lately I try to be a bigger person but last night was different running into you when I’m at my hottest, when I embody the picture of an Incan goddess felt like sweet revenge, it felt like karma served to someone who made me feel small it felt like the universe smiled on me showing me once again how I am winning and that anyone who’s fucked with me will get what’s coming for them and while I did feel sad for you because of everything you went through I still felt like a queen, a goddess with confidence oozing from me compared to you who will never fit into the new me
sometime we lose our way and buy shit from Amazon we didn’t need
life is full of making mistakes and then regretting them It can’t happen any other way because to be human is to make mistakes to be human is a series of misadventures where sometimes we lose our way
Trapped in this self made prison- Trapped in what I thought was the American Dream /but in reality is the immigrant nightmare Trapped in my mom’s life Trapped under a heavy blanket of strength I continue to cloak myself in Trapped in a suburban hell of family and responsibilities Trapped because I wasn’t patient enough, wasn’t independent enough to build the life I truly wanted And instead settled for a mediocre one Trapped because of my fear of being lonely a fear that has chained me to a heavy present without any hope for the future
He came into my life on a cold february night- He decided to make a dramatic entrance on my 24th birthday He didn’t mean to steal my thunder as he tried to make his entrance-a month beforehand But fortunately the doctors stopped his almost too sudden arrival But that cold February night- was the right time for him I wanted to go the natural route but he had other plans with the horrible pain he caused EPIDURAL PLEASE-LIKE RIGHT NOW OR I DON’T KNOW HOW I’M GETTING THIS CHILD OUT Within minutes he was out and once again I was in love but this time with the life I created
me on my birthday last year, this heroine spent her birthday working…
I’m at year 42 and I’m only getting started on my heroine’s journey I’ve learned so much about myself and my toxic patterns in year 41 I understand now how my overreactions, my need to avoid conflict my need to please were all trauma responses learned from childhood where my emotions were never validated I now hold a world of knowledge, confidence, and power within me and on year 42, I ready to act like the badass Incan Queen I make myself out to be Except this year I’ll act out of love and compassion and not out of revenge and spite even when I’m pissed, angry at someone or at something I need to dig in deep and feel that grief instead of immediately throwing out accusations and blaming everyone but me Understand it’s me projecting my insecurities This year I’ll continue my heroine’s journey in healing and recovery but I’ll try to do it more with grace, with intent and compassion for myself and others I’ll cover myself in love from God, the universe, and my ancestors with all of that love act out of a pure and intentional energy that will continue to help grow and evolve
my favorite pair of shoes are my black combat boots. I bought them sometime in the summer of 2021 during an impulsive shopping spree. They’re taken me to live shows and they are what I wear every time I go to perform at a new open mic. I also wore them with my Harley Quinn outfit for Halloween of 2021. They’re also one of my most comfortable pair of shoes and they go with a lot of my outfits. I’ve worn them with dresses, jeans, and shorts. It’s a weird thing to say but I feel like these boots help build up my confidence at a time when I was feeling shitty about myself and now they’ve become a very important part of my aesthetic. Every time I wear these boots with my dress beige dress to work, my coworkers know I’m moody AF and tread carefully. I’ve also worn them on my plane trip to Peru last year. So yeah, they’ve taken me to my homeland and back. It was a bitch to take them off for the TSA checkpoint but it was worth it so my fit was right.
