Happy Asian American and Pacific Islander Month! I wrote this poem inspired by my favorite Asian American, my oldest son.
I was young and so stupid a kid having another kid but with you I grew up and learned the meaning of love you’re everything a mother could want a wonderful and amazing son and while I’ll feel some grief the day you’ll your spread wings I’ll feel a special kind of pride as I watch you shine your golden light
I wonder where all of my money goes but then I go home to the bottomless pits that are my kids and then I go upstairs to my bedroom where my closet is exploding with clothes and then I look under bed full of shoes and then I go downstairs to my record player and looks at my various vinyls and we won’t even talk about my newly acquired furniture from Amazon now I understand my money goes to my busy life and my BPD spending impulsivity
Fuck you, fuck me, fuck everyone Is my mood stabilizer working yet? and fuck, fuck, fuck my brain chemistry it makes me so angry and crazy Sometimes I’d rather feel nothing than constantly feeling everything Between my anxiety, depression, bipolar And bpd I can’t trust my brain to tell me the difference between right and wrong I can’t trust my heart if my feelings are valid or if it’s inner critic preying on my insecurities on day likes this I’d rather disappear because being me gets so exhausting
your wretched goodbye brought a radical change within me left behind was the naive girl who fell in love with you left behind was the stupid bitch who made a home in you left behind was the insecure woman who made you her world the woman who stands before you made a 360 turn the woman who stands before lives life according to her own terms without apologizing, without accommodation, without toning herself down the woman you left behind no longer exists she turned into ashes and out of the ashes turned into a brave and powerful queen who learned that her love is the rarest type of jewel that she reserves only for those who love her and accept her exactly as she is
My heart blooms like a flower in the spring taking in the beauty of everything I’m no longer so angry and feel a freedom to just be I take things in stride and no longer feel the need to fight Is this what healing looks like?
el resentimiento que siento por ti no me deja dormir tus acciones me hicieron un mundo de daño y me trastornaron y siempre me preguntare, ¿Por qué fuiste un cobarde y no pudiste dar la cara al desmadre que tu creaste ? ¿Por que somos nosotros que tuvimos que sufrir por tu incapacidad de ser un hombre de verdad y asumir tu responsabilidad?
el miedo de compartir todo demasiado pronto corre por mi entonces me hago la chica de tus sueños la que se viste sexy y se ríe de todas tus bromas la que da su cuerpo fácilmente sin preguntas o demandas la que no exige respeto por miedo de vivir el cuento de mujer dejada de nuevo
el disco de mi trauma toca en el tocadisco de mi vida en un ciclo infinito de los errores cometidos en un ciclo infinito de lo que pudo ser y trato y trato de escaparme hallar brazos nuevos que me abracen y olvidarme de él emborracharme hasta quedarme dormida esperando la nostalgia de él no me visite en mis sueños y rezar por una cura, un remedio para borrarlo de mi mente para siempre para poder empezar de nuevo con alguien que sepa valorarme Sin el fantasma de el constante persiguiendome
The first and last time I tried to die I tried to get everything right I wrote letters to my loved ones and swallow each pill one by one All that was easy enough but really dying was tough Something inside me was too stubborn And sent one last text out to a friend who alerted my husband Between her and him, I never reached my end but in that moment I understood the suicidal writers and poets Living is exhausting,living is agonizing I yearned for the sweetness of death to take away my mediocre breath But the universe or God had other plans And today I finally understand Living is painful,living is terrible But living is also beautiful and really living is admirable
Your false love swallowed me into an ocean of oblivion and I almost drowned You consumed my mind with anxious thoughts of whether or not I mattered to you And thoughts of death visited me when you ignored me Feelings of worthlessness and emptiness threatened my wretched existence over and over again because of your inconsistent love But one day, I was enough by myself I didn’t need your pseudo love So I’m banishing you to the land of past lovers who never deserved the magic of my love
vivimos en un mundo de indiferencia pero continuamos fingiendo que nos amamos cuando en realidad todavía no me olvidado de él y tu todavia piensas en ella pero los dos tenemos miedo a la soledad por eso seguimos juntos en una existencia de falsedad