I wrote this poem in February of this year inspired by my oldest son.
me and my oldest son in March of this year
the guilt visits me over the mother I should have been I should have been older, wiser, married but instead you ended up with an immature teen mom who read you Stephen King instead of fairy tales who played you Matchbox Twenty instead of lullabies who wore you on my hip like a new fashion accessory who missed the signs early on that you were different because I was too self absorbed looking for love but what’s done can’t be undone- I hope one day you understand I did the best I could with what I had
I let go of control over what I can’t change and allow the source to do what’s best for me because faith has always shone a light in me because I’ve never felt alone because of her she has the power to transform, she provides the hope for me to go on as I walk towards self worth, confidence and empowerment in my heroine’s journey
I’d rather be berated and hated than ignored and treated with indifference call me a lunatic, call me a bitch call me the worst mistake of your life JUST CALL ME ANYTHING! Then I’ll know I won because I’ve imprinted on your memory
nothing ever happens to my exes after they leave- they don’t blink, they don’t flinch, they don’t need therapy and I’m so incredibly jealous of that! They’re carefree and without any feelings- Absconding without blame or any responsibility While I’m left in a spiral of shame and regret and many times losing my sanity How many more mental breakdowns will I have before accepting= love is always a dangerous game for me- no matter how casual and detached I try to be my nature will always be to give, give, give Until I lose parts of my identity Maybe this is how I keep attracting narcissists?
Sex is a work of art if you are in love- Two bodies entwined in a collaborative rhythm Two bodies matching energies that derive a great pleasure It presents a beautiful picture of ecstasy Anything else is just a mediocre sketch
Halfway through 41, I am truly alone no potential love candidates and sometimes the loneliness threatens to kill my soul- But I know better than to suffer through another deception so I process all of my feelings through poetry Hoping it’s enough to keep the romantic in me from making another mistake
Let’s go to war with ourselves and speak our truth and heal unprocessed trauma within and face our fear and insecurities we’ll walk out with confidence and feel empowered We’ll leave with versions of ourselves ready to reach our full potential and ready to love
I finally read a book I felt seen in I finally read a book that didn’t make a Latina a side character, a vixen or a maid I finally read a book that addressed the complexity of the intersectionality of an American Latina’s identity I finally read a book that changed my life
I plan my goals according to what I want to achieve and what will bring fulfillment and joy to my life. I keep a google doc of lifetime goals with lofty goals like owning property in the U.S and Peru and traveling to all 7 continents. Here’s a preview of it:
Get published in more online or print publications I will get a translation certification from Arizona University My Spanish will be more fluent than ever I will go to Oxapampa-4/2/2023 (goal accomplished, yay ME!) Travel to Asia Own property in Peru (preferably in Oxapampa -a house with farmland) Travel to Mexico (Frida Kahlo’s house) Go to Montgomery, Alabama-Zelda Fitzgerald’s house
I also have a short term goal list I make every year but also continue to revise them every time I start a new journal. Here’s a preview of it:
Improve on my craft
Improve my credit score
Budget way better (no take out, no amazon, no impulsive spending)
Limit drinking alcohol
Get a better second job or get a first job that pays me way more
Don’t get on stupid dating apps until after July 15th 2023-still not on any of them, yay me!
Don’t date -killing it by living a chaste life -8/18/2023
I want to add that I’m very intentional with my goals and when I start to feel stuck or stagnated in my life, I will revisit them and see which goals I’ve achieved and making progress on and which ones I need to work on. I think that having goals have given my life purpose and keeps me moving forward. Some years have harder than others to set goal, I remember in 2019 I had two goals: survive 2019, have more compassion for myself. So really, it doesn’t matter how many goals you have or what kind of goals they are, the only thing that matters is that they help you evolve and bring fulfillment to your life.
fuistes la luz más brillante en mi universo de amor quizás por eso pasan los años y no llegó a olvidarte quizás por eso siempre regreso a ti para que me acuerde que el amor no siempre es una mierda que se repite cada vez que me enamoro
Life on the BPD 