I want to be dripping in velvet and have the problems of the rich like finding a new pool man because the last one got sick of my condescending and pompous ways or cry because I’m bored and can’t figure out how to fill up my day in a way that keeps me entertained but instead I’m stuck in my working class cursed life where my joints and bones ache in chronic pain from constantly over working where I’m constantly fighting to make ends meet without losing my sanity And constantly questioning my existence because of my suffering
me about to pop this balloon of my self limiting beliefs
As I let go of my self limiting beliefs, I grieve the woman I used to be so insecure and unsure of herself so hesitant to take control and power Overthinking and catastrophizing constantly it held me back from living the life of my dreams- Jealousy and envy filled me up Scrolling the professional and personal successes of others on social media Thinking, “that could have been me” and giving too much importance to the opinions of others wondering constantly- “are they judging me?” It was a toxic story I told myself since the age of 16 and it continued on and on until one day in my middle age I exploded and decided to fight my inner critic and challenge everything I thought was wrong with me slowly, I learned to turn my story around Slowly, I went from victim to heroine
me on June 26 outside the courthouse after I filed for divorce-proud I was able to follow this process through
my fingers tingle and almost grew numb as I gripped the wire and the tightrope shook I wanted to give up it would have been so easy but something in me didn’t allow me to terrified I took the slowest step forward radically accepting in that moment I will never be a quitter
“back when I was living for the hope of it all”-Taylor Swift
I’m a poet, I’m a writer but when it comes to expressing the romantic in me I have the hardest time I’m great at expressing my anger, my disappointment, my shame but when it comes to love, I shy away and put my guard up it’s a mix of trauma and cognitive distortions I’ve held within me since the age of 16 self limiting beliefs that no man has ever loved or respected me and failing at all of my love stories no matter how hard I tried to succeed, no matter how much I accommodated or changed for my partner, he leaves me and I’m left flabbergasted, devastated, traumatized so embedded and attached to my past tragedies I’m apprehensive and hesitant when it comes to trying on someone new. when to comes to pursuing anything more than friendship it leaves me in the land of “I don’t know how to fucking do this again without it breaking me” and so I sit still, waiting for my crush to say something, do something to restart my heart once again
me with my emotionally supportive squad who helped me fill out my divorce paperwork- Shoutout to Meg, who took tacos for payment as she filled out most of it and gave me advice…
you’re my small town I’ve outgrown but am afraid to leave no one seems to understand this they’re concerned you’re holding me back they’re concerned staying with you stiffens my dreams and while I know they want what’s best for me and I agree with most of what they say How do I explain to them, it’s more complicated than I’ve made it out to be while you are hard to live with life without you feels almost empty and while it’s the right thing to do to end our marriage so we can move forward as a family it’s still hard to imagine a beginning without you
I called you a villain in my book of lust and love I never saw your humanity I never understood how I played my part in our chaotic and dysfunctional story of love Instead it was easier to blame you over and over again It was easier to play the victim rather than try to accept you as the imperfect human that you are Rather than to see how you never wanted a “we; rather than to accept you just wanted someone sometimes to not feel so lonely
Got two hours of sleep last night But I still woke up with excitement in my bones Excited about a future without you Excited that you’re really gone from my life Because while I loved you and had many good times You were never going to change, and neither was I We were on the road to nowhere And now that we’re forever apart We’re on the road to somewhere Somewhere that gives us space to grow Somewhere without the pain and drama we caused each other Somewhere that brings us the peace and love we need to be authentic
He knows how to reach me in a way no one else can his tentacles are embedded in me and it’s hard to escape I’ve tried and have succeeded and felt a sense of freedom- But then His tentacles reach out and grab me it’s useless trying to free myself- He’s got a spell over My mind, my body and my soul He rules it with lips and his hands And his body– And his tentacles are encrusted deep within me– Will I ever be truly free?
