I wake up on a Sunday crying youβre not here in my arms once again I was too much,I was too crazy so I lay alone in my bed numb and empty Wondering- will I ever find someone to fill this void within me ? will I ever find someone who will truly love me? will I ever find someone with the patience of a saint who wonβt leave the minute I go insane? !
I called you a villain in my book of lust and love I never saw your humanity I never understood how I played my part in our chaotic and dysfunctional story of love Instead it was easier to blame you over and over again It was easier to play the victim rather than try to accept you as the imperfect human that you are Rather than to see how you never wanted a βwe; rather than to accept you just wanted someone sometimes to not feel so lonely
I cry a lot but I’m productive, it’s an art-Taylor Swift
I finally killed the romantic in me and I feel free and so happy because me and love are a toxic and explosive combo that makes me a terrible, crazy and delusional soul because love always brings out the worst in and right now, I need peace, I need calm I need to find stability within and Iβll never have that as long as I try to hold on to the romantic in me Goodbye to love You never made me feel like I was enough
this didnβt come easily but I finally love myself to the moon and back it was a hard process after so many years of self loathing and drowning in my insecurities I was my own worst enemy constantly focusing and scrutinizing Every single one of my imperfections Ugh, Iβm too dumb or too fat or too old Never did I see myself as a masterpiece of Godβs making until this year and now Iβve grown to love and accept every version of myself because despite of all of my mistakes and flaws Iβm still worthy of all the love in the world
These are the ingredients for emotional stability: Stay away from love at all costs Get enough sleep Write, write, write Exercise 3 times a week Stay away from love at all costs Meditate and practice mindfulness Read, read, read Spend time with my kids Call my parents Stay away from love at all costs Masturbate Listen to music to match my mood Go to therapy Cut down on alcohol Stay away from love at all costs
Old insecurities come to visit me again, they shake up my newly acquired confidence they tell me Iβm not smart enough and Iβll never be truly loved They tell the only thing I have going for me is how sexy I can be Otherwise Iβm a waste of a person because of my bpd And I try to shut it all down and not once again drown Because I have made so much progress and have come so far Only to once again fight an anxiety and depression war but itβs daunting not to let the negativity get to me So here I go once again trying to calm down my brain from intense and intrusive thoughts by covering myself with self love
So this year I was able to do the napowrimo challenge last month in which I wrote one poem a day and posted it to my blog. For information about what Napowrimo is and where I got my prompts, here is the link: https://www.napowrimo.net/
april 1st-me on the first day of the challenge
I wasnβt able to do the challenge last year because I was in Peru and well, I was too busy enjoying my vacation to think about the challenge.
me in Peru last year…experiencing the poetry of nature instead of writing about it
I did do the challenge in 2022 and I can definitely tell a difference in my poetry from that year to this year. Hereβs that blog post: https://wordpress.com/post/lifeonthebpd.com/3708 So a few things I have noticed in my poetry this year is Iβve gotten stronger in using imagery, my vocabulary is way better and Iβve even written some funny stuff. Hereβs one inspired by Yung Gravy that I loved and read at open mic:
I got to perform this at a variety show this month and got serenaded after by a zoomer-lol
Another thing I noticed is that Iβm getting better at telling a story through my poetry and hereβs an example of this, this one is also one of my most vulnerable poems that I loved:
this was one of my most vulnerable and favorite poems
I will admit that not all of my poems were βgood poemsβ and Iβll also admit that there were some days that it was hard to stay on task doing this daily since I do work 60 hour weeks but my discipline and determination won and even on the hardest and busiest of days, I still manage to write and post a poem. Also, I was determined to use the prompts from the napowrimo site and at times those prompts were challenging. However, I still used those prompts to the best of my ability. Also, when I did the challenge in 2022 I said something about turning off my internal editor and writing the poem and posting it right away. While I did turn off my internal editor (somewhat) when I wrote the first draft of the poem, I actually edited that first draft after I wrote it. I wrote a second draft in my journal and thatβs what I posted in my blog. This shows Iβm growing as a writer as Iβm editing and paying more attention to what I post. I think one of the major reasons Iβve grown as a writer is because Iβve found community with other poets online and in real life. One thing I thought a lot about as I was doing this challenge was my audience. My friend Alex (another poet) told me that when he writes his poetry, he thinks about how it will sound while reading it to an audience and that really stuck with me. I know Iβve said so many times, βI write for myself primarilyβ and while that is still true, I think that in order for me to build community I need to also think about my audience and my readers. I donβt think this takes away from my authenticity at all; I think Iβm just growing as a writer who aims to become better.
I’m so good at documenting those moments
My advice to anyone whoβs thinking about doing the challenge next year is do it for yourself and be gentle with yourself. Understand you donβt have to post it if you donβt want to and use any prompts available on the internet. As I look into doing this challenge this year, Iβm thinking of making my own prompts in Spanish and English for anyone interested in doing the challenge. I hope that next April when God willing I do the napowrimo challenge again Iβm better at my craft and I can inspire some of my fellow poets to do the challenge with me.
What’s the cost of being authentically me? not everyone will like me, lovers will run away from me I have a hard time finding someone who accepts me but it’s fine, it’s okay my worth means more to me than anyone who wants me to swallow parts of myself to accommodate to them because my self-esteem means more than acting like someone else’s dream so maybe the cost of being truly me is low compared to the parts of my true self I would lose for false friendships and false loves
I’m a lone brunette wolf in a world full of blonde sheep my exes always preferred blondes over me I never knew exactly why perhaps blondes really do have more fun perhaps blondes are easier to manipulate this used to bother me greatly, even robbed me of my sanity and sleep but eventually I had a great epiphany the one meant for me will not just love how sweet I can be Heβll also love and encourage the savage in me he’ll know how to ride the turbulent waves of my mood swings Iβm not sure if Iβll meet him soon or if he even exists but after this grand epiphany I no longer care about my exes and their blonde sheep In fact, I wish them all the best fairytale ending
Stuck in between Spanish and English is a bilingual nightmare constantly switching between languages gives me a lifelong jaqueca and at times I donβt get it right itβs switching between two identities Latina or American it gets hard and confusing at times but itβs who I am Hablo con mamΓ‘ en EspaΓ±ol I speak to my sons in English Hablo con los pacientes en EspaΓ±ol I speak to my coworkers in English and to code switch parece una comedia Iβm told that Iβm fun and loud en EspaΓ±ol pero soy profesional y reservada in English eventually I learn to meld my American and Latina personalities and I find my most authentic bilingual and bicultural identity
my poetry has never been to get attention, likes, comments, validation and while I appreciate all those things I have to be honest – my poetry is and will always be for me to speak my truth, to process my feelings, to heal from lifeβs tragedies to understand myself and learn to love myself as I am my poetry is the ultimate love letter to myself and the universe
from short hikes in Athens in 2021 to treacherous 5 mile hikes in Oxapampa in April 2023-it’s all unnerving
I put my insecurities and fears on display for the world to see itβs a most arduous task-itβs not for the weak at first I thought it was crazy it was me trying to get attention it was me seeking validation and while it may have been these things it was also brave, courageous to be so radically honest about what unnerves me Itβs how Iβve been able to heal and claim my identity