I want to fast forward to the version of me who’s not always in her head who’s not struggling to regulate her emotions who’s not so fucking jaded and negative when it comes to love who’s not terrified of change who doesn’t take things personally I know, I know I shouldn’t wish to be anyone else and fully live and enjoy this version of myself but lately, I’m having a hard time moving on to the next level of my life everything feels so comfortable everything feels so peaceful I’m scared to make any waves and return to chaos even if I know it’s necessary to get to YOU the future version of me who embraces change with courage and bravery Only this version of can dream of
“back when I was living for the hope of it all”-Taylor Swift
I’m a poet, I’m a writer but when it comes to expressing the romantic in me I have the hardest time I’m great at expressing my anger, my disappointment, my shame but when it comes to love, I shy away and put my guard up it’s a mix of trauma and cognitive distortions I’ve held within me since the age of 16 self limiting beliefs that no man has ever loved or respected me and failing at all of my love stories no matter how hard I tried to succeed, no matter how much I accommodated or changed for my partner, he leaves me and I’m left flabbergasted, devastated, traumatized so embedded and attached to my past tragedies I’m apprehensive and hesitant when it comes to trying on someone new. when to comes to pursuing anything more than friendship it leaves me in the land of “I don’t know how to fucking do this again without it breaking me” and so I sit still, waiting for my crush to say something, do something to restart my heart once again
I’ll leave an emotional stain on your life that will be hard to get rid of You’ll curse the day I was born You’ll regret the day you ever meet me because I demand respect, because I’ll never be your safe place because I’ll say “no” to being relegated to the role of mistress and you’ll accuse me of being crazy and narcissist just because I wanted to be treated with dignity just because I want to be seen as more than another girl to pass the time with
once my boundaries are crossed, I CUT YOU OUT LIKE TAGS ON MY CLOTHING (like the great Conan Gray said)
it’s not romance, it’s harassment placing me on your dream girl altar and telling me about your boner Even after I told you no But then you still threw me your delusional love and when I was honest right way and I told you “I’m sorry but no” somehow now I’m a crazy bitch, a stranger who’s letting her mental illness talk for her after calling out your misogynistic behavior All I said was no to you and the insults come on cue I warned you, didn’t I and now foul, you cry I told you I wasn’t ready for what you had to offer but you kept playing the part of my great admirer and maybe I’m fucked up in the head but your fantasies I needed to behead I needed to keep myself safe from men like you who try to bully me into loving them into giving in because your endless attention and compliments haven’t you read my story? I’m not no longer a woman who bends and bends to man’s thirst for me
“I should have known it was strange, you only come out at night”- Olivia Rodrigo
I never paid much attention to where I put my body I never really cared as long as my sexual needs were met as long it was called sexy but this habit hurt me over and over again Until one day I was trapped and couldn’t breathe and I watched my body from afar being desecrated by the person who claimed to love me after that day- I grew protective of my precious body ran away from anyone who might hurt it my body is too much of a masterpiece for me to allow it to ever be defiled and disrespected in the name of “love”
me with my emotionally supportive squad who helped me fill out my divorce paperwork- Shoutout to Meg, who took tacos for payment as she filled out most of it and gave me advice…
you’re my small town I’ve outgrown but am afraid to leave no one seems to understand this they’re concerned you’re holding me back they’re concerned staying with you stiffens my dreams and while I know they want what’s best for me and I agree with most of what they say How do I explain to them, it’s more complicated than I’ve made it out to be while you are hard to live with life without you feels almost empty and while it’s the right thing to do to end our marriage so we can move forward as a family it’s still hard to imagine a beginning without you
me and my boys-one of the major reasons I’m determined to be the strongest and most empowered woman in their lives
Our children pay attention to the stories we tell ourselves I noticed when my son’s heart broke for the first time and it awakened a deep catharsis within me I would no longer hold onto my victim story the one where I tell myself, “I’m worthless, I’m not good enough, I’m unlovable” Instead I’ll walk with confidence and all of the self love I can muster up for myself maybe just maybe if I can model this type of healthy behavior the cycle of generational self loathing and self destruction will finally be broken And my children has a chance of living a life filled with more joy and contentment than mental illness
this didn’t come easily but I finally love myself to the moon and back it was a hard process after so many years of self loathing and drowning in my insecurities I was my own worst enemy constantly focusing and scrutinizing Every single one of my imperfections Ugh, I’m too dumb or too fat or too old Never did I see myself as a masterpiece of God’s making until this year and now I’ve grown to love and accept every version of myself because despite of all of my mistakes and flaws I’m still worthy of all the love in the world
