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Poetry: Hope You Know

I hope you know that YOU really shouldn’t think about dating me unless you want me to write loads and loads of sad and angry breakup poetry about you once you leave. Just kidding. Maybe. LMAO Anyways, here is another salty poem about the great breakup of 2001.

I hope you know you made a mistake
The day you decided to go astray
You have just lost the best thing
It’ll get under your skin
And you will one day regret
The day you decided to forget
It was just supposed to be about me and you
And you’ll feel like such a damn fool
For I’ll never let you walk back into my life
Knowing you made love to me with your disgusting lies
I hope you’re miserable with her
and karma comes for you and her
and for me you’ll just be another nightmare

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Poetry: Ambiguity

I wrote this in December 2001 after seeing my ex “S” from the “great breakup of 2001”. I saw him at mall while I was shopping. I remember not being able to breathe and having to get out of there.

forgiveness is hard

I was minding my own business
when I came upon your ugly face
I started right away to get restless
Thinking how you had been such a fucking waste
I hope you didn’t notice
How I had forgotten to breathe
How the memory of your kiss
Came back to me
That’s when I had to turn around and leave

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Poetry: Man of My Destiny

I wrote this in January of 2002 about Lucas , my married coworker. We are finally at this chapter of my life; yeah, the one where I fell “in love” with my married coworker. I was 20, almost 21 and he was 31. This was one of the most interesting and tumultuous seasons of my love life due to the crazy circumstances surrounding it but that’s another blog post. Lol.

attraction

And so I finally meet
The man of my destiny
But of course
There is a minor oversight
He is bound to another by law
But does his face light up
when she enters the room?
Does he desire me as I desire him?
Does he care for her the way I care for him?
Does he still want her as bad as I want him?

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Poetry: My Love Murderer

This was the second poem I wrote in December of 2001 inspired after seeing my ex “S” at the mall. I was still feeling all of those raw emotions after this breakup when I wrote this. Looking back on it, I’m glad that at the time, I took my emotions out on paper instead of finding other means of escape with alcohol or someone else.

There you were
In front of me
My love murderer
I wanted to yell and scream
and say
You are the most deceitful, lying, scum king
I wanted to throw at you my fist
with all my might
And punch those lips I had once kissed
I wanted to kill you with a look
that said
You bastard, look at how much you took away from me
Instead, I had to walk away
and take back with me
All I wanted to do or say

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Poetry: So You

So I really needed therapy then. Hahaha. This is another salty poem from the great breakup of 2001.This poem is obviously directed at “S” ex-wife who let me know he was cheating on me. Thinking back on it now, I was pretty cruel to the poor girl on the phone. Any anger I had felt should been directed at him and not her. She was in the same situation I was in.

And that dynamite exploded

So you got my man
Thank you for getting him off my hands
So you think he loves you
It’s just a line to fuck you
So you think I still want him
I could care less about such a sorry thing
So you think you are meant to be
You are blind too, I see
So you think he’s the real deal
He doesn’t know what it’s like to feel
So you think you’re lucky
You got yourself another false story
So you think I’m saying this because I’m super pissed
Nah, I’m saying this cause you’re another girl on his growing list

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Poetry: I Thought

Another poem written about the great breakup of 2001. This is a great example of my black and white thinking that comes with having BPD. LMAO.

Me with my nephew in 2001 around the time I wrote this poem

I thought you were kind
I never thought you would destroy after a short time
I thought you loved me
I never thought you would betray me
I thought we were meant to be
I never thought you would cheat on me
I thought I was the only one you cared about
I never thought lying was what you were about
I thought you were my dream come true
I never thought you weren’t being true
I thought I could put my trust in you
I never thought you would make me so blue

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Poetry: Dear Brad

I wrote this poem in 2002 about Brad, my former friend who lied to me for about a decade. Before I wrote this poem, we had met up maybe once and fooled around. After that, I tried to make it go back to a platonic friendship but he kept pressuring me for more.

I feel so fucking bad
My dear friend Brad
I know that you were displeased
I never meant for to think I was a tease
But I can no longer be that girl
That doesn’t know her worth
And is okay with being a “good lay”
Sorry for not being able to be your booty call
It’s just that I have learned
That if I want respect
I have to be firm
I hope you’ll forgive me and understand
And we can again be friends and hang

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Poetry: Hell Sent

I wrote this in November of 2001 about the great breakup of that year. I was quite salty. Hey, at least I didn’t go Joe Goldberg on his ass. Lmao. Sometimes as a way to process trauma, I will write letters to the people that have hurt me. This is an example of one of them.

