For the thirsty Thursday before Valentine’s Day, I have a sexy playlist for y’all. I’m a very sensual person which should be obvious from reading my blog. I’ve have had different types of sex from one night stands to FWBs to bdsm partners to longterm romantic partners. I’m not in any way ashamed of my sexual adventures. I’mactually proud of my versatility in my sexual adventures that I’ve had for more than 2 decades. It’s one of the perks of my BPD, my hypersexuality. The way I see it, when I get to be an old woman in my 90’s I won’t regret looking back on my life wishing I had tried a certain sexual experience because chances are I’ve probably tried it. Now, have I been slut shamed and judged for my adventurous sex life? Oh yeah, I’ve been slut shamed many, many times since I started having sex and as recently as last year. I could write more about slut shaming but that’s another blog post. Sex for me is one of the best things in life. And I’m not just talking with a partner;I’m also talking about sexy self love with your plastic boyfriend from Amazon (aka your vibrator) and a fantasy in mind. This playlist can be played while you’re fucking or making love to your partner or masturbating. It could be played whether you feel like a sensual princess or a seductive Queen.In the words of George Michael, “Sex is natural, sex is fun…not everybody does it but everybody should”. Also, as someone that works for Public Health, I will tell you to get tested for STI/HIV on a regular basis if you are sexually active and always, always use protection.
The ones in bold really get me going:
Dress -Taylor Swift PILLOWTALK-Zayn Need You Tonight-INXS Anywhere-112 Trumpets-Jason Derulo Earned It -The Weekend I Touch Myself -Divinyls Come and Talk to Me-Jodeci Any Time, Any Place- Janet Jackson Doin’ It-LL Cool J God is a woman-Ariana Grande Whip Appeal-Babyface Good For You-Selena Gomez I’ll Make Love To You-Boyz II Men Heaven-Julia Michaels Lights Down Low-MAX Red Light Special-TLC Sexual Healing-Marvin Gaye I Wanna Sex You Up-Color Me Badd Leave The Door Open-Bruno Mars I Want Your Sex-George Michael Like a Prayer- Madonna Freak Like Me-Adina Howard WAP-Cardi B, Megan Thee Stallion Love You Down-Ready For The Word
I wrote this in November of 2002 after meeting John. When I get excited about someone, I get EXCITED!
I don’t know how you got me to feel like this again So happy, so free For once, I’m excited about living Maybe it was the way We danced to the music Quickly finding our own rhythm Or the way you kissed me Gently on my face Or maybe, just maybe, it’s love
She came in before him into the same house she was at a year ago. She wonders to herself why she‘s there at all. She knows the minute she steps into the room; it will be like welcoming back a ghost into her life. She feels like she has no choice. He offers her a drink, and she gladly takes many, hoping that this will numb the outcome her mindless and impulsive actions have taken her to. She wants to say “no” and that she has a boyfriend she wants to be faithful to but knows that now it’s too late. She stops him for a minute after he takes off her shirt and unhooks her bra. She tells him she needs to use the bathroom, and in the bathroom, she writes this. A night she would like to forget.
I wrote this in November 2002 after a seeing my one of my exes. Chronic feelings of emptiness are one of the symptoms of BPD and in the past I’ve tried to escape it with alcohol or sex. I tried sex this time and it didn’t work.
She wants to enjoy herself as his once familiar hands and lips explore her body But she can’t
He kisses her breasts and she feels nothing
His hands touch those special turn -on places in her body And her body remains cold and numb
Then she realizes this meaningless act of intimacy she uses to satisfy her body’s urges is no longer enough
She now needs something more, she is frightened but the newfound emptiness Of it all She realizes she need love
I wrote this in August of 2002 reflecting on Andrew and Lucas. I thought that they were 2 of the greatest loves of my life. I obviously don’t feel that way anymore. I understand now that due to the circumstances out of my control, there was no way I could have had long term relationships with them.
