the stories from it so I can begin to heal from it to do all of the work so I don’t pass it on to my sons and their children because this legacy of intergenerational silence with violence needs to stop with me even if it’s sometimes a painful nightmare to deal with
I’m healing and unraveling at the same time I’m unraveling the parts of me that no longer fit in my new narrative I’m unraveling the ugliness, my vengeful spirit full of spite and jealousy talking to it, deconstructing it cause to live with so much anger and resentment in my heart is draining and leaves no room for lovely and hopeful beginnings
Something on your “to-do list” that never gets done.
My goals for 2024
So my time is limited because of my crazy working hours, but something that keeps getting pushed to the back burner are my taxes from last year. I freaked out last year because haha I have to pay back an obscene amount ( welcome to middle class status in America), so I basically ignored them, and now here I am in a new tax year but now filing in a different status cause of my divorce. The good thing is that my oldest just got his A.A in accounting so he’ll do them for me this month or next. I’m good with the turbo tax software, but my situation feels like beyond my comprehension, so I’ll let an expert do it. Something I also need to do is spend more time with my 2 youngest sons. It is hard because my youngest likes to spend more time with his friends, and my other son has particular interests, which include discussing the state of world affairs and watching depressing foreign films. But yeah, I need to work on my relationship with both of them. I even suggested playing fortnight with my youngest, but he told me it was cringe and I’m too old. Lol. I hope this time next month, I’m done with my taxes and find ways to bond my sons.
life is smiling on me once again after a rough start to the new year- I find myself almost open to new love and everything’s inspiring me and my King Joe is back on the screen and now I got more money on the horizon I’m feeling this state of euphoria by celebrating each blessing and looking forward to new and exciting things new creative endeavors, another trip to my homeland and maybe even a new muse It’s February and I feel myself glowing and growing
I’m proudest of the woman I became on Sept 8, 2023-my liberation day
I reflect a lot on who I was, who I am, and who I will be- and I’ve reach the conclusion that I’m proud of all three versions of me Constantly fighting my demons no matter how viciously they came after me Constantly reinventing and rebuilding myself even when the chaotic earthquakes of life broke me apart I reflect on the goddess, the beast in me who always refuses to give up who continues to get and keep going no matter how hard life tries to break me down
Life on the BPD 