this could be and my lonely chicken nugget but he’s too scared to date me…no idea why..lol
On days when I’m hopeful about love- my laugh is lighter, my smile is brighter, my thoughts are the color of the sky thinking of the endless possibilities of how I’ll be loved and the many places me and my future somebody will go- while my cringy playlists play on the car radio and the many discussions or fights that might happen because one of us said the wrong thing or one of us won’t admit we got lost I”m still hopeful though keeping in mind that conflict is also part of how we’ll evolve
me in feb of 2023…trying to reclaim the softness in me
I’m graduating from writing about revenge and everyone who has harmed me I’m switched this narrative from woman scorned and full of spite To a woman reborned opened to love and joy in life While it’s fun to be petty and mean It’s better for me to reclaim the corny romantic in me the one I’ve kept hidden for 18 months the one who cries at the end of rom coms the one who’s desperate to fall in love again to continue this narrative about how I’m in love with my solitude no longer suits me when I have a universe of love to give
me in January of 2023…I give no fucks when I’m angry
when my inner bitch wakes up and rises-you better watch out I have no scruples, I have no morals my wrath has no limits I’ll come after you with my words call you out for hurting me or my loved ones I’ll forget everything I learned in therapy about compassion, about forgiveness I won’t just act like a woman scorned I’ll act like a villain in a horror movie out for revenge
I could be the poster child for love fiascos- I love too fast, and too hard- I’m the fool of the tarot risking everything even my sanity for love- getting caught up in feelings and magic being delusional that somehow it could work out even when the red flags scream at me- I say fuck it-I switch off the logic button in me and go all in
December 19th is National Emo Day and I wanted to honor it by sharing my spotify playlist with my favorite Emo Songs. I started listening to Emo music when my best friend introduced me to Taking Back Sunday and Brand New in college. I liked the music but didn’t get into it until the summer of 2021. I remember I was on my summer staycation from hell and had this feeling of numbness and shock in my body as I was doing my power walk and no song was hitting the spot for me to feel something. I was also having a lot of intrusive and negative thoughts at the time so I was trying to feel something, anything to get out of my head and stay safe. None of the music I was listening to was hitting the spot and then I decided to try my former angry playlist and Cut without the E came on and omg my anger came out in full force. It was like this weird gift from the universe because well, I finally felt something and it was powerful. It feels strange to say that rage felt empowering to me but it did. It knocked me out of my self pity and hardcore suicidal ideation into my anger phase of the grief I was in and it was what I needed at the time. It was the song I needed to get me through one of the hardest times in my life. Anyways, I’ve lost count of how many times I’ve listened to the album, “Tell All Your Friends” by Taking Back Sunday that summer. Then I rediscovered Brand New, and discovered Fallout Boy, Panic!At the Disco and the music really resonated with me. I always joke around with my friends that “maybe I just like these white boys yelling angry lyrics in my ear” lmao. But seriously, there is something about that white boy angst and anger that really hits the spot when I’m in a bad mood. Well, rap music also hits the spot but that’s another blog post. Lol. This summer I was actually lucky enough to see Taking Back Sunday with Third Eye Blind in concert with the same best friend who introduced me to TBS. It’s weird to say but it was one of the most joyous experiences of my life. It was one of the times when I was thankful of the intensity of emotions that comes with my BPD because when I’m happy, oh boy, it’s almost overwhelming but in a good way.
me in July of this year at the Taking Back Sunday/Third Eye Blind Concertme with my best friend from college at the concert
Below is a video of me in the summer of 2021 and the summer of 2022. There is a clear difference in both versions of me. I remember being so reactive and full of rage when I recorded the video where I’m in my room and immediately posting it on tik tok. I was in my “fuck the world” stage of grief. The video at the concert is me in this state of complete happiness and joy. I remember thinking “wow, I’m just really happy at this moment listening to this song. There is no room for anger in my heart”. It’s dramatic to say that it was cathartic for me but it was. To diminish that moment to something less than that would be invalidating what I felt at that moment.
what a difference a year makes!
Helena -My Chemical Romance
Lying is the Most Fun a Girl Can Have without Taking Her Clothes Off- Panic!At the Disco
Cut without the “E”-Taking Back Sunday
Motorcycle Drive By- Third Eye Blind
The Kill-Thirty Seconds to Mars
There’s No “I” in Team-Taking Back Sunday
Seventy Times 7-Brand New
Hands Down-Dashboard Confessional
Sugar We’re Going Down-Fall Out Boy
Sic Transit Gloria…Glory Fades-Brand New
I’m Not Okay (I Promise)-My Chemical Romance
Head Club- Taking Back Sunday
The Patron Saint of Liars- Fall Out Boy
The Only Difference Between Matrydom and Suicide is Fame- Panic!At the Disco
Screaming Infidelities-Dashboard Confessional
Great Romances of the 20th Century-Taking Back Sunday
A Decade Under the Influences-Taking Back Sunday
Tell that Mick He Just Made My List of Things to do Today- Fall Out Boy
Vindicated- Dashboard Confessional
Jude Law and A Semester Abroad- Brand New
Here is my spotify playlist of my favorite emo songs for your listening pleasure:
Pienso que es mejor morir que vivir en esta pesadilla es mejor escapar un destino lleno de incertidumbre y dolor porque el amor de tu vida no esta seguro si te ama
This time it will be different-I lie to myself over and over again- and for a while I’ll believe it-but it never works out and they always leave- And I wonder how words fail me when this happens- it’s a magnitude of emotions- Intense, mega, uber, all consuming, overwhelming- Some things cannot adequately expressed even with bilingual vocabulary- maybe not everything is meant to be written down it’s just meant to be felt, held intimately in my heart and mind maybe it’s a private thing between me and the universe
estancados en un purgatorio-no sabemos cómo continuar entonces nos mentimos que todavía nos amamos cuando ni siquiera nos aguantamos me dices que estoy loca por admitir la verdad pero me harte y prefiero parar de desperdiciar mi tiempo en algo que me está sofocando y robando mi paz
I probably just got done crying right before this pic was taken
In my car-I scream, sing, write, and cry I dissociate to my radio-blasting out Conan Gray I can be as crazy I as want to be- without the fear of being judged or talked about the seat is molded to my petite frame perfect for meditation or for allowing myself to fall into my insanity makes videos about how beautiful life is- or how I no longer want to participate in it my car used to feed into my deepest fears and insecurities but now I worship it if it wasn’t for this sacred space away from my office and home I don’t know how I would cope when the intensity of my thoughts knock on my mind’s door
our love dream has turned into a nightmare of stagnancy and routine I walk carefully on eggshells to not disturb your peace so you don’t leave- Is this how love is supposed to be? More questions than answers, more confusion than clarity More tears than laughter- I want to stay for the sake of our family but I’m starting to burn with resentment and anger
Life on the BPD 