I’m scared of love. Maybe I jeopardize and push away any opportunity of love knocking on my door. Or maybe it is truly bad luck. I don’t know anymore. I feel so numb and used at the same time. This love shit seems so pointless. I feel like I lost out on the greatest love of my life either 4 years ago or 2 months ago, perhaps. Maybe I shouldn’t have worried so much about the others and fought for the love I felt for Andrew and Lucas but I had no clue as to how they felt about me. To Andrew, I felt like a passing fad but damn I would’ve done anything for him. For Lucas, I still believe that I was an escape for him whom I also had a great friendship with. I shared everything I ever was with him. I shared my feelings, my thoughts, I even gave him my most vulnerable aspect, my heart. These two men will always and forever be in my heart, a place many had tried to reach but only two have succeeded.
I wrote this in June of 2002 about Lucas after I had slept with him for the last time. I’m pretty sure that this was after I had started dating Damon. I guess I was looking for love wherever I could get it.
After making love to him I lie awake in his arms And the only thought that crosses thru my mind is that “I want to stay here With you my love”
But even wishing something like that Would be violated by our complicated lives And maybe even regretful sacrifices
So I lie in bed in a life that is anything but the truth and wonder to myself
If to you, I will ever be worth more Than just your special friend
After breaking up with Ron while dealing with the whole Lucas drama, I was very impulsive and emotional. I wanted to escape from what I was feeling so I thought it would be a great idea to meet a new dude at a bar and hook up with him. His name was Damon and it would end up being yet another unstable relationship. This poem was written in June of 2002 right after meeting Damon.
Got drunk last night and somehow ended up Naked and vulnerable in some guy’s bed We know what happened next I gave in to mine and his desires Not sure why I did But everything felt so damn good I just couldn’t stop Even though I knew that that it was so wrong
In April, my parents leave the country and I do what most responsible 20 year old single moms do when they have the house to themselves- throw a party for me and my coworkers. It wasn’t a huge party and to be honest it was kind of lame. Lucas and Paula are there and we drink,hang out and talk.
Lucas eventually leaves the party and Paula cries to me about how upset she is that she can’t really have a true relationship with Lucas.It was a weird and awkward situation for me to be in considering my feelings for Lucas.
Around this time, Ron comes and spends a weekend with me and my son. I notice that he tries to discipline my son and yells at him and complains about how bratty son is. This does not sit well at all with me and I start to grow distant from him. I know that I need to break up with him but I procrastinate and procrastinate and procrastinate on this.
Around mid April, my son gets sick with pink eye and strep throat and I do as well and stay home a few days. On one of those days, Lucas comes by to spend the evening since his wife is out of town. He comes with food and alcohol. We spend a few hours watching TV with my son and eventually my son goes to sleep in the back bedroom. We start drinking and put on some music. Our soundtrack was Matchbox 20, 3 Doors Down, Hoobastank , Linkin Park , Shakira ,and of course Nickelback, Below is a playlist of the songs that “we fell in love to”:
We start dancing and there is so much chemistry and we kiss. One thing leads to another and we have sex in one of the bedrooms. It feels like this is a surreal dream and I feel like I’m really in love AGAIN. I’m in disbelief that I could fall in love again. In fact, I’m so in love that I’ll overlook the fact that 1) he’s married with no plans of leaving his wife 2) he’s still sleeping with my close friend Paula and of course 3) I’m still dating Ron. However, none of this matters to me because I think that eventually our special and unique love will conquer all because like duh…that’s what happens in romantic movies and telenovelas. Looking back on this, I think that most likely I had undiagnosed BPD based on the choices I was making. I mean, I even come up with nicknames for both of us based on the Brazilian telenovela, “El Clon”- He’s Lucas and I’m Jade. Here is a clip from that meeting that I felt captured the magic of our first meeting:
So after having sex, we start a whatevership that’s mostly phone calls and long ass emails where I vent to him about Ron and he offers advice. We also come up with more corny nicknames like Superman and Superchick. I cringe right now as I’m typing this but I’m trying my best to not judge my 21 year old self.
