I fall in love and obsessed over these concepts over who I should be, over who I should love, over who I should mirror I read and read books on BPD, mental health, and trauma constantly I take advice from influencers, poets, and psychologists on social media Seriously thinking this is how I heal, this is how I become healthy but that’s a lie- while everything I do helps me I need to listen to my intuition more I need to trust myself more and acknowledge I’m doing enough and come to an understanding I am on my heroine’s journey that’s unique only to me honor my truth within me, accept it, and that’s how I begin to really heal
my favorite pair of shoes are my black combat boots. I bought them sometime in the summer of 2021 during an impulsive shopping spree. They’re taken me to live shows and they are what I wear every time I go to perform at a new open mic. I also wore them with my Harley Quinn outfit for Halloween of 2021. They’re also one of my most comfortable pair of shoes and they go with a lot of my outfits. I’ve worn them with dresses, jeans, and shorts. It’s a weird thing to say but I feel like these boots help build up my confidence at a time when I was feeling shitty about myself and now they’ve become a very important part of my aesthetic. Every time I wear these boots with my dress beige dress to work, my coworkers know I’m moody AF and tread carefully. I’ve also worn them on my plane trip to Peru last year. So yeah, they’ve taken me to my homeland and back. It was a bitch to take them off for the TSA checkpoint but it was worth it so my fit was right.
One day you’ll be a bad dream I’ll wake up from One day someone will come along and you’ll be a distant memory of an intense and toxic past who took over my life for a while One day I’ll be loved by someone the way you could never love me One day I’ll look back on our time together and regret every moment wasted on you One day you won’t haunt my soul and mind One day you will no longer be my muse One day is here, now and forever
If only I could bypass the trauma lived and experienced my life would be a lot easier Perhaps I’d be fulfilled and not on this neverending heroine journey to acknowledge how trauma happened to me to understand how it changed me to tells the stories from it so I can begin to heal from it to do all of the work so I don’t pass it on to my sons and their children because this legacy of intergenerational silence with violence needs to stop with me even if it’s sometimes a painful nightmare to deal with
I love you like the alcoholic loves alcohol I can’t live without you And have a deep never ending desire for you when the sun rises you’re my first thought and before I fall asleep, you’re my last thought I don’t know if you’ll ever reciprocate but for now I’m content with seeing you almost Daily-admiring you from afar
I look to the cards for reassurance things will turn out alright that I am doing all of the important things to light the flame to a bright future that my past is now behind me and I will no longer be chained to it that I’ll fully live in my present
I’m proudest of the woman I became on Sept 8, 2023-my liberation day
I reflect a lot on who I was, who I am, and who I will be- and I’ve reach the conclusion that I’m proud of all three versions of me Constantly fighting my demons no matter how viciously they came after me Constantly reinventing and rebuilding myself even when the chaotic earthquakes of life broke me apart I reflect on the goddess, the beast in me who always refuses to give up who continues to get and keep going no matter how hard life tries to break me down
reopening my pandora’s of trauma makes me tear the old version of me apart makes me revisit parts of myself I’d rather forget and makes me angry at how my insanity was enabled I know I should be compassionate, I know I should understand that the past can no longer hurt me but -oh-every time I open that pandora’s box of trauma the fire of self loathing and rage threatens to consume me and while I could leave that pandora’s box closed- I have no choice but to open it over and over again it’s one of the most important parts of my story Emotional scars need to be ripped open and analyzed to heal and make sense of who I am now
se que en las mejores relaciones hay monotonía pero lo que estamos viviendo me llena de ira me esta volviendo loca, esto se siento como el fin de nuestro cuento de amor y los dos somos demasiados cobardes para aceptar que la vida que hemos construida se está volviendo una montaña de resentimiento y desilusión donde estamos atrapados por conveniencia
Consorting with this newfound empowerment is overwhelming and lonely at times I finally understand that never again do I have to depend on a man for anything- and I breathe a huge sigh of relief I no longer use them to determine my worth based on whether any of them pay attention to me I no longer use them for validation and no longer make myself small for their ego I now determined my own self worth and this is the moment I’ve been waiting for since the age of 15
no fuck you and your pedantic machismo- oh and PWM =privileged white male
I light a candle, put on music, and pay tribute to all that I will never be- it’s not like I’m denying myself possibilities or opportunities I’m just acknowledging certain realities I’ll never have the proper words, the necessary pretentious words of the upper class pedigree to be published in one of those prestigious journals or win a pulitzer prize I’ll never be seen as an equal in American because I’ll always be a foreigner and while this brings me a certain kind of grief I also celebrate how different I am I’ll never filter my words or fake eloquence or elegance to make myself digestible to those with multiple degrees Nah, I’m a mosaic masterpiece, with my bad grammar, my simple vocabulary and my powerful and emotionally charged phrases I’m not and never will be for those with sensitive ears or palettes and I’ll always take pride in that
I think one of the best things about having a family of your own is making up your own traditions. One of my favorite traditions I have with my boys is watching “About a Boy” every Thanksgiving while we wait for dinner or afterwards. I started this tradition in 2008 when my oldest was 10 and my middle son was 3. The first time we watched it we had just moved into our new place and me and their dad hadn’t gotten around to getting internet and hardly had any furniture so we had to make do with the DVDs we had on hand to entertain the boys. For whatever reason, we watched that movie a few times. I remember watching it for the first time with my boys and all of these questions about mental health my then 3 year old had and how concerned he was for the mom in the movie. It was just such a sweet moment for me. A couple of years ago, my oldest son gave me the blu-ray dvd version of the movie to upgrade it from my old DVD copy. I love the message in the movie about how “no man is an island” and we all need community from friends and family to make life enjoyable and worth living.
me and my birthday twin throughout the years…
My other favorite tradition involves me and my middle son. I had him on my 24th birthday so we are birthday twins. When our birthday week rolls around, I decide to get desserts almost every day of the week for me and him to celebrate. Sometimes, we do share with our other family members when we feel like it. I started this tradition 4 years ago. We also always get two different cakes of our choice for our actual birthdays. I plan to keep this tradition around as long as he lives with me and/or lives close to me.
so I actually wrote this poem in December of 2022 after I got sick with COVID. This poem was actually inspired by the 2005 poem, “Here we again”- I was editing it to post it on instagram and something about it screamed turn into a poem about your ailment and this is what I ended with. God, my mind was extra crazy with COVID brain. lol.
Another unexpected surprise confirmed with the second pink line Is this Karma coming for me? for wishing this on my enemies this puts a pause on my life for a few days and I lay in bed in a fever haze soon I lose my sense of smell and taste I’m humbled and make a promise to the universe I’ll be more careful with my words and stop giving into my rancor
Cry in front of me and show me your vulnerable side I won’t run away or shame you for sharing your pain I understand what it’s like to be left alone when you start to drown in your emotions and you reach for someone and that person turns you away I will never be that callous when I say you can be safe with me, I really mean it
if I had a pet, I would want them to understand how to pose for the camera. My kids learned real quick and were posing by the time they were 4 to 5 months old. Also, this seems like silly prompt but whatever I’m answering it only cause I promised myself to answer every prompt on wordpress this month.
Life on the BPD 