I scream watching the dominoes fall once again I don’t know who I am I want to be this version of myself a while longer ideally forever but the universe has other plans she laughs and says “Honey, he wasn’t the one” and I’m pissed and lose my shit go crazy for weeks, that turn into months that turn into a year until 13 months later mama killa comes to me revealing the last piece I needed to form a stable identity and sends me back to my homeland where I recover hidden bits of myself and laugh like a child once again where I’m reunited with the mountains, coast, and the city where the universe tells me “I told you so, you couldn’t have done this with him by your side dimming your light, you needed to be alone to embrace your magic And find your real identity under layers of american conditioning and reconnect with your homeland, it was the most important part in your heroine’s journey to integration
forgotten dreams remembered in a bout of depression I wanted to be much more than this an overwhelmed mom of two trying her best but still failing an chaotic mess who doesn’t know who she is underneath the burdens and expectations placed on her
man sets himself on fire for gaza woman murdered just for existing babies starved to death for being born Palestinian young adult dies at dorm of the local university collective grief rattles our communities don’t know what to make of so much loss happening within a matter of days all we can do is hold on to each other as senseless madness and violence takes place all we can do is tell our stories build our sanctuaries within each other remind ourselves of our warmth, our humanity when the world is heavy with cruelty and toxicity
the sky fell on me on that tuesday morning when you ended me with a 5 minute phone call for weeks I cried on the carpet until I fell asleep for weeks I wanted to fade away into an abyss of nothingness and even though it’s been almost decade I still think about that Tuesday morning the morning I lost the small piece of innocence I had left
overwhelmed by the sights and sounds at jorge chavez airport fast castellano coming from everyone with cumbia in the background machu picchu advertisements everywhere my mind is trying to process everything in real time I’m here, I’m here, I’m here the land of inca cola, ceviche and my ancestors land that I haven’t seen since the age of 9 and didn’t fully appreciate it happy and completely elated euphoria and goosebumps felt from my bones to my skin I never thought I’d see it again poverty kept me away but I’m here, I’m here, I’m here my beloved Perú the land I left without consent the land I was taught to menospreciar I’m here, I’m here, I’m here and I can’t wait to get reacquainted with you mi tierra-once again
I still watch our video, we were so cute together (sends pic of us naked in bed) your pussy is fire I’ll wait for you until you change your mind I guess loving you is a crime these are the things said to me by the men I send to block island exes and lovers who continuously disrespected me and never could listen to my no or respect my boundaries when we tried to be friends one of them I had to threaten to expose with the story Of how I broke his dick the rest made me feel a deep sense of guilt and covered me with toxic shame for letting them near me and I yell at that sick version of myself asking her “What the fuck girl, what was wrong with you” she responds, “I was mentally ill and impulsive,lol” and I try to find forgiveness for all of us trying to not victimize or villainize but the fire of anger rises up and I hate them and me for ever exchanging energies with them the only lesson learn in this is be careful, be wary of the nice guys the guys who talk a big game about respect and still make you an object of their obsession they’re the ones most likely to break you apart
all eyes on taylor as she ignites a battle between the sexes men triggered by her existence women coming to her defense sharing memes and articles to validate her popularity and Taylor she just want to love and support her boyfriend like any ordinary girl except she’s she taylor mutherfucking swift our it girl of the 21st century
many took bets on how long they’d last between the age gap, the difference in cultures they didn’t stand a chance yet, they kind of made it work for more than a decade yet, they still raised three fine young men for almost 20 years and while their incompatibility caught up to them and they had to end their love story they rebuilt it on the foundation of the love they once shared and in the best interest of their children and evolved into a healthy story of friendship where any resentment and anger has been buried and there are no hard feelings over past grievances where they support one another and are finally the parents their children always deserved
it’s the wild wild west inside my head it’s where my demons decide to come out to play they dance with traumatic memories making my fears and insecurities come out to the surface it’s the wild wild west inside my head being insane becomes my personality and aesthetic scaring away any potential love candidates it’s been a long time since I held someone’s hand much less been in someone’s bed It’s the wild wild went inside my head And I wonder when will the demons get tired and leave so maybe one day I’m not so jaded so maybe one day I give someone the chance to take me out on a date
In bridging the gaps of my story that have remained unresolved every story, every poem leads to pieces of healing and closure I’ve been desperately search for since I can remember Whatever my child self , my teenage self couldn’t voice back then My middle age self brings to the surface and while at times it’s difficult and terrifying it’s needed in the process of healing and evolving
me in my luchadoras gear ready to go into my second job
