I want to find my way to forgiveness instead I’m covered in hate I want to find my way to kindness instead of being stuck in this cage of anger and rage I want true radical acceptance instead of being a victim to my black and white thinking I want to be full of Zen Instead of being full of insecurity I want a stable sense of identity instead of this constant confusion about who I am I want to write about happiness and joy instead of filling up my pages with petty pouts
I used to find it romantic and endearing how in Hollywood stories the protagonists triumphs over insurmountable obstacles to find their happy endings until I notice there’s always a third party who’s left behind a third party who’s expendable and the cost of the happy ending the protagonist are granted it makes me wretched with empathy and feel grief for them because too often, I’ve known what it’s like to be left for someone prettier, shinier, easier, MORE EXCITING and I wonder if it’s time to write stories about them the third parties left behind who didn’t make the cut in their lover’s love story
ceo assassin come find me, I bet you’re a crazy communist who can match my bpd and bipolar energy you leave me breathless with an insatiable sexual hunger to make magic between my sheets ceo assassin come find me, let’s run away together from this capitalistic bullshit society and form our own version of utopia one where universal healthcare is a real thing, one where no one has to work 60 hour weeks to make ends meet, one where we are working to live and not living to work ceo assassin come find me, I don’t care that you’re on the most wanted list, I don’t care that they call you a murderous psychopath all I can see in front of me is divine masculinity and bravery who’s fucking tired of the trickle down economics false narrative this consumerist society conditions us to believe and i, more than other people understand you perfectly I can’t recall how many times I, too have found myself in a murderous rage wanting to turn to violence to make my working class anger heard and seen to send a message to the haves and the heathers, karens, chads, and brads of the world fuck you and your vacations, your teslas, and your brand name clothing while the rest of us have to settle for crumbs of the American Dream ceo assassin come find me, between your anger and mine combined, it could be the match that ignites an entire revolution not just against those who deny our insurance claims but also going against the 1 percent who deny us the freedom to just exist without worrying about how to make it in this consumeristic society and parasitic world without going crazy
your boundaries are clear as spring water I heard them between the gaps of silence in our texts you don’t want to encourage any attention from me or send mixed messages so instead, you don’t answer or initiate any conversations and I don’t blame you for this- After all, I am batshit crazy, I wouldn’t date me either so I will no longer bother you I’ll leave you alone respect the professional boundaries and walls you have erected Take this as another sign from the universe I’m still too damaged for another chance at love
Like shipwrecks in a cavern, somehow we came together putting bandaids of lust to sooth and cover our loneliness causing chaos and rejecting each other only to always come back to each other and it was entertaining for a while until we both realized it was a waste of time and energy and fled to different caverns
I called you my mr.wrong for a long time and hated myself for loving you- I knew we weren’t heading anywhere- you were the complete opposite of me but connection and chemistry kept me returning to you Even though I knew one day we’d end and one day came when we both got sick of our constant toxicity and shut down our whatevership And while I know it was for the best and we never wanted the same things- last night I dreamed of you coming to my house and sneaking into my bed And I wonder if part of my subconscious still misses you
magneto y locomÃa sale de la tele mi tÃo me llamaba su condesita y mi tÃa me llamaba linda y me rÃo porque últimamente me siento como una extraña en mi cuerpo y mami y sus hermanas me dicen que me estoy volviendo una señorita pero lo único que veo es un monstruo fea y gorda en el espejo y quisiera ser delgadita y fina como mis primas pero por lo menos mi tÃo y mi tÃa no me miran asà me miran como un tesoro bello y valioso
I met him outside on a hot July night he was everything I was not looking for but it was a devastatingly short fall and then I was lost in him and everything I wanted him to be It wasn’t fair to him or I expectations that were sky high with him I wanted everything but he wasn’t ready to be my love king Perhaps he was just a preview for a future love dream come true
radical self compassion and grace falls from my life as thoughts of crashing my car unintentionally come to the surface of my mind but this happens every year in early december the old me from 2016 still wants to be heard and seen the trauma from her is visiting me mixed with winter and PMDD and lack of sleep makes me feel incompetent and unworthy of existing but I resist and resist thoughts of self harm and despair there is still too much life left in me and besides it’s one bad day out of many Tomorrow, tomorrow, is another day, another sunrise, another sunset another brand new beginning
Inti came out in full force today wanting to play and it lit a light inside of me Fierce and ready to run towards the potential inside waiting to be taken advantage of
sometimes I wish you were here- so you could share your wisdom, so you could explain your truth I followed in your footsteps of being a teenage mom And it would have ripped me apart to have abandoned my son so I’m wondering how you did it- were you full of guilt or was it because of your lack of options how did you survive being away from your child and go on with your life as if he was an afterthought Perhaps I’m judging you harshly and I don’t understand the whole story I just want it to make sense
looking back on my tbr list from 2016 I think -pretentious much- it feels like it was a different person who added 600 something books to goodreads because now I don’t have any interest in most of these books in fact, most of these books that I once wanted to read would now bore me to tears maybe in 2016, I thought reading books about philosophy and history would make me smart enough for those I thought as evolved and now it just disgusts me now,I’d rather stick to poetry and interesting stories
Life on the BPD 