My last year in my 30s ended up with me being an essential worker during a pandemic while being a mom of three and being involved in two different romantic liaisons. I could look back on what I have not accomplished in my life and be sad but instead I’ll focus on my growth and my goals for the next year. I’ve made a lot of progress this year both financially and personally. I’ve improved my credit score by 100 points by working 2 jobs and paying debt off. Also for the first time in my adult life I’m in a healthy romantic relationship with a wonderful man. This time last year I didn’t think either was possible and at times I don’t feel like I deserve all of the good fortune in my life. As I look forward to my next year and my new decade, I hope to really focus on becoming a confident driver, submit my writing everywhere and try to get published, and continue to work my two jobs to save up to buy 2 houses. I’m kind of excited for how the next decade looks like. My thirties taught me I can survive what I once thought would not be survivable. During my thirties, I felt myself merely surviving. In this next decade, I look forward to thriving.
I wrote this in February 2002 about my first baby daddy. He had started to be in contact with when he got the child support order. I obviously had a lot of residual resentment and trauma and blamed him for losing part of adolescence.
monsters that leave you with trauma
She was the girl you left behind with nothing but a baby and a desperate hope to keep her alive
She was innocent, naive, and untouched until the night she fell into your sexy scent, your empowering embrace, and a world full of promises She trusted, believed, and dreamed
Thanks to your unexpected departure that naive girl you left behind blossomed into a woman of depth, strength and wisdom beyond her 21 years She will lust but she can’t ever love She wants to trust but finds herself full of doubt She wishes to fill herself with guilt and morals but has learned to have no scruples
So don’t try to come back and expect her to believe in your crocodile tears or your most insincere apologies that girl you left behind Grew up into a woman at a surreal speed thanks to you
On July 27th, 2010 I was in the room with the ultrasound tech and she put the gel on my belly. I was there to hear the sound of my baby’s heartbeat for the first time. I had waited a whole two weeks to hear it since I had booked the appointment. My boyfriend had dropped me off at the doctor. I was alone and the anticipation was killing me. The ultrasound tech was moving the wand every which way and had this weird look on her face. I asked her if everything was okay. She told me, “I really need to get the doctor”. I pleaded with her to tell me what was wrong. And she said, “I can’t find the heartbeat” I was in shock and numb. Then she told me to go out to the waiting room and the Dr would come get me. I remember how the waiting room was full of pregnant women and I started to sob hysterically. Thankfully a receptionist took pity on me and took me to another sparsely populated area. The Dr came and got me and told me the embryo stopped growing at 8 weeks and I was supposed to be 10 weeks along. She showed me the ultrasound. She also gave me a choice -either a D&C or let the miscarriage come naturally. I had just started a job in June and hadn’t accumulated much sick leave so I opted to have the D&C. I had all of these feelings of shame and guilt because I had seriously thought about terminating the pregnancy and I wondered if I had wished it true. I felt guilty because I had gotten blackout drunk a day before finding out I was pregnant. Also, I felt like a failure because my body had not done what it was supposed to do. I felt like somehow I deserved all of this pain and that God was punishing me. Getting through the rest of that day and putting up my facade of strength and having to tell my 2 kids along with other family members and friends was horrible.
The next morning I went to have a D&C and I woke up crying from the procedure. The nurse that was next to me told me that everything happens for a reason and to trust God. “Everything happens for a reason” and “Trust in GOD” and “It wasn’t the right time” would be among the few sayings that I would get from well meaning friends, family, and co-workers. I buried my grief in exercising and eating healthy irrationally believing that it was my body’s fault that I had the miscarriage. It didn’t help that my boyfriend was kind of blaming me as well because of that whole blackout drunk incident early in the pregnancy. Even though the logic in my head told me that pregnancy loss is a common occurrence that happens to 1 in 4 women with no real rhyme or reason for most of those pregnancies;my irrational thoughts took over for a bit. What helped me through the grief other than exercising was joining a support group and being able to process that grief and feel validated in my feelings with other people that had experienced the same thing. An experience like this changes you in a way that you remember who you were before the experience and after it. Obviously I’ve healed from that experience but I still experience some sadness on that day. One interesting thing that happened 3 years ago when I came to work on July 27 was that there was a random “Happy Birthday” balloon by the entrance of my office building. I took it as a positive sign from the universe.