I channel the luchadoras before me the ones who had to work in the chacras to provide for their families, the ones who had to work with their bare hands to build generational wealth the ones who survived infidelities, abuse, and tragedies and still came out on top as Queens the ones who never had the option to lay down and princess to be doted on, be taken care of they had to become working class luchadoras for the betterment of themselves and their families
for almost three years I’ve been waiting for the next guy to appear as some kind of hero, as some kind of reward for all of my effort I’ve put into myself and the life I’ve built Subconsciously I did this Even as I publicly roared about being empowered on my own I still wanted someone to be my sanctuary to lay my love in And I wrote, manifested, schemed, flirted got obsessed with men who were just meant to be friends Thinking, gosh, if I hang on long enough, he’ll come around this might work out but today I discovered the only hero for me is the woman in the mirror who still manages to get out of bed even on the bad days when she’s too tired to function when she’s exhausted by all of it
take slow breaths and wash your hands you’re fine, you’re okay in fact you’re more than okay you’re fucking wonderful darling this moment of intense grief and anxiety reminds you that you’re human and you can’t always play the role of strong and resilient Queen in front of the world sometimes you have to pause, calm down, breathe and let everything out be vulnerable, be soft this is how you start to feel integrated and whole
this day inspired a poem titled, “My Last Heather Moment”
It’s the 3rd of December and that means it’s Heather Day! What exactly is “Heather Day”? It’s a lyrical reference to the Conan Gray song “Heather” which talks about unrequited love and his crush choosing some girl named Heather over him which is terrible because I still can’t imagine anyone choosing someone else over Conan Fucking Gray, the most beautiful man ALIVE! So the first time I heard Heather was around November of 2022 and in a few short weeks, I became obsessed with this song. I think my kids unintentionally know the lyrics because of how many times they’ve heard it. I’ve written poetry inspired by this song and read that poetry at open mic. I’ve posed in pictures inspired by the video of the song. I’ve blasted that song from my car at various times and have always sung it out loud when it would play over the loudspeakers at my second job.
Needless to say, I have a deep relationship with that song. I know that it’s because at various stages in my life, I’ve been dumped by my exes for someone else, my crush has chosen someone else over me, or in one instance, the guy I was kind of seeing brought the other girl to an event we were both at and he thought it was fine while I was having full blown panic attacks in the bathroom (that’s another blog post). Before I listened to Heather , I didn’t know what to call these gut wrenching moments but after “Heather” I call these moments “Heather Moments”. And I’m sure there are other people, who’ve had similar experiences and their own “Heather Moments” and so I made a playlist inspired by “Heather” with songs with a similar feel. I actually have a deep connection to every single one of these songs and have even seen a few of them performed live. Yes, I saw Heather performed live and it was the happiest 4 minutes of my life! Anyways, here’s my playlist along with a few of the poems inspired by the song Heather. Fun Fact about some of these songs: 1) I was obsessed with “Can’t Let Go” when I was 10 and my crush wouldn’t notice me. 2) Look Away was on repeat in my CD Player when I broke up with my ex at 15 and it wasn’t a week before he went out with that girl he told me “I shouldn’t worry about” 3) One of the first songs I learned to play on the keyboard when I was 13 was “Words Get in the Way” 4) This is probably the most embarrassing fact but I crashed into the pole at work while I was blasting “Traitor” from my car. And 5) I was obsessed with the song “Silver Springs” this year and had it on repeat and even translated it into Spanish to see how it sounded. Also, I’ve included link via spotify and youtube for your listening pleasure.
I WISH I WERE HEATHER playlist:
Back to Black-Amy Winehouse
Better than Revenge- Taylor Swift
Can’t Let Go-Mariah Carey
Checkmate- Conan Gray
Coincidence-Sabrina Carpenter Dancing on my Own-Tove Lo Deja Vu- Olivia Rodrigo
Driver’s License- Olivia Rodrigo
Glimpse of Us- Joji
Good Enough-Maisie Peters
Heather- Conan Gray
John Hughes Movie- Maisie Peters Lacy- Olivia Rodrigo
Lookalike- Conan Gray
Look Away- Chicago
Lost the Breakup- Maisie Peters
Lucid Dreams- Juice WRLD
Movies- Conan Gray
Objection-Shakira
Opposite- Sabrina Carpenter
She’s All I Wanna Be- Tate McRae
Silver Springs- Fleetwood Mac
Slow Dancing in the Dark- Joji 24.Taste- Sabrina Carpenter
abuela Gaby sends me hints that she wants her story to be told but I can barely remember her she tells me to still try with the bits I have I ask her for patience I want to get it right, I want to do her story justice she tells me, “hemos vivido vidas paralelas” las palabras te vendrán fácilmente pronto” and adds, “es como vas a sanar, es como empiezas a entenderte” and I don’t understand what it means, I don’t understand her interest in me now and how I became a messenger of her story, “ni siquiera pensé que me querías Abuela, you always pulled my hair” and she replies, “es que era duro ver nacer y crecer a alguien que se parecía tanto a mi, me traía demasiados sentimientos encontrados, porque sabía que tu espiritu seria difícil de dominar” and while I try my best to comprehend what she tells me – it’s hard to wrap my head around her message and all of the conflicting stories about her from my family so I’m going to make it a point to find out her story through her letters and pictures- abuela, I want to do your story justice I can’t rush through this yours is one of the most important stories I’ll share in my lifetime
Life on the BPD 