If only I could bypass the trauma lived and experienced my life would be a lot easier Perhaps I’d be fulfilled and not on this neverending heroine journey to acknowledge how trauma happened to me to understand how it changed me to tells the stories from it so I can begin to heal from it to do all of the work so I don’t pass it on to my sons and their children because this legacy of intergenerational silence with violence needs to stop with me even if it’s sometimes a painful nightmare to deal with
I look to the cards for reassurance things will turn out alright that I am doing all of the important things to light the flame to a bright future that my past is now behind me and I will no longer be chained to it that I’ll fully live in my present
I’m healing and unraveling at the same time I’m unraveling the parts of me that no longer fit in my new narrative I’m unraveling the ugliness, my vengeful spirit full of spite and jealousy talking to it, deconstructing it cause to live with so much anger and resentment in my heart is draining and leaves no room for lovely and hopeful beginnings
calling it a phobia of dating/relationships could be over dramatic but idk…it feels like that sometimes. It used to be so easy for me to just go from relationship to the next (sometimes without even ending the next relationship) until one day there was this final straw and I found myself with a shit ton of mental health issues and trauma I needed to address and heal from. If I had to be honest with myself at this point in my life, I don’t blame my past partners for this. I think that from my teenage years on, I’ve been following this pattern of falling into these unhealthy relationships and patterns. I realized this a few years ago after my diagnosis of BPD. I know I needed to do something so I just stopped dating or making myself available to anyone for romantic/sexual interest. It was hard and I always put these arbitrary deadlines on myself of when I would start again like, “oh after I beat my driving phobia” or “oh after I finish this round of therapy “or “oh, after I’m divorced” and those deadlines came and went and it just never happened. Every time I think about going on a first date with someone and that person would ask me something inconsequential like “what’s your favorite color?” I see myself going to the bathroom and throwing up and coming back with an excuse of how something came up with my kids (it”s great to have kids in this instance-they make very good excuses) and leaving the date. Until a few months ago, this used to make me sad and made me feel like a freak. But, lately, I’ve accepted that this is who I am now. With the level of awareness I have about myself now, I know what I need to be in control of my life, my autonomy, and my mental health and my Aquarius in Venus mind tells me that relationships seem to be make me lose control of all of those aspects.
How it feels like to lose control
Also, for the past few years, I’ve made sure to make my life full of everything I need to not feel like I need someone to fill some kind of void or space in my life. There’s basically no space or void like that now. My boys, my friends, my art, work, and my hobbies fill that space.
what would it take me to get me to date? Yung Gravy, Joji, or Jack Harlow sliding into my DMs. Lol. In all seriousness, I don’t know. I think I want to just enjoy my life as it is now . I will say that if somehow the stars do align and someone appears in my universe that strikes my fancy, then I wouldn’t be completely closed off to it.
Let’s goooo universe!!!
Too wild
On days like today, I feel too wild, too untamed to be loved, to be handled by anyone I feel like too much and I won’t find anyone who’s enough and I wonder if I’ll really be alone forever because right now that’s what my future looks like and it’s not me trying to diss any potential love candidates it’s me acknowledging how much of an earthquake, a hurricane, a tsunami I can be and even though I’ve done the work to tame my inner demons It still feels like there is still so much work left to do before I feel confident enough to invite anyone else into my chaos
3/9/23
Copy and paste
Copy and paste, copy and paste, copy and paste Partners, unhealthy love patterns, delusions of love it happens over and over again And I try my best to change this narrative and sometimes it seems to work but most of the time it was me denying what’s in front of me A man who treats me like his inferior Allowing him to step on my boundaries trying to keep myself small enough so he doesn’t leave and I’ve lost count of how many times this has happened to me And I’m fucking tired of it So I put a pause on love for a while Until I can figure out how to produce healthy love energy And ensure I don’t settle again for anyone who treats me less than the majestic and magical queen that I am
I’m proudest of the woman I became on Sept 8, 2023-my liberation day
I reflect a lot on who I was, who I am, and who I will be- and I’ve reach the conclusion that I’m proud of all three versions of me Constantly fighting my demons no matter how viciously they came after me Constantly reinventing and rebuilding myself even when the chaotic earthquakes of life broke me apart I reflect on the goddess, the beast in me who always refuses to give up who continues to get and keep going no matter how hard life tries to break me down
Consorting with this newfound empowerment is overwhelming and lonely at times I finally understand that never again do I have to depend on a man for anything- and I breathe a huge sigh of relief I no longer use them to determine my worth based on whether any of them pay attention to me I no longer use them for validation and no longer make myself small for their ego I now determined my own self worth and this is the moment I’ve been waiting for since the age of 15
no fuck you and your pedantic machismo- oh and PWM =privileged white male
I light a candle, put on music, and pay tribute to all that I will never be- it’s not like I’m denying myself possibilities or opportunities I’m just acknowledging certain realities I’ll never have the proper words, the necessary pretentious words of the upper class pedigree to be published in one of those prestigious journals or win a pulitzer prize I’ll never be seen as an equal in American because I’ll always be a foreigner and while this brings me a certain kind of grief I also celebrate how different I am I’ll never filter my words or fake eloquence or elegance to make myself digestible to those with multiple degrees Nah, I’m a mosaic masterpiece, with my bad grammar, my simple vocabulary and my powerful and emotionally charged phrases I’m not and never will be for those with sensitive ears or palettes and I’ll always take pride in that
