I wrote this in January of 2002 after I met my married coworker Lucas to who I became attracted to . I think I had just known him for a week but right away I became infatuated with him.
What am I doing?
Longing and yearning
For something that so obviously
not meant to be
What am I doing?
Hoping and wishing
that you’ll leave her soon
so you’ll be my love king
What am I doing?
Allowing to lose myself
Driving me to confess
That there’s something I feel
Maybe this time it’s for real
I’m not sure which ex I wrote this about but this is the general feeling I have when a relationship is going well. My anxiety goes up and I catastrophized. This was written in 2000.
I am scared
That my heart will tear
I am worried
One day you’ll be sorry
I’m so frightened
It’s just a matter of when
I am just tired
After so many liars
My mind is stuck
Thinking you just want to fuck
I am careful
Trying to not end up a fool
I wrote this in 2001 about the great breakup of 2001. This is the last poem I wrote about this relationship. One of the aspects that I was hyper focused on during this breakup was being cheated on. Another reason, I flew into a rage was because “S” ex wife would not stop calling me after the breakup. It got to the point I had to change my phone number. She wasn’t exactly mean, I think she was trying to reach out as a fellow victim of “S” deception and wanted someone to process the pain with but I wanted no part of it. It felt too raw and painful for me at the time for me. And she wasn’t the only that called me about “S” cheating on me, there had been another chick by the name of Mariah. Also, the other part was that me and “S” communicated via email after the breakup for a few days just to fight about everything and place blame on each other. Emotions were really high not just on my part but for everyone involved. Also, this situation brought up triggers from my previous relationship with Paul. There are the reasons I went into a rage and ended up writing more than 40 poems about a 6 week long relationship. Reflecting on this now at 40, I can honestly say that I did process and heal from that breakup when it happened. I mean I did write like more than 40 poems about but maybe it’s what I needed to do at the time. I also don’t hold a grudge about “S” or his ex or anyone involved. Everyone was in their early 20s and we were all trying to do our best at that time and maybe our best looks shitty to other people.
You two were made for each other
Like the sun was made to be hot
To you I was just another toy
To play with,
But once the newness wore off
You decided to go back to
Your old comfortable teddy bear
Unfortunately old habits
are hard to break
I hope you know that YOU really shouldn’t think about dating me unless you want me to write loads and loads of sad and angry breakup poetry about you once you leave. Just kidding. Maybe. LMAO Anyways, here is another salty poem about the great breakup of 2001.
I hope you know you made a mistake
The day you decided to go astray
You have just lost the best thing
It’ll get under your skin
And you will one day regret
The day you decided to forget
It was just supposed to be about me and you
And you’ll feel like such a damn fool
For I’ll never let you walk back into my life
Knowing you made love to me with your disgusting lies
I hope you’re miserable with her
and karma comes for you and her
and for me you’ll just be another nightmare
I wrote this in December 2001 after seeing my ex “S” from the “great breakup of 2001”. I saw him at mall while I was shopping. I remember not being able to breathe and having to get out of there.
I was minding my own business
when I came upon your ugly face
I started right away to get restless
Thinking how you had been such a fucking waste
I hope you didn’t notice
How I had forgotten to breathe
How the memory of your kiss
Came back to me
That’s when I had to turn around and leave
I wish I could’ve spent more time picking up a hobby than writing all of this salty poetry about this dude. LMAO. This is of course another poem inspired by the “great breakup of 2001”.
I wish I could
Forget all of you
And take back the time
Spent loving you
I wish I could make you see
All of the misery you caused me
I wish I could make you feel
My pain that is so extremely real
I wish I could see you hurting
It would be something I would take comfort in
I wish I could just not care
But life isn’t always fair
I wrote this in 2001 about the great breakup. Looking back at this I almost BUT I’m glad that at the time I was resourceful enough to turn to write poetry instead of doing more self destructive things. My favorite phrase from my 20 year old self is “low scum ho”. Damn, I was salty. LMAO.
Thank you for letting me know
I was with some low scum ho
Thank you for making me see
He was just using you and me
Thank you for making me realize
My lover was just telling me lies
Thank you for driving me into this misery
I really thought he cared for only me
But most of all,
Thank you for taking this burden off me
he didn’t deserve someone as good as me
Another poem written about the great breakup of 2001. This is a great example of my black and white thinking that comes with having BPD. LMAO.