In the middle of May, I not only get more distant with Ron but I eventually ghost him for weeks. I was in love with Lucas but still felt a deal of shame and guilt about the whole situation. However, I couldn’t stay away from Lucas because I LOVE HIM and nothing else should MATTER, right? I’ll admit it, I was downright obsessed. And he fed into my “fire of love” with his emails and sweet words of love.Below is an excerpt from one of his emails:
At one point, I started to write a book about “us” because I feel like this is the GREATEST LOVE STORY EVER! Nothing compares to our “forbidden love”. I’m actually laughing right now as to how absurd it all feels. Like, wow, this was my real life 20 years ago. Then again, I do go on to repeat similar unhealthy patterns almost 20 years later so there’s that. After numerous emails from Ron asking me where I am, I decide to finally break up with Ron. I do it the worst possible way which was via email. I actually tell the story of how that all went dowin later on this month through poetry about how I processed it and endured Ron’s rightful wrath. Yes, Ron may have been emotionally abusive at times but he still deserved more than an email. After this, I vent to Lucas about it and this was his response:
In late June ,me and Lucas start to fizzle out and the emails are fewer and shorter. I process this through salty poetry and of course drinking and finding my next victim, Damon.
Eventually Lucas tells me he’s going to work things out with his wife and the emails stop. I accept it but it’s still hard for me to process but I find my next victim, Damon. Damon is there to catch me. He’s a new start for me, not exactly the start I want, but an escape from the feelings of worthlessness and abandonment I was feeling. That time was intense for me. I broke someone’s heart and had my heart broken at the same time while getting into a new relationship. It’s chaos, but hey that’s life on the BPD. As I’m at the end of this story, I never imagined that this is how I would tell this story. In my mind, this story has always been larger than life. I do want to add that I did run into Lucas a few years later when I’m working at Target and a few years after that I ran into his marriage announcement in the local newspaper and yes, I wrote a poem about that too.
Looking back, I don’t judge anyone in this story. I think that we were all just doing our best to find love. And of course, at times, even our best looks shitty. Also looking back on the emails and my journal entries from that time period , I see how these unhealthy patterns in relationships have presented in my life over and over again as recently as this past year. It almost makes me want to stay alone forever to be honest because it sucks to keep repeating this story over and over again. However after almost 6 months of therapy, I’m learning to not judge my past self because she was just doing the best with the information she had at the time. Still, I think it will be a long time before I think about dating.
There’s an idiom that says, “Don’t shit where you work” which means “Don’t get romantically involved with your coworkers”. There’s a good reason as to why this idiom exists. Dating is messy and complex enough without adding the complication of working together. Having said that, let me start by saying that Lucas did shit a lot with 3 of his coworkers . This would have been a way less complicated if Lucas and his wife would have practiced ethical non monogamy but that wasn’t really a thing heard of in the early 2000s and especially not in Georgia.
It’s January 2002 in a northern Georgia town and I work for the Department of Family and Children’s Services as an interpreter for Food Stamp and Medicaid Services and I’m also serving as the interpreter for Child Protective Services since their interpreter either got fired or left, I can’t remember. Lucas is an investigator for Child Protective Services and my other two coworkers, Sam and Paula are Investigators as well. Lucas is married, in his early 30s and lanky but cute enough I get a crush on him right away. Sam is married, in her mid to late twenties, slender and blonde. Paula is fresh out of college, mixed and a force to be reckoned with. Oh and also, my roommate/co-parent T is also working as a Foster Care worker but that’s a story for another time. Anyways, Lucas, Sam, and Paula all start working for DFCS at the same time in January.
At some point I start going out with them to interpret when they start going out on case investigations. I remember the first time I went out with Lucas and we went to talk to this mom at the local chicken plant. We were waiting in this room the mom’s boss had put us in and were sitting side by side. We were making small talk and he accidentally touched my bare knee. When he touched me, it felt like an electric shock went through my body and I can tell he feels something because of the way his face turns red. The only time I had ever felt like this before was when I met the first Andrew for the first time. The mom comes in and he tells her that the school has concerns and I interpret. After that event, me and Lucas became friendly and well, became friends. Around this time, I also became good friends with Paula. Me and Sam never really vibe because like most of the caseworkers at DFCS, she’s stuck up and looked down on the office assistants (that was my official title) without a college degree. It was a pretty toxic work environment but that’s a story for another time.