I share this story because it is important to fight the stigma associated with pregnancy loss. It is also important for others to feel like they can share their stories without being judged.
I wrote this poem 2002 and it was yet another poem inspired by the bio dad of my oldest child. For many years. I had so much unresolved rage and anger about how he abandoned my son and used poetry as a way to process it.
So last week, I started a second job at Kroger and I’m excited about it. I feel that with this job my life will finally start moving forward. My end goal is to be financially independent from my husband so I can separate from him. I know that sounds harsh but it’s been over between us for a while. I know that it will be hard trying to work anywhere from 60 to 70 hours a week but sometimes in America, you need a second job to move forward in life. I follow the examples from my hard working immigrant parents who have set this precedent for me. I’m tired of struggling and just getting by. These are my goals:
1) My first goal is to pay off debt I accumulated during my great depression of 2016 and 2017 . 2) My second goal is to build my credit score enough to get approved for a used car loan. Right now we only have one car and it’s rough.
3) Save up for a down payment for a car.
I know that I’m sacrificing time with my kids but since they’re older, they understand. Also, they deserve better than what we’ve been giving them and it’s up to me to take that initiative. This is part of my plan to make my life better for me and my kids. We’ll see how it goes.
The last few months of 2017 have been a roller coaster of a ride from 3 job changes within a month to issues with my middle son. However one of the good things that happened was landing my current job in October of this year. I’m an administrative assistant for public health. Through this I was introduced to the keto low carb diet. I want to clarify that while the diet was highly recommended and there is a workplace wellness program for it; no employee is ever forced to do it. I researched it ,prepped my meals and started doing the diet since October 16, 2017 and have gained already a few benefits like 11 pounds lost,loads of energy, and becoming super aware of the harmful processed foods I have been eating all of my life. I hadn’t had my labs drawn when I first started the diet but decided to do so today to hold myself way more accountable. So I had my blood drawn for labs, was weighed, and had measurements done for the Workplace Wellness program to help monitor my progress on the diet. I started the diet with great enthusiasm and for the most part maintained myself below 20 grams of carbs a day but lately I’ve been slipping off track due to the holiday seasons and life stressors. I think taking full advantage of the Workplace Program will renew my motivation for a healthier lifestyle the low carb way. I have various reasons for beginning this journey and continuing it that I will only discuss a few now.
Me last week definitely feeling better after 2 months on Keto.
My biggest reason for doing the keto diet is my health-both physical and mental. You see, I’ve suffered half my life from anxiety and depression and while I’m on medication and have gotten better at managing it, it’s simply not enough. I’m constantly reading articles on studies about how I should exercise or practice mindfulness or eat specific foods to help my serotonin levels and be “happy” . While I understand that it all can help; for me personally, a drastic change such as changing my diet needed to be done. For me, food was one of those comforts I would seek out in order to help me “feel better” after a bad day. I felt like I needed the white rice, french bread, potato chips, and tacos to help me survive. Obviously,I had a very unhealthy relationship with food and it got so bad this summer that I was at my heaviest at 179 lbs which is pretty heavy considering I’m 5’4. Being this overweight made my depression worst, my energy was drained every single day so bad that it was a struggle to get out of bed and function. I also could not keep up with my very active boys ages 12 and 6.The extra weight also made my occasional hip pain worse to the point that some days I was limping around.
Me at my heaviest at 179 pounds.
