I’ve walked through the warzone of my love life long enough to know when a bomb is about to explode (when I fall of some guy’s dream girl altar) It’s a minefield full of suppressed feelings consequences of accommodating to a man’s ego And I’ll tread ever so carefully I don’t want to be alone, I just want to be loved, I’ll bend and bend until you call me Gumby Except I’m not and then I’ll snap and another bomb will go off “You’re crazy,” you’re dangerous” “ I don’t recognize you” all for expressing my feelings and wanting respect and dignity
we could have been friends but you ruined it by crossing my boundaries by showing your unhealthy attachment to me saying you’ll wait for me to change my mind acting like I’m a challenge to take on seeing me as an objection of your affection, a pretty girl to jack off to so I was left with no choice but to block you from my universe if you can’t respect my “no” and listen to me when I’m assertive about it I’m sorry it’s not me, it’s definitely you and you can no longer have access to me maybe upon a time I thought I needed you to validate me, to make me feel sexy but now I see you were just a temporary fix to give me confidence and when I saw how unhealthy this was I tried my best to be honest with you let it be known that I’m not here for any sexual or romantic energy but you didn’t take me seriously and now we can’t even be friends we are far better off as strangers
I wake up on a Sunday crying you’re not here in my arms once again I was too much,I was too crazy so I lay alone in my bed numb and empty Wondering- will I ever find someone to fill this void within me ? will I ever find someone who will truly love me? will I ever find someone with the patience of a saint who won’t leave the minute I go insane? !
I called you a villain in my book of lust and love I never saw your humanity I never understood how I played my part in our chaotic and dysfunctional story of love Instead it was easier to blame you over and over again It was easier to play the victim rather than try to accept you as the imperfect human that you are Rather than to see how you never wanted a “we; rather than to accept you just wanted someone sometimes to not feel so lonely
I cry a lot but I’m productive, it’s an art-Taylor Swift
I finally killed the romantic in me and I feel free and so happy because me and love are a toxic and explosive combo that makes me a terrible, crazy and delusional soul because love always brings out the worst in and right now, I need peace, I need calm I need to find stability within and I’ll never have that as long as I try to hold on to the romantic in me Goodbye to love You never made me feel like I was enough
this didn’t come easily but I finally love myself to the moon and back it was a hard process after so many years of self loathing and drowning in my insecurities I was my own worst enemy constantly focusing and scrutinizing Every single one of my imperfections Ugh, I’m too dumb or too fat or too old Never did I see myself as a masterpiece of God’s making until this year and now I’ve grown to love and accept every version of myself because despite of all of my mistakes and flaws I’m still worthy of all the love in the world
These are the ingredients for emotional stability: Stay away from love at all costs Get enough sleep Write, write, write Exercise 3 times a week Stay away from love at all costs Meditate and practice mindfulness Read, read, read Spend time with my kids Call my parents Stay away from love at all costs Masturbate Listen to music to match my mood Go to therapy Cut down on alcohol Stay away from love at all costs
Old insecurities come to visit me again, they shake up my newly acquired confidence they tell me I’m not smart enough and I’ll never be truly loved They tell the only thing I have going for me is how sexy I can be Otherwise I’m a waste of a person because of my bpd And I try to shut it all down and not once again drown Because I have made so much progress and have come so far Only to once again fight an anxiety and depression war but it’s daunting not to let the negativity get to me So here I go once again trying to calm down my brain from intense and intrusive thoughts by covering myself with self love
So this year I was able to do the napowrimo challenge last month in which I wrote one poem a day and posted it to my blog. For information about what Napowrimo is and where I got my prompts, here is the link: https://www.napowrimo.net/
april 1st-me on the first day of the challenge
I wasn’t able to do the challenge last year because I was in Peru and well, I was too busy enjoying my vacation to think about the challenge.