February comes and Paula tells me that she has a crush on Lucas and I listen to her but don’t tell her I also have a crush on him. I also started dating Ron around this time and while I’m not into Ron at first I go for it because he seems really into me and makes an hour and 30 min drive to see me. Ron is an apartment manager and also the lead singer of his heavy metal band. I don’t remember the name of the band except that it has psycho in it. Ron is 24,witty, is 6’4 with a larger frame and blond with blue eyes. Ron is great at taking me seriously. Within a month, I met his parents and he met mine and he even met my son. My parents nicknamed him “el Rockero”. Ron seems like a dream, right? Well, Ron is also kind of a drug dealer. I call him kind of a drug dealer because his drug of choice is weed. Ron is also very sarcastic and has this tendency to make me feel dumb and needy at times. However, not one to give up on relationships because the alternative is being lonely, I stick with it. I don’t think he intentionally meant to but at times, his insults felt like emotional abuse. However, did I forget to mention the part where he’s the most attentive boyfriend and he whisks me away to Atlanta to the apartment complex he managed for sex and great food on the weekends. It meant a lot to me, a young mom who lives in a shitty Southern small town and works in a toxic environment. Of course, I do also have to mention that on more than a few occasions he embarrassed me in front of his friends in a public by calling me dumb or stupid but you know-the sex is great and he loves me. Ah, young love-isn’t it the best?
Around this time, there were rumors at work that Sam and Lucas were “involved”. I got mad and jealous about it and wrote this poem:
Paula was upset as well and talked to me about it. She didn’t know that I understood her more than she knew. By this time, me, Paula and Lucas were going out to lunch together on a weekly basis when our schedules permitted it. One day, Paula couldn’t make it and it ended up just being me and Lucas going out to lunch at the Applebees.
I asked him outright, “Are you having an affair with Sam?”
He answers,“No,that’s ridiculous, I’m married”.
I reply, “well there is this rumor going around that you are”.
And he answers “nah, you know how these people are”.
I decided to believe him. At that lunch we open up more to each other and discover that we both love to write and decide to share our writings with each other. This brought us closer as friends. After that lunch, I wrote this poem:
The next day Sam corners me in the office and asks me, “have you heard the rumor going around in the office?”
I asked her“what rumor?”
She answers,“that you and Lucas had sex yesterday”
I asked, “where?Applebees?”
She didn’t even flinch or laugh. People actually thought that me and Lucas had sex because they saw us leave together for lunch. I told y’all,it was a TOXIC work environment.
I told Sam, “no, we went out to lunch as FRIENDS”
She’s says, “okay, I believe you. It would be weird considering me and Lucas spent the weekend in New Orleans for Mardi Gras together”.
I answered “ah,okay”. So she dropped this bomb on me and I was Idk, shocked but decided it was none of my business. I also turn 21 that month and I go to the local bar with my coworkers and get really, really drunk. Well, a lot of us do. That’s when Paula tells me that she’s also been seeing Lucas.
I wrote this in January of 2002 about my married coworker Damon. When I have a crush on someone, I kind of use to get obsessed about them. It’s borderline Joe Goldberg vibes. Lol. I can’t tell if it was me having BPD or me being a normal20 year old.
So I look at you with my droopy lovesick eyes And talk to you with my schoolgirl crush voice Because that’s all I can ever do It can never go further than that Because you’re married to another And that’s something I’m obligated to respect The only thing left for me to do is to stay away from you maybe then my obsession Will slowly disappear
Sometimes I wonder if Paul aka my own “Jake Gyllenhaal”ever felt this.Probably not. I remember it like it was yesterday. I was 19 and he was 29. He honestly had no business dating a teenager but to him I was mature for my age cause I had a kid. He loved the passion and excitement I brought at the beginning but left cause he didn’t have the emotional bandwidth at the time when I wanted to be treated as something more than an easy and convenient snack. When the “All Too Well” 10 minute version came out, I felt like whoa this song is way too relatable. And it wasn’t because of my most recent breakup; it was because of unresolved trauma from Paul. It was me revisiting a traumatic time in my life where there was a strange power dynamic with this divorced man who had tons of more life experience than I did. Also, like the “Jake” in the “All Too Well” video he was all about the “fuck the patriarchy, I love strong women vibe” UNTIL that strong woman demands to be treated better, until that strong woman holds him accountable for his actions. People may say “oh you read too much into a casual relationship” but this mutherfucker was meeting my parents and son within the first two weeks of dating me. Tell me how this looks like to an impressionable 19 year old young adult confused and looking for love.