me and my boys-one of the major reasons I’m determined to be the strongest and most empowered woman in their lives
Our children pay attention to the stories we tell ourselves I noticed when my son’s heart broke for the first time and it awakened a deep catharsis within me I would no longer hold onto my victim story the one where I tell myself, “I’m worthless, I’m not good enough, I’m unlovable” Instead I’ll walk with confidence and all of the self love I can muster up for myself maybe just maybe if I can model this type of healthy behavior the cycle of generational self loathing and self destruction will finally be broken And my children has a chance of living a life filled with more joy and contentment than mental illness
The sweetness of life has me on a euphoric high where everything and everyone is wonderful where nothing or noone can bring me down And I feel like a goddess, a bad bitch, a Queen I live for moments like this where happiness is my best friend But then the sourness of life happens and I’m brought down to a hell of depression and despair Where I hate everything and everyone Where everything weighs me down and I’m losing my mind And I feel worthless, crazy and like a selfish bitch
My aura is a bright orange red it means I’m passionate, it means I get angry easily it means I have the most intense energy and while I joke how my soul is black my aura tells a different story It tells a story of a woman who loves hard who’s an emotional mess at times Who fosters a unique strength and resilience to go on Who’s a fucking Goddess
I want to scream, I want to cry I want to throw myself off the precipice of some cliff but faith whispers to me “You will not always feel like this” and slowly I begin to piece myself back together and It’s hard at first because I don’t know where to start Because so much in me is shattered and scattered But somehow I know that faith is by my side and hope will quickly follow and I won’t always feel so lonely, so hopeless
Old insecurities come to visit me again, they shake up my newly acquired confidence they tell me I’m not smart enough and I’ll never be truly loved They tell the only thing I have going for me is how sexy I can be Otherwise I’m a waste of a person because of my bpd And I try to shut it all down and not once again drown Because I have made so much progress and have come so far Only to once again fight an anxiety and depression war but it’s daunting not to let the negativity get to me So here I go once again trying to calm down my brain from intense and intrusive thoughts by covering myself with self love
maybe in another universe, another lifetime we would have been right for each other we could have been twin flames but in this universe, in this lifetime we were just lessons learned some karmic debt we both needed to pay
So this year I was able to do the napowrimo challenge last month in which I wrote one poem a day and posted it to my blog. For information about what Napowrimo is and where I got my prompts, here is the link: https://www.napowrimo.net/
april 1st-me on the first day of the challenge
I wasn’t able to do the challenge last year because I was in Peru and well, I was too busy enjoying my vacation to think about the challenge.
me in Peru last year…experiencing the poetry of nature instead of writing about it
I did do the challenge in 2022 and I can definitely tell a difference in my poetry from that year to this year. Here’s that blog post: https://wordpress.com/post/lifeonthebpd.com/3708 So a few things I have noticed in my poetry this year is I’ve gotten stronger in using imagery, my vocabulary is way better and I’ve even written some funny stuff. Here’s one inspired by Yung Gravy that I loved and read at open mic:
I got to perform this at a variety show this month and got serenaded after by a zoomer-lol
Another thing I noticed is that I’m getting better at telling a story through my poetry and here’s an example of this, this one is also one of my most vulnerable poems that I loved:
this was one of my most vulnerable and favorite poems
I will admit that not all of my poems were “good poems” and I’ll also admit that there were some days that it was hard to stay on task doing this daily since I do work 60 hour weeks but my discipline and determination won and even on the hardest and busiest of days, I still manage to write and post a poem. Also, I was determined to use the prompts from the napowrimo site and at times those prompts were challenging. However, I still used those prompts to the best of my ability. Also, when I did the challenge in 2022 I said something about turning off my internal editor and writing the poem and posting it right away. While I did turn off my internal editor (somewhat) when I wrote the first draft of the poem, I actually edited that first draft after I wrote it. I wrote a second draft in my journal and that’s what I posted in my blog. This shows I’m growing as a writer as I’m editing and paying more attention to what I post. I think one of the major reasons I’ve grown as a writer is because I’ve found community with other poets online and in real life. One thing I thought a lot about as I was doing this challenge was my audience. My friend Alex (another poet) told me that when he writes his poetry, he thinks about how it will sound while reading it to an audience and that really stuck with me. I know I’ve said so many times, “I write for myself primarily” and while that is still true, I think that in order for me to build community I need to also think about my audience and my readers. I don’t think this takes away from my authenticity at all; I think I’m just growing as a writer who aims to become better.
I’m so good at documenting those moments
My advice to anyone who’s thinking about doing the challenge next year is do it for yourself and be gentle with yourself. Understand you don’t have to post it if you don’t want to and use any prompts available on the internet. As I look into doing this challenge this year, I’m thinking of making my own prompts in Spanish and English for anyone interested in doing the challenge. I hope that next April when God willing I do the napowrimo challenge again I’m better at my craft and I can inspire some of my fellow poets to do the challenge with me.
