ya paro con mi cuento de pendeja que se deja menospreciar que se achica para la comodidad de otros desde ahora soy una loca, una reina que es selectiva de quien merece su amor y energía que cambia su historia de víctima a heroína que nunca más le va a rogar a alguien que la valore, que la quiere mis abuelas y mi madre no pasaron tantas tragedias en su vida para que yo me rinda a la merced de otro hombre confundido que me trata como una segunda opción que me llama cuando le antoje
I give you a yard, and you give me an inch- it’s a game of back and forth nonsense one where I respect your unspoken boundaries and need for space until one day the push back from you pulled back into a dark place I haven’t been in a while a place where my confidence breaks, a place where I start to question my worth a place when my sense of self breaks once again and I know right there, and then, it’s better to give up whatever this was I’ve outgrown men who send me mixed signals
every time I drive somewhere new I’m beyond terrified doubts about driving skills cloud me and I want to break down and panic in the middle of traffic but I push through my fears, my insecurities, and keep driving I can’t be weighed down by who I used to be A woman reliant on the transportation of others A woman fearful of living a full life that is my old story and it’s not that I hate that version of myself I just refused to hold myself hostage by my past which tries to hold me back from being the independent woman I was always meant to be
I was in distress the other night but I wasn’t the damsel who needed to be saved I was a friend who needed a friend and maybe I was expecting too much but you could have done better than some two word awkward text as I was breaking down in the diner
I cry over my fries while I write nonsense because nothing makes sense I’ve worked so hard to change my narrative of mental illness so hard to create a new story of strength and resilience where I’m the heroine but tragically I’m a falling victim again to depression, anxiety, BPD, and whatever the fuck else it is wrong with me and I wish to make myself small enough to disappear into a mist of nothingness because lately it hurts too much to exists
in the juxtaposition of the karens and working class I find sympathy for both it’s hard to explain this in between- it’s an exhausting struggle of understanding the complexities of the human condition of wanting to be seen of wanted to be heard and respected and I stared in horror, almost breathless as the karens and the working class exchange verbal hostile fire and almost throw hands at each other as one threatens the other’s livelihood and the other stood their ground and I – was just a witness to the epidemic of anger in America
I try on grace and self compassion thinking of the many times I wanted to be someone else Mirroring my sister and my best friends to escape from myself never thinking I was enough- I even tried to be like my former metamours- so smart, so pretty, so American they were placed on pedestals by my exes so of course I wanted to be like them- never understood how I never stood a chance and how nothing I did would matter my exes always chose them they were safe,predictable and shared their background everything I was never going to be so I chose to embrace who I really am a woman with a chaotic history who feels everything with a magnitude of intensity a woman who no longer mirrors others to gain a sense of identity I now stand firm in the authenticity of my duality I embrace my God given gift of my creativity and share it shamelessly there’s no turning back now that I’m fully me and I no longer care who loves and accepts me
I longed and longed and longed to feel whole until I planted my feet on the soil I was born on until I breathed the air my parents and ancestors inhaled until I tasted flavors from almost a lifetime ago I longed and longed and longed to feel whole until I returned to my homeland and it was the piece of the puzzle found I needed to finally complete me
and the roses never wilted, they just transformed into flowers never seen before for a while it looked like they were dying as they slowly turned gray and then black but then they bloomed into something different, a unique kind of beautiful
today I woke up overwhelmed, exhausted and in a fit of rage feeling underappreciated in all of my efforts to move my family forward not remembering the last time I had a full day of rest wondering how to continue this existence of 60 something work weeks, and of course the guilt over not spending enough time with my kids- I was downtrodden with grief and mad at the world until my abuela’s story made its way to a conversation with my coworker and a small light of hope dawned on me if my illiterate and indigenous abuela Mercedes, alone in the world could make generational wealth in the early 1900s despite the racism, the obstacles, and many tragedies faced I, too. will not only survive but will also thrive and continue to shine my light it’s in my bloodline, my ancestry to evolve, push myself forward despite obstacles, mental illness, or life’s tragedies-IT’S UP TO ME! as a Peruvian woman living in America in the 21st century to make the best of what’s been given to me which sometimes feels like the sourest of maize and turn them in the sweetest and tastiest Chicha
look at that Goddess, very awkward, very full of herself
gratitude taste like mami’s sopa de pollo gratitude smells like my lover’s cologne gratitude feels like a warm hug from my son gratitude sounds like my sister’s car in my driveway gratitude looks like me looking at the Goddess in the mirror
Libra season is upon us as summer turns to fall- a year ago, I was returning from my homeland recharged and determined 2 years ago, I was angry and using my rage to fuel my creativity and train for a 5k and 3 years ago, I was a hot and exhausted Emotional mess among the madness of COVID And this Libra season, I’m entering it free from the chains of matrimony and every expectation my parents and society has placed on me This Libra season, I will honor and pay tribute to my abuela Mercedes for the independent and strong woman that she was and celebrate my friends Melia and Quinn’s birthdays show them how grateful I am for their existence This Libra season, I’ll set intentions and manifestations for the next 6 months for the life I dream of and envision For myself and my sons This Libra season I’m determined more than ever to make miracles and magic happen- And prove to myself and anyone who ever doubted me that I’m not just a crazy and savage bitch but I’m also a magical and intelligent one who’s constantly evolving
the plane slowly takes off and I take flight with it I leave behind past troubles,past trauma and go on an adventure to find healing and the best version of myself
Susan from Oconee County calls concerned about the smell in the air from the sludge in the farms- and my Latina working class immigrant self rolls her eyes in disgust silently mouthing off- “are you fucking kidding me? another rich bitch on a mission to solve her problems of discomfort in her every day bane of existence” but I quietly listen to her as she talks about how it’s impacting the environment and the drive to the pilates studio because she just has to drive with her windows down to breathe in the autumn air as her PSL cools down in the drink holder but now she can’t enjoy her drive because of the sludge and then she breaks down and cries because of the inconsiderate farmers and I think of 1001 ways her privilege white woman ass is being a bitch and the audacity of how, me, a Latina immigrant working class woman is being forced to listen to her idiotic and inconsequential problems but rent needs to be paid and my kids need to be fed so, instead, I say “m’amn, I understand” in my best and whitest customer service voice- while calling her a pinche estupida pendeja in my head- and I reassure with a smile in my voice and tell her, “I’ll make sure someone get your messages which is of utmost importance, and calls you back” and as I hang up the phone, I want to scream and vomit at the same time thinking “I don’t think this was part of my American Dream”
I’m looking forward to that pisco sour I’ll have after the judge declares me divorced and free to remarry -ha- that’s the biggest joke ever maybe I’ll land in someone’s bed once again But a ring on my finger -NEVER!- not in this lifetime, not as long as I breathe instead I’ll claim my single status And relish in it as long as I can
Life on the BPD 