I remembered when he brought me around his friends and it was kind of embarrassing that I couldn’t drink with them due to my age. I should have seen the first red flag when he told me that the major reason for his divorce was that his ex-wife was “crazy” and he painted himself as the victim. I should have seen the second red flag when he told me “not to fall in love with him” when we were having sex for the first time. After maybe 6 weeks, we were suppose to spend Valentine’s Day together and he never showed up.Instead of picking up the phone and letting me know he wasn’t going to make it, he sent me an email the next day with some bullshit excuse and telling me “not to be mad at him”. At 19 almost 20 years old, I had the maturity to understand that he wasn’t making me a priority when I was making him one and I had to speak up. I understood something was changing as he grew even more distant from me and I tried to accommodate to what he needed even if it hurt And then after one week, he killed me with an email. He didn’t even think I was worth a phone call.
Later on he contacted me about wanting to be friends. And I, thinking it was the mature thing to do and still wanting to please this person that I had grown attached to and cared for, accepted this offer of pseudo friendship. Yes, this dude had kill the very essence of my soul with an email (not thinking I was worth a phone call) and I was still trying to reassure his ego by remaining friends. I did this as I cried at night wondering why I wasn’t good enough. I faked this friendship as my heart was breaking wondering how I always get stuck with these confused boys whose “intentions were never to hurt me” but somehow always do in such a way that I end up losing myself. I did this as I would throw up every time after I got off the phone with him.To add insult to injury, he accused me of giving him an STD shortly even though he had also been sleeping with his ex wife ( either cheating on me or very shortly after we broke up). During the time I was with him, it was only him and I had never given him reason to think differently. Did my sexual passion or my Latinidad give him a pass to judge and slut shame me? The things he had gone crazy over suddenly transformed me into a whore in front of his eyes. I handled that whole situation with grace, went to get tested for his peace of mind, was slut shamed by the nurse who did the testing. Still remained in contact with him and yes, this friendship was just a ruse to have access to sex with me again if things didn’t work out with his ex wife. I found out months later when he asked me to dinner and we slept together. I remember feeling disgusted and ashamed of myself cause I felt nothing and very numb the entire time we had sex in the parking lot of a church (yes-he was a super classy guy-lol). After that, he disappeared. It feels like a life time ago and yet a few of those unhealthy patterns emerged again in my love life in October of that same year (“S” aka the great breakup of 2001) and in other relationships throughout my adult life. Lol. I wish I could say that the chapter of Paul ended after he disappeared but it didn’t.
He messaged me through myspace sometime around 2005 even though he was married at the time. Me, trying to be polite chatted with him for a couple of weeks. In March of 2020, he also messaged under the ruse of friendship and as we were chatting he sends this message:
I hadn’t talked to him since April of 2020 BUT I didn’t feel closure from this situation so I reached out to him on November 14th of this year and sent him this message:
After sending this message, I proceeded to block him. And honestly, I felt this great sense of relief and closure. It really bothered me that I didn’t stand up for myself at the time and he basically got away feeling like he was a “good or nice guy” in the situation and I let him continue to objectify me out of the facade of being polite. I will also say that while revisiting this was traumatic; it made me also reflect something. For example, how reactive I am when certain similar situations in my life have occurred. If I feel slut shamed, judged or objectified; I explode in a fit of anger and rage. I don’t do this all of the time because I’ve learned to ignore and process those situations in a healthy manner, however, if my emotional bandwidth isn’t there, LOOK OUT!That being said, as weird as it sounds, I’m glad that I got I revisit this traumatic experience in my life because I needed to truly heal from it and closure. Also, I don’t plan to reach out like this to all of my exes, I have mostly healed and gotten closure from most of my breakups; but I do have to say that certain relationships have marked meand there are certain unhealed parts of those relationships I haven’t healed from that need to be addressed. This might look like reaching out to them or writing a blog or another poem about them.