after everything was done and dusted, all that was left were the memories of the woman I had been- I used to hate her, absolutely loathe her viewing her as weak and worthless for allowing the painful words of others to rob her of her confidence and power but now I see how brave she was trying to fight her demons in her mind Day in and day out, no matter what always getting up to function she gathered her strength from somewhere to become the version of me I am today
“I wanna live life from a new perspective” -Panic! At the Disco
old trauma wounds swim up to the surface Triggered by a thoughtless comment a dismissive action and I speak up this time instead of holding it in But I’m ignored as if my hurt feelings mean nothing But this time, instead of letting it go and going with the flow I reciprocate the same dismissive energy because the version of me Who’d allow herself to be run over just to be accepted no longer exists
My aura is a bright orange red it means I’m passionate, it means I get angry easily it means I have the most intense energy and while I joke how my soul is black my aura tells a different story It tells a story of a woman who loves hard who’s an emotional mess at times Who fosters a unique strength and resilience to go on Who’s a fucking Goddess
hold me until I forget about how this story usually ends With me having a meltdown and crying and you leaving cause you can’t handle it Hold me until I find enough courage to trust you to be vulnerable and soft with you Hold me until you make me believe in love again
I want to scream, I want to cry I want to throw myself off the precipice of some cliff but faith whispers to me “You will not always feel like this” and slowly I begin to piece myself back together and It’s hard at first because I don’t know where to start Because so much in me is shattered and scattered But somehow I know that faith is by my side and hope will quickly follow and I won’t always feel so lonely, so hopeless
“I can’t recall the last time I was kissed”-Lizzy McAlpine
I didn’t mean to, it wasn’t in my plans for self improvement But I fell for you in spring I don’t even know when it started to happen All I remember is absolutely hating it hated how soft and corny it made me hated how I started smiling at your messages hated how you started to melt my jadedness about love and how I finally felt like love was a possibility for me
So this year I was able to do the napowrimo challenge last month in which I wrote one poem a day and posted it to my blog. For information about what Napowrimo is and where I got my prompts, here is the link: https://www.napowrimo.net/
april 1st-me on the first day of the challenge
I wasn’t able to do the challenge last year because I was in Peru and well, I was too busy enjoying my vacation to think about the challenge.
me in Peru last year…experiencing the poetry of nature instead of writing about it
I did do the challenge in 2022 and I can definitely tell a difference in my poetry from that year to this year. Here’s that blog post: https://wordpress.com/post/lifeonthebpd.com/3708 So a few things I have noticed in my poetry this year is I’ve gotten stronger in using imagery, my vocabulary is way better and I’ve even written some funny stuff. Here’s one inspired by Yung Gravy that I loved and read at open mic:
I got to perform this at a variety show this month and got serenaded after by a zoomer-lol
Another thing I noticed is that I’m getting better at telling a story through my poetry and here’s an example of this, this one is also one of my most vulnerable poems that I loved:
this was one of my most vulnerable and favorite poems
I will admit that not all of my poems were “good poems” and I’ll also admit that there were some days that it was hard to stay on task doing this daily since I do work 60 hour weeks but my discipline and determination won and even on the hardest and busiest of days, I still manage to write and post a poem. Also, I was determined to use the prompts from the napowrimo site and at times those prompts were challenging. However, I still used those prompts to the best of my ability. Also, when I did the challenge in 2022 I said something about turning off my internal editor and writing the poem and posting it right away. While I did turn off my internal editor (somewhat) when I wrote the first draft of the poem, I actually edited that first draft after I wrote it. I wrote a second draft in my journal and that’s what I posted in my blog. This shows I’m growing as a writer as I’m editing and paying more attention to what I post. I think one of the major reasons I’ve grown as a writer is because I’ve found community with other poets online and in real life. One thing I thought a lot about as I was doing this challenge was my audience. My friend Alex (another poet) told me that when he writes his poetry, he thinks about how it will sound while reading it to an audience and that really stuck with me. I know I’ve said so many times, “I write for myself primarily” and while that is still true, I think that in order for me to build community I need to also think about my audience and my readers. I don’t think this takes away from my authenticity at all; I think I’m just growing as a writer who aims to become better.
I’m so good at documenting those moments
My advice to anyone who’s thinking about doing the challenge next year is do it for yourself and be gentle with yourself. Understand you don’t have to post it if you don’t want to and use any prompts available on the internet. As I look into doing this challenge this year, I’m thinking of making my own prompts in Spanish and English for anyone interested in doing the challenge. I hope that next April when God willing I do the napowrimo challenge again I’m better at my craft and I can inspire some of my fellow poets to do the challenge with me.
Life on the BPD 