I knew that at this point I was at risk for other factors due to family history, my maternal grandmother has had diabetes with complications since she was in her 50’s, I remember watching her test her blood sure since I was little and it never looked like something I wanted to do. My paternal grandmother also had diabetes in her 50’s. My maternal grandfather had heart disease as he got older. My father himself has high blood pressure that’s not easy to control. If I didn’t do something fast; I was a ticking time bomb of soon to be obesity and diabetes among other diseases that would shorten my life.
My second biggest reason of course are my three sons ages 19,12 and 6. I want to live long enough to see them through major milestones in their adult lives. I also want to set a good example for them about is a healthy relationship with food. While all three of them have been super hesitant about trying out even certain foods on the diet, I hope that in the future they will consider it as all three of them could benefit from it in different ways. My oldest has social anxiety/major depressive mood disorder, my middle and youngest children are overweight and have a high BMI; I also want to add that my middle child has possible ADHD and emotional problems.
My three sons ages 12,6, and 19.
Today the nurse asked me what my goal was and I basically told her I wanted to be at a healthy BMI. My current BMI is 27 which puts me in the overweight category. While I go love myself and my body at 160 pounds, I know I can do better to feel better. I will be sharing different tools and resources I use that I find to be successful throughout my journey.
It’s been a long 4 years since I last blogged and two themes seem to follow: my dissatisfaction with life and the progress with my oldest son D, on the autism spectrum.
The Good: My boys- My oldest son D, graduated from high school in May with a 4.0 GPA and is starting the university next month. Also, he graduated with over 30 college credits and many honors and awards. He literally is my light at the end of the tunnel some days when everything seems so overwhelming and bleak. My middle child T, is the opposite of D, meaning he’s extremely social but does not do as well academically. He is definitely the most sensitive child out of my three sons and that presents challenges. My little one M, is now 6 and is as happy and energetic as ever. I always say he’s a good combination of my oldest and middle sons. He does well academically and is a social butterfly. I feel like aside from the usual childhood angst, nothing really gets him down. I envy him.
Other things- I joined a local Toastmasters Club and have grown more confident in my public speaking skills. I’m also on the board of a storytelling organization that empowers our local community by telling one story at a time. I’m actually proud that it was telling my own immigration story in October that prompted the board to invite me to be on it.
The Bad: I have severe anxiety and depression. Some of it is circumstantial. Some of it is just me and my awful brain. I took a job working from home with Child Support Services in October of last year and my mental health went downhill. Dealing with angry clients every day on the phone while also dealing with not the most positive work environment. Most people would argue that this would be an ideal work environment but for me it was just the opposite. For one thing, it’s fucking isolating, especially when the only human contact are your colleagues/supervisors via Skype and the angry clients on the phone (because about 75% of the people on the phone are ANGRY and rightfully so). The other thing is fucking technology not working right and being monitored on a continual basis. Both of these things just added to an awful and stressful situation. And of course, there is my husband who doesn’t have the motivation to find a job and therefore is home every day. I resented him more with each passing day. While I’m being verbally abused every fucking day, he has the audacity to tell me to get over it. And to top it all off, my “perfect” oldest son started skipping school because of his own anxiety and I couldn’t help him. It was a recipe for me feeling like a worthless piece a shit to everyone so eventually I decided to do something drastic (that’s another blog post). Eventually, I did quit that job and landed another job in February of this year (not high paying at all) for the school district. It’s a job working with high school students with special needs. It’s actually quite an amazing and rewarding job in many ways but not one that pays the bills.
So this awful summer, I have been out there again, looking for jobs and while I have gotten a few interviews, none of them have panned out. It’s frustrating and almost hopeless. I told my husband, “We are just going to end up at my parents’ house soon” because this is how I truly feel. He responds that we’re not but how can I possibly trust him when he does NOTHING to re-mediate the situation. I told him I’m probably going to end up in an institution or dead to which he said nothing at all. Maybe that’s the only response he can come up with. I stay in this relationship mostly for my children’s sake. I keep thinking there is a light at the end of the long tunnel that is depression but I can’t seem to find it yet.
