a moment of serendipity happened when we ran into each other Christmas shopping You struck up a conversation and helped me with my bags and I told you about my plans for higher education and you said you wanted to help me and got my phone number we didn’t know at the time, one day we’d form a family get married and divorced within a span of twenty years isn’t life, so, so crazy? How ten minutes of conversation ended up leading to the beginning of one of my most important stories?
I tell my son I’m proud of you and he’s like why, because I’m alive I nervously laugh even though my heart aches over what he said Why does America like to play Russian roulette with its children Why can’t I have a normal conversation with my kid over too much screen time and reminding him to brush his teeth instead of conversation over what he should do in a mass shooting
I try my best to try to trust the divine time of the universe but on days like today I just want to disappear under the covers of my bed it’s not that I’m depressed I just need time to myself and not be surrounded by everyone’s bullshit about capitalism, society’s ills, and how we all need to heal- it all feels so repetitive like we’re all barely treading water waking up with existential dread wondering which catastrophe or tragedy comes next it’s hard for someone as sensitive as me to keep functioning to keep living under stress and duress of life and the world’s toxicity so on days like today I just want to disappear under the covers of my bed
to see my american dream I just need to step into my backyard and look at my holy trinity who call me mom they’re the ones I try to better myself for they’re the one who make my immigrant existence worth living for they’re my american dream wrapped up in burps, dark humor and love
envuelta en un ciclo de nostalgia cartas y fotos viejas y música de los 90 tratando de acordarme de quien fui Antes de me convertirme la madre de alguien
I wanted you but God wanted you more Perhaps you were an angel not meant for earth Perhaps you were a hard a lesson in grief and loss That I needed to learn A lesson that I should never take love and hope for grant No matter how brief the stay is A lesson that your heart can break within a span of a few minutes A lesson in surviving what you think is unsurvivable
sueños olvidados vienen a mi mente mientras sufro de un episodio depresivo querÃa ser mucho más que esto una madre abrumadora tratando de dar lo mejor de ella pero todavÃa fracasando
forgotten dreams remembered in a bout of depression I wanted to be much more than this an overwhelmed mom of two trying her best but still failing an chaotic mess who doesn’t know who she is underneath the burdens and expectations placed on her
while I’ve been obsessed with everything that has gone wrong with my life I’m learning to finally acknowledge everything that went right always been blessed to have a community of friends who loved and accept me as the crazy and creative mess that I have always been for that I am most grateful to the universe the ultimate gift of friendship
I wrote this poem in January of 2024 for my friend Rosie who died in 2023.
me right after I wrote this poem
it was a wintry and rainy day in Georgia when last goodbyes were exchanged between you and and your boys you were thousands of miles away in Texas, in your hospice bed I imagine you were full of peace in your last conscious moments finding comfort in your faith and accepting this was part of God’s plan but I-I carried rage that you were leaving everyone behind rage your husband would become a widower, rage your sons would grow up without a mom rage for the grief of everyone who would have to live without you rage that on the 29th of June, there wouldn’t be a random happy birthday from you for William, Miguel and all of the babies in our July mommy group born on that date rage that I didn’t get to know you better and that rage broke my brain, and I drove without a destination maybe it was your spirit that led me back to the safety of my boys but almost a year later I still carry that rage of how I don’t understand why God took you you who still had more than love to give and receive you who was the warmth of a sunny day in human form What was the purpose of your sudden departure?
I have a bad habit of making poetry out of almost anything it’s annoying, it’s cringe, and downright embarrassing at times how shameless I can be it teethers between the line of genius and insanity This monster of creativity of mine from trauma to my kids to childhood memories To the latest villain in my story to office supplies To my dreams to the trees to the clouds To my kroger apron to energy drinks To that ex from my 20s No one and nothing is saved from being used as a fountain of inspiration for my creativity Sometimes it’s a curse, sometimes it’s a blessing Most of the time, it’s just downright entertaining
today I feel the presence of my ancestors more than ever they praise me for breaking through the bullshit that society tried to sell about what it means to be a woman and mother- they love me despite my many sins and that mistakes I’ve made they scold me when I call myself a monster or an atrocity they encourage me to continue on my path they tell me to trust my intuition more and to take more risks with my art and in my life it’s a disservice to myself to doubt my creativity this only hinders me from fully expressing myself and keeps me from being authentic and honest when I share mine and their stories
lean into your inner child, let your spirit once again be filled with awe and wonder forget society’s rules that tells you to act your age to control yourself, who determines these stupid conventions and norms anyways sing out loud at the table, dance in your office tell a stranger you’re glad they exist, run in a field of flowers and giggle lean into your inner child, let your spirit once again be filled with awe and wonder
to reach the next level of my life I need to stand firm in alignment with my values I need to be brave and take the necessary steps for my full autonomy even if it’s painful, even if I start to question the process the end result will be the betterment for me and my sons, a life full of purpose a life where I’m no longer attached to anything and anyone who held me back from reaching my potential
