does a scorpion sting when fighting back? -Taylor Swift
I overthink, I overthink and I overthink and my head hurts from so much anxiety Society puts so much pressure on me to be nice, to be pretty to be kind, to be smart the stress is tearing me apart but slowly I start to breathe and the pressure starts to decrease I change the narrative And stop with listening to my inner critic Fuck societal expectations so what if I’m an aberration the only person who determines my identity is me not you, not him,not my parents and not society
I look calm but inside of me lies the heart of a leona
my protective instinct rings loudly in me I will protect everyone I love no matter what even if I have to die for them to be safe even if I have to leave them alone for them to have peace of mind their well being means everything to me inside of me lies the heart of a lioness ready to roar ready to protect everyone she loves
the freedom and independence in my son brings me a sense of pride with so much happiness I see his fiery spirit shine from within and his light is so bright- I know I’ve done something right he’s not afraid to take risks, he’s not afraid of failure He’s not afraid to be himself and I breathe a sense of relief he will not bear the sense of forced obligations or burden of expectations I had- instead he’ll make himself and his happiness a priority above all else while still caring for humanity it’s the beginning of breaking a generational curse of obedient and silent martyrdom that’s been inherited for generations
we all fuck up from time to time and have to remind ourselves we are not our worst mistakes, our terrible breakups, or our emotional relapses to be human is to make mistakes and sometimes those mistakes will feel catastrophic and that’s when your inner critic with the help of shame and guilt will step in trying to make you feel like a piece of shit, worthless and useless when it comes to everything acknowledge it, honor it if you have to but don’t get stuck in it because this is not the entirety of you this is just a small fraction of your being- don’t get caught up in the worst of yourself- remind yourself of your strength and the gifts that you bring into this world
this poem is inspired by a poem I wrote in 2006 about my first baby daddy.
he turned out just fine
He turned out fine without you in his life I understand now that it was for the best that you weren’t a part of his story I no longer hold resentment for you your replacement taught him all of the important things how to shave, how to drive compassion and kindness your replacement still checks up on him even though he’s a grown your replacement was never called Dad but your replacement is the only father he’s ever known
this bitch has had more transformations than she cares to remember
My story is important to share, it’s important to write down but I don’t want to do it from a place of anger, revenge, or ego It’s strange to say this because for the past 5 years Anger has been my major inspiration and motivation to feed the narrative of how everyone has been a villain and I’ve been a victim It gave me a sense of martyrdom that allowed me to find peace for a while acting like everyone is a problem While I just flounder around being wronged And while I have so much compassion and love for this version of me It’s not who I want to continue to be It’s not how I want to be perceived because I’m more than being angry and vindictive I’m also kindness, goodness, empathy, and love And when I share my story-I need to remember these things
and if they don’t heed my warning, I’ll be here for them and get revenge for them
I warn my sons about falling in love with poets and writers I try to dissuade them from it They’ll use any insensitive comment you ever made into a salty verse dripped with not so subtle insults They’ll use your most intimate moments as metaphors for heaven or earthquakes They’ll describe you as God or the Devil depending on how you left them They’ll make you a villain in their stories or worst, the hero in them And the worst part- They’ll make you way bigger in their mind than you ever wanted to be so , I plead with you, fall in love with a boring accountant or a teacher or even a lawyer You’ll avoid the stress of being someone’s inspiration, someone’s muse and the chaos and drama that comes along with it
One was born in the beginning of the 20th century the other was born in the beginning of the 21st century one was born out of unplanned wedlock one was a planned product of his parent’s love one was taught hatred for blacks and cholos the other was taught blacks lives matter and equality for everyone one had misogynistic tendencies thanks to his machismo culture the other other is that gender roles and conventions are a joke One went through the Spanish flu times the other is going through Covid times both shares similar genes generations apart both share the same Spanish name one could not been possible without the other
If only I could bypass the trauma lived and experienced my life would be a lot easier Perhaps I’d be fulfilled and not on this neverending heroine journey to acknowledge how trauma happened to me to understand how it changed me to tells the stories from it so I can begin to heal from it to do all of the work so I don’t pass it on to my sons and their children because this legacy of intergenerational silence with violence needs to stop with me even if it’s sometimes a painful nightmare to deal with
se que en las mejores relaciones hay monotonía pero lo que estamos viviendo me llena de ira me esta volviendo loca, esto se siento como el fin de nuestro cuento de amor y los dos somos demasiados cobardes para aceptar que la vida que hemos construida se está volviendo una montaña de resentimiento y desilusión donde estamos atrapados por conveniencia
I think one of the best things about having a family of your own is making up your own traditions. One of my favorite traditions I have with my boys is watching “About a Boy” every Thanksgiving while we wait for dinner or afterwards. I started this tradition in 2008 when my oldest was 10 and my middle son was 3. The first time we watched it we had just moved into our new place and me and their dad hadn’t gotten around to getting internet and hardly had any furniture so we had to make do with the DVDs we had on hand to entertain the boys. For whatever reason, we watched that movie a few times. I remember watching it for the first time with my boys and all of these questions about mental health my then 3 year old had and how concerned he was for the mom in the movie. It was just such a sweet moment for me. A couple of years ago, my oldest son gave me the blu-ray dvd version of the movie to upgrade it from my old DVD copy. I love the message in the movie about how “no man is an island” and we all need community from friends and family to make life enjoyable and worth living.
me and my birthday twin throughout the years…
My other favorite tradition involves me and my middle son. I had him on my 24th birthday so we are birthday twins. When our birthday week rolls around, I decide to get desserts almost every day of the week for me and him to celebrate. Sometimes, we do share with our other family members when we feel like it. I started this tradition 4 years ago. We also always get two different cakes of our choice for our actual birthdays. I plan to keep this tradition around as long as he lives with me and/or lives close to me.
Life on the BPD 