I thought you were kind
I never thought you would destroy after a short time
I thought you loved me
I never thought you would betray me
I thought we were meant to be
I never thought you would cheat on me
I thought I was the only one you cared about
I never thought lying was what you were about
I thought you were my dream come true
I never thought you weren’t being true
I thought I could put my trust in you
I never thought you would make me so blue
I wrote this about my friend Sam after I found out that he tried to sleep with my sister. I was furious after this happened but it was also kind of funny. So Sam put the moves on my poor recently separated and vulnerable sister. Well–according to my sister, when they were getting to the good part, his equipment wouldn’t work. At all. Haha. This is the last of the poems about Sam. He does make an appearance in my life in either 2018 or 2019 when I looked him up on Facebook and impulsively messaged him. Surprisingly, he responded but nothing came of it. I think that while the idea of him seemed nice, putting that much effort again into a former fuckboy didn’t feel worth it all.
I thought you should be told
that you are a pathetic asshole
You will never go anywhere
By not playing fair
You have no fucking respect
I wish we had never met
How could you lie to me?
Can’t you see
I thought we were friends
But now you’ve become my fiend
I hope I never hear your fucking voice
Or see your fucking face
I wish you unhappiness
and many years of misery
I wrote this in 2000 about Sam. He was my FWB for over year and of course I developed feelings for him. I also felt guilt and shame because I was the “other woman” during that entire time. I also kept sleeping with him even though I was suppose to be a few “monogamous” relationships during that time. Maybe that’s why I have trust issues. I know how shitty and dishonest people can be because I’ve been shitty and dishonest myself. I also have this habit for falling for people I have no business falling for.
My friend Sam
I like having you as my special friend
I like it when we get together
and we have wild and crazy sex
You make me feel better than when I’m with him
I suppose that it’s because it’s just sex
The more I’m with you, the more i look into that beautiful ocean
I call your eyes, the more I hear the achy familiar sound of your voice when you answer the phone,the more tender kisses you give me all over, I’m falling in a dangerous
Situation here, the lust that I’m suppose to be feeling for you is now falling into this deeper emotion called love
I’m sorry, I know it wasn’t supposed to happen
I know that you belong to another and I know she’s the one you love
and to you I’m nothing more than a warm body to warm you up at your convenience
This is why I have to leave you my special friend Sam
I can’t stand hearing your heys of feeling your tender kisses all over my body and just tonight I’m all yours but tomorrow forget I ever existed in your life
With this my friend
I say goodbye and I hope you live happily ever after with the love of your life
I wrote this poem in 2001. It’s another poem about the “great breakup” of 2001. I think part of the reason I took that breakup so hard was that I had idealized that relationship thinking finally I found the one. Lol. I was just really tired of jumping into relationships time after time and them not working out.
I thought I was the only one
in your heart
I never thought that the time would come
when you’d say “It’s time we part”
It never crossed my mind
that there was somebody else
I always thought you were only mine
I thought we had more time
I wrote this in 2002 when I was stressed out with things going on in my personal life and at work. Everything felt so overwhelming at the time. It was exhausting and stressful trying to balance everything and everyone in my life and this would be a theme that would continually show up in my life.
I’m so tired of all of this crap
I’m ready to give up
And stop playing whatever
this game is called
My eyes are so sleepy
And my body aches to rest
What good comes out of anything
is tarnished by impulsive desires
Nothing is pure or sacred anymore
Your friends are also your worst enemies
Your lovers are also the ones
that make you miserable
Something has to be figured
Because I can’t keep playing this game
This way, no more
I wrote this in 1998 when I was pregnant. I was kind of denial at the time but also knew what was happening. It was a weird and traumatic time in my life. I was barely 17 and coming to grips to how drastically my life would change. I will say that after 23 years, my son’s birth was definitely a trauma turned into triumph. I don’t think I knew what real love was until I had him.
I can’t concentrate
knowing my fate
I’d rather die
Than having to keep up this lie
I’m gaining weight
And my period’s 3 months late
I’m having cravings
Pretty soon everyone is going to be staring
I don’t know how to cope
I’m starting to lose all hope
I don’t wanna live anymore
I feel like I have nothing to live for
What am I to do?
Where or whom do I go to?
My life is ruined
All this, just by letting him in
I wrote this in 1997 about my ex James. I was pissed and super salty as you can tell. This poem is me fantasizing Karma got back to him one day. This poem is full of that great anger I feel when men are jerks to me.
You were such a cad
and that makes me so sad
You give women so much crap
Just to get them in the sack
You give them so much pressure
Just so they can give you pleasure
You never know how they feel
After you made your kill
You didn’t care
And thought it was fair
To use them to satisfy your primal thirst
Never thinking one of them would make a big fuss
Now you spend your life in bed
Having to be fed
How ironic it is
Just cause you had to add one more to your list
Life on the BPD 