haven’t we all been pick me girls at the same point in our lives with our push up bras, our twirling the hair, our miniskirts, our not so subtle flirty behaviors it’s the ways the patriarchy conditioned as to be in order to find love, to find companionship in order to have a life worth living in a society that tends to value women according to who’s she’s holding hands with haven’t we all been pick me girls at some point in our lives have we all been brainwashed by the patriarchy?
My yen to better myself is has become an obsession causing me constant frustration being so self aware of my unhealthy patterns leads me to self flagellation Oh another poem about how I’m so toxic or I’m a perpetual love addict or I do everything wrong when it comes to love When will I reach a point of enough Enough with pointing out my faults Enough of feeling my self imposed emotional claws Enough of acting like I’m a monster and how I’m consumed by anger I know that healing means being self aware but there’s gotta be something on the other side of this constant despair
when I’m bothered, when I’m embarrassed, when my inner critic starts knocking on my mind’s door the best thing I can do is reapply my lipstick, write some angry señora poetry Remember the goddess that I am, and take my power back I’m not some stupid and weak little bitch some people perceive me to be (that narrative ended at age 40) now, I take the disrespect and insults with grace keep my composure, pretend I’m unbothered even as I fume inside I still keep on going I won’t make a big fuss or call anyone out that story usually ends with me being gaslit and called crazy instead I adhere to the age old adage “aqui no paso nada” Really being the opposite which is everything my anger, rage, grief being the fuel to become better to prove to myself and others I’m not the mentally unstable bitch society perceives me to be
pale petals fall on windy autumn day and brush against my skin it feels like a soft touch from my lover’s hand and I feel loved by nature I feel affection from the source it gives me butterflies to think of how much I’m loved and cared for by God
the bomb of my insanity explodes and I try my best to do damage control tell my paranoid inner child not everyone’s out to get me but it’s too late and I fall once again under the spell of depression I try every single coping mechanism and it’s futile I just need to sit and acknowledge my inner critic and the dark and intrusive thoughts that come up Understand and accept that shit is temporary there will be better times ahead for now it’s just annoying
love will have to wait while i switch the gears from survival mode to triunfadora mode right now I can only concentrate on existing and putting one foot in front of another right now I only have the energy and time to focus on myself and digging myself out of the latest catastrophe I find myself in right now is not the time for crushes or new relationships it wouldn’t be fair to him to invite him into my current chaos right now I stand alone, get myself together before trying to fall into the magic of love again
guilt and despair fills you up from the pain you’ve caused and you’re in the thick fog of darkness so you write poetry and cry and idealize death because in your time-therapy was still a new thing and the cure for your hysteria was a lobotomy and there was no such thing as DBT and no one to tell you that feelings are temporary
Give me a man who will buy me everything and I will accommodate to him- Because unlike JLo my love costs all the pretty things dresses, jewelry, vacations in the caribbean give it all to me and you can be my king because if I’m going to be treated like shit by a man in a relationship, at least let it be on a cruise ship
August is here and I hold onto the few slivers of hope left in me as I reach another rock bottom self correcting and not making myself a victim making sure I’m better than yesterday Trying my best to control my emotions knowing that somewhere in the wash of this downward spiral will come the biggest silver lining
I’m going to paint the sky with all of the colors of your love red, green, yellow, dark gray, midnight blue, and black every single color you’ve brought to my life it’s will be the most epic mural who beauty will rival the taj mahal a mural decided to my own miracle of your love
siempre Guerrera-Also Happy Peruvian Independence DAY!
I embrace the crone I’m becoming and let go of the last vestiges of girlhood no longer will I twirl my hair, bat my eyes, or make myself cute and soft for the male gaze trying to get their attention from now on I’ll accept my wrinkles, my aches, my gray hair, my crow’s feet as proof that I have lived and experienced a life few would’ve survived as proof that I am a goddamn Guerrera
wordpress prompt:If you won two free plane tickets, where would you go?
maybe I’ll take him, Idk
I want someone to take to oxapampa so I can show him where part of my story started so he can watch the sun rise and the sun set on my family’s farmland so I can experience joy through his eyes for the first time as he observes the beauty of the land So I can watch his face when he takes a sip for the first time of the world class beer 7 vidas so we can take tourist pics at the plaza and the church were my dad was baptized in dance the night and awkwardly laugh at the cultural appropriation of the Cheyenne Club so right after we end up at the Hakuna Matata karaoke bar when I sing “Lover” to him off key as he sits in his chair and cringes in embarrassment and tells me I’m crazy and everyone stares at us so we could have breakfast with my tia with the eggs, chorizo, coffee, and milk coming from the family farm as we all awkwardly make small talk about our plans for the day I want someone to take to oxapampa to hug trees, go on hikes in the jungle, and make love in some little cabin but I’ll have to wait and wait until the universe sends someone worthy of going the magical land of oxapampa
maybe I restarted the blog for a younger version of us out there in another state, another country who needs a roadmap, Understanding, knowledge, and wisdom in navigating a hard situation they never thought they had to face maybe I restarted the blog out of hope that some couple out there who’s struggling can find something useful in my story, in my prose, and my poetry to get through their own hardship through the worst of it and make it to the other side, evolve and grow together in intimacy and find their own happy ending
my energy is a precious commodity i don’t give it to anybody my time and effort now has to be earned because of so many false starts and lessons learned I’d rather embrace my solitude than once again Become Joe from “YOU” because I’m much to beautiful to fall for another insensitive fool
I’m not sure if I have to work as much as I Do but I know what happens when I don’t my electric bill goes in the red a food stamp application is filled and filed for me and my family I start to lose sleep over the bills and the things my kids need and when I fall into dreamland dreams of soup kitchens, panhandling, and scarcity follow me and I end up in the land of poverty, insanity and hypervigilance where I beat myself up for not doing enough to give my kids the life they deserve and I regret my life choices that led me here especially the one where I chose a lazy baby daddy I’m not sure if I have to work as much as I do but I’ll continue to do so until my body shuts down who cares if my hip is broken and I hardly have any time to myself I’d rather work myself to the bone than to allow my family to fall again into being victims of poverty
Life on the BPD 