I wrote this about my ex Juan in the year 2000.Juan was an interesting character. I met him in October of 1999 while I was working at a gas station. We dated from October to December. He was either super charismatic or I was super dumb. We had fun. Since we lived with our parents, we had to be creative as to where we would have sex. I remember one time we had sex at work during my shift on my boss’ desk. Lol. However, Juan also conned me out of almost $3000 I had saved up saying his family needed the money. I hated myself afterwards. I also cheated on him with Sam. Anyways, Juan ghosted me in December and tried to come back sometime around January or February of the next year. I agreed to meet him because I was interested in getting my money back. Well, I got in his car and while he was driving around my neighborhood, he kept trying to put his hand in between my legs. I kept pushing him away, but he wouldn’t stop and kept getting more aggressive. Idk how but eventually I gathered my strength and anger and elbowed him in the crotch and managed to get out of the moving car. I never heard from him again. I should have been traumatized from that incident but I wasn’t. I think that while I was in the car with him, I was more pissed than scared of him. Looking back at this incident, it feels crazy that this didn’t affect me.
My dear amor How can I tell you? That I no longer love you How can I hurt you? By saying that all of the extraordinary feeling I once felt have gone and faded away from my heart and soul It’s not that I’ve falling in love with someone new It’s just that our special bond has been broken in two When you use to kiss me I used to think I was in heaven Now I just feel empty So sorry to say, but baby you’re fired
I wrote this in 1997 after a really strange situation after a hookup. So I hooked up with this guy I met off the internet and he was 19 and in the Air Force. Well it turned out that his girlfriend (a freshman) went to the high school I went to and she found out and confronted me about it. I had so many feelings of shame and guilt. Looking back on it, this dude was a predator dating/hooking up high school girls. Ick!
You thought it would be fun To use me as a hit and run Thought you would never see me again You thought it was great Just to use me to mate Thought you wouldn’t hurt anyone You thought no one would find out about our little love bout Thought it would be fine After you crossed that thin line Between friendship and something more Little would I know How much it would hurt me so To let you take me away In your warm embrace Little would I see How bad you would be for me to be led by your persuasion into your lust filled creation
I wrote this in 2000 about Sam. He was my FWB for over year and of course I developed feelings for him. I also felt guilt and shame because I was the “other woman” during that entire time. I also kept sleeping with him even though I was suppose to be a few “monogamous” relationships during that time. Maybe that’s why I have trust issues. I know how shitty and dishonest people can be because I’ve been shitty and dishonest myself. I also have this habit for falling for people I have no business falling for.
My friend Sam I like having you as my special friend I like it when we get together and we have wild and crazy sex You make me feel better than when I’m with him I suppose that it’s because it’s just sex The more I’m with you, the more i look into that beautiful ocean I call your eyes, the more I hear the achy familiar sound of your voice when you answer the phone,the more tender kisses you give me all over, I’m falling in a dangerous Situation here, the lust that I’m suppose to be feeling for you is now falling into this deeper emotion called love I’m sorry, I know it wasn’t supposed to happen I know that you belong to another and I know she’s the one you love and to you I’m nothing more than a warm body to warm you up at your convenience This is why I have to leave you my special friend Sam I can’t stand hearing your heys of feeling your tender kisses all over my body and just tonight I’m all yours but tomorrow forget I ever existed in your life With this my friend I say goodbye and I hope you live happily ever after with the love of your life
I wrote this in November of 1999 after I met Sam, this guy who ended up being my FWB for almost a year. We hooked up that first night in his car. He was honest about being in a relationship but Idk…I guess hormones took over. Lol.
I can’t stop thinking About how our bodies started linking Movie, dinner, a walk under the stars I never thought our date would go so far You told me you had someone in Miami I knew you were suppose to be off limits to me But once I felt your delicious kiss I knew I could no longer resist So I surrendered myself To the lust I felt