I feel like this same story has repeated in my life over and over again

My heart knew you were no good
Something told it you were not being true
All those days you were out there “working”
You had been out there fucking
I should’ve known to walk away
The first time your lying ways gave you away
But I wanted so badly to believe
That you were truly in love with me
Now I’m a big mess
But I deserve this I guess
For not listening to myself
And falling in love with your sorry self
I’m glad we’ve reached the end
Cause baby you were hell sent

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Poetry: Fun is Gone

I wrote this in 1998 about my pregnancy. I wrote this after telling my traditional and catholic parents I was pregnant. I was six months along and went into a deep depression afterwards that lasted maybe a year after the birth of my first child. Yes, I was a teen mom with post partum depression and there wasn’t much anyone could do at the time. I still got up to go to school and took care of my child. My life was no longer just about me, I was responsible for another life. Maybe that’s when I learned to mask so well. I learned to show up no matter what. On the upside, I had really supportive parents who were for me when they could have abandoned me. On the downside, some of my closest friends did. Sometimes I wonder if going through something this traumatic did stunted my maturity in some areas.

me at 17 around the time I wrote this poem

No more fun
No more just “lying in the sun”
Dirty diapers and Barney
Will sum up the next few years for me
No more hanging out with friends
No more having tons of boyfriends
Strollers and snotty noses
Will be how my adolescence closes

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Poetry: Cheater

I wrote this poem in 2001. It’s another poem about the “great breakup” of 2001. I think part of the reason I took that breakup so hard was that I had idealized that relationship thinking finally I found the one. Lol. I was just really tired of jumping into relationships time after time and them not working out.

Yeah..I was mad..lol

I thought I was the only one
in your heart
I never thought that the time would come
when you’d say “It’s time we part”
It never crossed my mind
that there was somebody else
I always thought you were only mine
I thought we had more time

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Poetry: First Date

I wrote this in November of 1999 after I met Sam, this guy who ended up being my FWB for almost a year. We hooked up that first night in his car. He was honest about being in a relationship but Idk…I guess hormones took over. Lol.

Honestly…I’m really not responsible. Lol.

I can’t stop thinking
About how our bodies started linking
Movie, dinner, a walk under the stars
I never thought our date would go so far
You told me you had someone in Miami
I knew you were suppose to be off limits to me
But once I felt your delicious kiss
I knew I could no longer resist
So I surrendered myself
To the lust I felt

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Poetry: Lost Concentration

I wrote this in 1998 when I was pregnant. I was kind of denial at the time but also knew what was happening. It was a weird and traumatic time in my life. I was barely 17 and coming to grips to how drastically my life would change. I will say that after 23 years, my son’s birth was definitely a trauma turned into triumph. I don’t think I knew what real love was until I had him.

me on my 17th birthday around the time I wrote this poem

I can’t concentrate
knowing my fate
I’d rather die
Than having to keep up this lie
I’m gaining weight
And my period’s 3 months late
I’m having cravings
Pretty soon everyone is going to be staring
I don’t know how to cope
I’m starting to lose all hope
I don’t wanna live anymore
I feel like I have nothing to live for
What am I to do?
Where or whom do I go to?
My life is ruined
All this, just by letting him in

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Poetry: The Cad

I wrote this in 1997 about my ex James. I was pissed and super salty as you can tell. This poem is me fantasizing Karma got back to him one day. This poem is full of that great anger I feel when men are jerks to me.

me in 1997 when this poem was written- laughing about my ex …lmao

You were such a cad
and that makes me so sad
You give women so much crap
Just to get them in the sack
You give them so much pressure
Just so they can give you pleasure
You never know how they feel
After you made your kill
You didn’t care
And thought it was fair
To use them to satisfy your primal thirst
Never thinking one of them would make a big fuss
Now you spend your life in bed
Having to be fed
How ironic it is
Just cause you had to add one more to your list

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Poetry: Fate

I wrote this in 2000 about this guy I had met off the internet that we’ll call “M”. I wrote this after the first time I met him and felt this crazy chemistry with him and of course my idealistic 19 year old self thought that it was love at first sight. Haha. That wouldn’t be true.

me in 2000 around the time I wrote this poem

I guess it must have been fate
that brought me someone so great
Someone who could be both my lover
and my friend
Whose delicious kiss I will never forget
Someone who is wonderful
and not full of bull
Someone who makes me smile
and can get me real wild
These and many other reasons are why
I’m so happy to call you my special guy

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Poetry: Lust at First Sight

I wrote this in December of 1997 about my oldest son’s father. I guess the night I write about in this poem was probably the night my son was conceived.

This is another poem related to that situation:

https://rejectingstagnationafter.wordpress.com/?p=1553

me in 1997 before meeting my first baby daddy

7 O’clock came and you were there
To pick me up from from work
My feet hurt
So you carried me to the car
You drove me to your home
And took me to your room
Your friends were there
we waited until they left
you put on some music
And we danced
And as our bodies swayed to the music
Your hands played with my body like an instrument
you had learned on master on the first try
They knew how to touch all of the right places
That sent wild shivers throughout my whole body
Clothes started to become undone
And were on the floor in a matter of minutes
we danced with our heated bodies as they longed to become whole