lately I take the biggest bites out of life and flaunt it in front of everyone for too long I suppressed my hunger for experience, for adventure thought I was crazy for trying to explore my curious nature So instead I took small bites here and there thinking it be enough but it wasn’t who I was a little bird taking nips naw I’m a condor reading to pounce and satiate my hunger my big ass appetite ready to be satisfied with the unpleasant and pleasurable things in life
not even a year has passed and there’s an ocean between us desire and passion once shared evades us as we fall into an oblivion of obligations and routine
Copy and paste, copy and paste, copy and paste Partners, unhealthy love patterns, delusions of love it happens over and over again And I try my best to change this narrative and sometimes it seems to work but most of the time it was me denying what’s in front of me A man who treats me like his inferior Allowing him to step on my boundaries trying to keep myself small enough so he doesn’t leave and I’ve lost count of how many times this has happened to me And I’m fucking tired of it So I put a pause on love for a while Until I can figure out how to produce healthy love energy And ensure I don’t settle again for anyone who treats me less than the majestic and magical queen that I am
bomb of rage detonated and set off the angry woman takes over I watch as she villainizes, demonizes She can’t be stopped She burns bridges and laughs about it I hate her, I wish she didn’t exist she’s my shadow, my anger who’s built to protect me to grant me power when I feel powerless she’s a part of me who can’t be suppressed or ignored I learn to love her, give her attention she craves and in due time introspection and therapy happens and she’s finally integrated into me and she becomes my super power Me and her we’re a force of nature not to be fucked with
it’s the wild wild west inside my head it’s where my demons decide to come out to play they dance with traumatic memories making my fears and insecurities come out to the surface it’s the wild wild west inside my head being insane becomes my personality and aesthetic scaring away any potential love candidates it’s been a long time since I held someone’s hand much less been in someone’s bed It’s the wild wild went inside my head And I wonder when will the demons get tired and leave so maybe one day I’m not so jaded so maybe one day I give someone the chance to take me out on a date
it was another boring night at work I was stuck on aisle 10 between stocking and my racing thoughts a 90s dance song comes on the speaker and just when I’m about to sing I heard footsteps behind me I turned around and there he was- my favorite customer 5’10 ,curly black hair, full red lips and a body built by some Greek God he was looking at pots and pans I quickly turned my back to stock the tupperware and sneaked glances and admired him from afar hoped he didn’t notice me in my Kroger garb I looked like too much of hot mess to flirt but still my dead and jaded heart was resuscitated and my imagination took flight as fantasies of him surfaced to my mind and just as I’m imagined our first kiss he approached me, -OH NO! of course he asked for a specific type of pan we didn’t have I told him no and apologized in my best customer service voice and he told me “no worries” as his voice cracked and walked away quickly and I wondered, am I imagining things, or is he also attracted to me?
Shadows of past sorrows came to visit me tonight they were triggered by that Taylor swift song on vinyl I poured myself some Hennessy to cope made a toast to what could have beens as tears fall on my paper trying to understand the journey is sometimes shitty and full of nails I had to step to get here on the other side of madness and chaotic living Living life intentionally and no longer just for the moment
In bridging the gaps of my story that have remained unresolved every story, every poem leads to pieces of healing and closure I’ve been desperately search for since I can remember Whatever my child self , my teenage self couldn’t voice back then My middle age self brings to the surface and while at times it’s difficult and terrifying it’s needed in the process of healing and evolving
congelada en su familiaridad atrapada en la traición lenta de su cuerpo aburrimiento y soledad le abrazaban como un amante se ahoga en su sollozos y olvidada por casi todos sus seres queridos su mundo estancado en silencio hasta que lo vio con ojos chinitos y azules como ella y piel arrugada como las sabanas de amantes era una visión horrorosa pero para sus ojos cansados de ella era una explosion de alegría su última adoración su último suspiro de vida ella acababa con su aroma de pureza el comenzaba con el olor viejo de experiencia
take me on a tour of your utopia the one you always talk about the one where mental illness doesn’t exist and we all go to sleep without the need of meds and sleepytime tea the one where everyone is respected and being different is celebrated and not used as fodder for insults or war
hope is found in a lucid dream- It’s a whisper reminding me, “it won’t always be like this” it’s my abuela telling me “tu vida apenas está comenzando” and I wake from the fog of existential dread I’ve been feeling lately-
beast hurry up and come find me it’s been a year since I’ve been married two years since I had sex and three years since I’ve been in real relationship I’m a thirsty and horny yearning to break my vow of celibacy
I wash my hands of all my past sins my wrongs never defined me It was a toxic narrative I swallowed whole when I was addicted to suffering and being a martyr
for almost three years I’ve been waiting for the next guy to appear as some kind of hero, as some kind of reward for all of my effort I’ve put into myself and the life I’ve built Subconsciously I did this Even as I publicly roared about being empowered on my own I still wanted someone to be my sanctuary to lay my love in And I wrote, manifested, schemed, flirted got obsessed with men who were just meant to be friends Thinking, gosh, if I hang on long enough, he’ll come around this might work out but today I discovered the only hero for me is the woman in the mirror who still manages to get out of bed even on the bad days when she’s too tired to function when she’s exhausted by all of it
it’s the wild wild west inside my head it’s where my demons decide to come out to play they dance with traumatic memories making my fears and insecurities come out to the surface it’s the wild wild west inside my head being insane becomes my personality and aesthetic scaring away any potential love candidates it’s been a long time since I held someone’s hand much less been in someone’s bed It’s the wild wild went inside my head And I wonder when will the demons get tired and leave so maybe one day I’m not so jaded so maybe one day I give someone the chance to take me out on a date
Life on the BPD 