I wrote this in June of 2002 when I was ghosting Ron. I was avoiding his phone calls and emails. I kept procrastinating on breaking up with him,
Forgiving myself is hard
My dear boyfriend Sorry for being a bitch You’ve probably noticed it’s you I ditch Sorry for being such a coward And being a big fat liar Sorry for not giving you the love you definitely deserved and never putting you first Sorry I wasn’t the “one” And being so wrong Sorry for waiting to break our ties And all of my sorry ass lies Sorry for never loving you And never giving you your value
I wrote this in May of 2002 about Lucas. I was missing him and feeling nostalgic about him. It was hard because while we were still keeping in touch via email, we hardly saw each other.
It’s almost always like that
I tried to escape the thought of you But it follows me wherever I go Your scent, your voice, your kiss Always remains fresh on my mind No matter how long it’s been Even if I try my hardest To live without you I somehow end up again Trapped in the caged memory that was your love
I wrote this poem in June of 2002 and almost 20 years later, I still have the same questions. Lol. At this point, I don’t know if I’ll ever know what romantic love and that’s okay. My life is filled with all kinds of different love that I’m not focused on finding romantic love or really care to.
if only
I want to write about love but do I really know what it is Is it a certain look? Or a certain action? Is it caring for someone’s happiness more than your own? Or is it being with the one that makes you crazy and your heart race with the sound of their voice? What is love?
I wrote this in 2002 about my coworker Lucas. This is a good example of the black and white thinking that happens with me when I’m in a relationship.
It’s always a war, I’m never the same after
You’re so close to me And impossible to reach You’re the one I want to be with And the one I want to run away from You’re my best dream And worst nightmare You’re my reason for my happiness And the epitome of my frustrations You give me a reason to live And a reason to leave this life You’re the first on my list And I’m the last on yours
I wrote this in 2002 fantasizing about the love and life I wanted. Poor 21 year old me, she was so damn naïve.
it’s a lesson in learning my worth
I’m looking forward to spending the rest of my life wrapped up in your arms I’m looking forward to newlywed bliss Having a little one with your gorgeous smile And in old age, sitting in our rocking chairs on the front porch I’m looking forward to petty arguments, responsibility, and bills What I’m looking forward to the most is to being your wife
I wrote this in January of 2002 about my married coworker Damon. When I have a crush on someone, I kind of use to get obsessed about them. It’s borderline Joe Goldberg vibes. Lol. I can’t tell if it was me having BPD or me being a normal20 year old.
that’s how I felt
So I look at you with my droopy lovesick eyes And talk to you with my schoolgirl crush voice Because that’s all I can ever do It can never go further than that Because you’re married to another And that’s something I’m obligated to respect The only thing left for me to do is to stay away from you maybe then my obsession Will slowly disappear
I wrote this in 2002. It was one of those moments when I was having one of those moments where my self esteem was high and I was like fuck love, I’m awesome by myself.
me in 2002 when I wrote this poem
She is not that woman who needs a man She alone fulfills her dreams Without him, her face still beamsme
She is not that beauty chick Who has all the men at her feet She’s got something else When the world of beauty fails
She is not that pushover girl Submissive with the golden curls She’s got her own mind Love is not worth her time
She is not that Ms.Prom Queen Who wants an engagement ring A husband she could care less about She’d rather not take that life route
I wrote this poem in 2001. I think that this poem was inspired by seeing what one of my family members was going through during their separation.
life is strange
Walking through this house so full in every single room are memories of you the living room where you held me the kitchen where we dined the bedroom we made love kind of hard to imagine all that is left, are pictures of you in my mind but I have to accept that this house will be empty and cold just like my heart since you left without saying goodbye
I wrote this in January of 2002 after I met my married coworker Lucas to who I became attracted to . I think I had just known him for a week but right away I became infatuated with him.
sometimes you can’t help who you’re attracted to
What am I doing? Longing and yearning For something that so obviously not meant to be What am I doing? Hoping and wishing that you’ll leave her soon so you’ll be my love king What am I doing? Allowing to lose myself Driving me to confess That there’s something I feel Maybe this time it’s for real
I’m not sure which ex I wrote this about but this is the general feeling I have when a relationship is going well. My anxiety goes up and I catastrophized. This was written in 2000.
I am scared That my heart will tear I am worried One day you’ll be sorry I’m so frightened It’s just a matter of when I am just tired After so many liars My mind is stuck Thinking you just want to fuck I am careful Trying to not end up a fool
I wrote this in 2001 about the great breakup of 2001. This is the last poem I wrote about this relationship. One of the aspects that I was hyper focused on during this breakup was being cheated on. Another reason, I flew into a rage was because “S” ex wife would not stop calling me after the breakup. It got to the point I had to change my phone number. She wasn’t exactly mean, I think she was trying to reach out as a fellow victim of “S” deception and wanted someone to process the pain with but I wanted no part of it. It felt too raw and painful for me at the time for me. And she wasn’t the only that called me about “S” cheating on me, there had been another chick by the name of Mariah. Also, the other part was that me and “S” communicated via email after the breakup for a few days just to fight about everything and place blame on each other. Emotions were really high not just on my part but for everyone involved. Also, this situation brought up triggers from my previous relationship with Paul. There are the reasons I went into a rage and ended up writing more than 40 poems about a 6 week long relationship.Reflecting on this now at 40, I can honestly say that I did process and heal from that breakup when it happened. I mean I did write like more than 40 poems about but maybe it’s what I needed to do at the time. I also don’t hold a grudge about “S” or his ex or anyone involved. Everyone was in their early 20s and we were all trying to do our best at that time and maybe our best looks shitty to other people.
maybe we were all counterfeits
You two were made for each other Like the sun was made to be hot To you I was just another toy To play with, But once the newness wore off You decided to go back to Your old comfortable teddy bear Unfortunately old habits are hard to break
I hope you know that YOU really shouldn’t think about dating me unless you want me to write loads and loads of sad and angry breakup poetry about you once you leave. Just kidding. Maybe. LMAO Anyways, here is another salty poem about the great breakup of 2001.
I hope you know you made a mistake The day you decided to go astray You have just lost the best thing It’ll get under your skin And you will one day regret The day you decided to forget It was just supposed to be about me and you And you’ll feel like such a damn fool For I’ll never let you walk back into my life Knowing you made love to me with your disgusting lies I hope you’re miserable with her and karma comes for you and her and for me you’ll just be another nightmare
I wrote this in December 2001 after seeing my ex “S” from the “great breakup of 2001”. I saw him at mall while I was shopping. I remember not being able to breathe and having to get out of there.
forgiveness is hard
I was minding my own business when I came upon your ugly face I started right away to get restless Thinking how you had been such a fucking waste I hope you didn’t notice How I had forgotten to breathe How the memory of your kiss Came back to me That’s when I had to turn around and leave
I wish I could’ve spent more time picking up a hobby than writing all of this salty poetry about this dude. LMAO. This is of course another poem inspired by the “great breakup of 2001”.
I wish I could Forget all of you And take back the time Spent loving you I wish I could make you see All of the misery you caused me I wish I could make you feel My pain that is so extremely real I wish I could see you hurting It would be something I would take comfort in I wish I could just not care But life isn’t always fair
Life on the BPD 