me in Peru last year…experiencing the poetry of nature instead of writing about it
I did do the challenge in 2022 and I can definitely tell a difference in my poetry from that year to this year. Here’s that blog post: https://wordpress.com/post/lifeonthebpd.com/3708 So a few things I have noticed in my poetry this year is I’ve gotten stronger in using imagery, my vocabulary is way better and I’ve even written some funny stuff. Here’s one inspired by Yung Gravy that I loved and read at open mic:
I got to perform this at a variety show this month and got serenaded after by a zoomer-lol
Another thing I noticed is that I’m getting better at telling a story through my poetry and here’s an example of this, this one is also one of my most vulnerable poems that I loved:
this was one of my most vulnerable and favorite poems
I will admit that not all of my poems were “good poems” and I’ll also admit that there were some days that it was hard to stay on task doing this daily since I do work 60 hour weeks but my discipline and determination won and even on the hardest and busiest of days, I still manage to write and post a poem. Also, I was determined to use the prompts from the napowrimo site and at times those prompts were challenging. However, I still used those prompts to the best of my ability. Also, when I did the challenge in 2022 I said something about turning off my internal editor and writing the poem and posting it right away. While I did turn off my internal editor (somewhat) when I wrote the first draft of the poem, I actually edited that first draft after I wrote it. I wrote a second draft in my journal and that’s what I posted in my blog. This shows I’m growing as a writer as I’m editing and paying more attention to what I post. I think one of the major reasons I’ve grown as a writer is because I’ve found community with other poets online and in real life. One thing I thought a lot about as I was doing this challenge was my audience. My friend Alex (another poet) told me that when he writes his poetry, he thinks about how it will sound while reading it to an audience and that really stuck with me. I know I’ve said so many times, “I write for myself primarily” and while that is still true, I think that in order for me to build community I need to also think about my audience and my readers. I don’t think this takes away from my authenticity at all; I think I’m just growing as a writer who aims to become better.
I’m so good at documenting those moments
My advice to anyone who’s thinking about doing the challenge next year is do it for yourself and be gentle with yourself. Understand you don’t have to post it if you don’t want to and use any prompts available on the internet. As I look into doing this challenge this year, I’m thinking of making my own prompts in Spanish and English for anyone interested in doing the challenge. I hope that next April when God willing I do the napowrimo challenge again I’m better at my craft and I can inspire some of my fellow poets to do the challenge with me.
What’s the cost of being authentically me? not everyone will like me, lovers will run away from me I have a hard time finding someone who accepts me but it’s fine, it’s okay my worth means more to me than anyone who wants me to swallow parts of myself to accommodate to them because my self-esteem means more than acting like someone else’s dream so maybe the cost of being truly me is low compared to the parts of my true self I would lose for false friendships and false loves
I’m a lone brunette wolf in a world full of blonde sheep my exes always preferred blondes over me I never knew exactly why perhaps blondes really do have more fun perhaps blondes are easier to manipulate this used to bother me greatly, even robbed me of my sanity and sleep but eventually I had a great epiphany the one meant for me will not just love how sweet I can be He’ll also love and encourage the savage in me he’ll know how to ride the turbulent waves of my mood swings I’m not sure if I’ll meet him soon or if he even exists but after this grand epiphany I no longer care about my exes and their blonde sheep In fact, I wish them all the best fairytale ending
mis rivales siempre son rubias quizas sera porque ellas se dejan manipular o porque a mis exes les dan paz mientras aunque yo trato de ser tranquila como ellas siempre fracaso porque soy una loba feroz en realidad nunca fui o seré una oveja que se deja dominar
Stuck in between Spanish and English is a bilingual nightmare constantly switching between languages gives me a lifelong jaqueca and at times I don’t get it right it’s switching between two identities Latina or American it gets hard and confusing at times but it’s who I am Hablo con mamá en Español I speak to my sons in English Hablo con los pacientes en Español I speak to my coworkers in English and to code switch parece una comedia I’m told that I’m fun and loud en Español pero soy profesional y reservada in English eventually I learn to meld my American and Latina personalities and I find my most authentic bilingual and bicultural identity
my poetry has never been to get attention, likes, comments, validation and while I appreciate all those things I have to be honest – my poetry is and will always be for me to speak my truth, to process my feelings, to heal from life’s tragedies to understand myself and learn to love myself as I am my poetry is the ultimate love letter to myself and the universe
Life on the BPD 