Poetry: Guilt
I wrote this poem in February of this year inspired by my oldest son.
the guilt visits me over the mother I should have been
I should have been older, wiser, married
but instead you ended up with an immature teen mom
who read you Stephen King instead of fairy tales
who played you Matchbox Twenty instead of lullabies
who wore you on my hip like a new fashion accessory
who missed the signs early on that you were different
because I was too self absorbed looking for love
but what’s done can’t be undone-
I hope one day you understand
I did the best I could with what I had
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Song of the Day 😅 “if he makes you smile, he’s blocked” 😅🥳
poetry: attention
Aqui esta la version en Espanol:
Poesia: La Misma Historia
I’d rather be berated and hated
than ignored and treated with indifference
call me a lunatic, call me a bitch
call me the worst mistake of your life
JUST CALL ME ANYTHING!
Then I’ll know I won
because I’ve imprinted on your memory
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poetry: so jealous
aquí esta la versión en español:
Poesía: Decepción
nothing ever happens to my exes after they leave-
they don’t blink, they don’t flinch, they don’t need therapy
and I’m so incredibly jealous of that!
They’re carefree and without any feelings-
Absconding without blame or any responsibility
While I’m left in a spiral of shame and regret
and many times losing my sanity
How many more mental breakdowns will I have before accepting=
love is always a dangerous game for me-
no matter how casual and detached I try to be
my nature will always be to give, give, give
Until I lose parts of my identity
Maybe this is how I keep attracting narcissists?
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Song of the Day 🤣”what’s the worst thing that could happen?”
Song of the Day 💗 I’m doing good, I’m on some new shit💗
goal setting
I plan my goals according to what I want to achieve and what will bring fulfillment and joy to my life. I keep a google doc of lifetime goals with lofty goals like owning property in the U.S and Peru and traveling to all 7 continents. Here’s a preview of it:
Get published in more online or print publications
I will get a translation certification from Arizona University
My Spanish will be more fluent than ever
I will go to Oxapampa-4/2/2023 (goal accomplished, yay ME!)
Travel to Asia
Own property in Peru (preferably in Oxapampa -a house with farmland)
Travel to Mexico (Frida Kahlo’s house)
Go to Montgomery, Alabama-Zelda Fitzgerald’s house
I also have a short term goal list I make every year but also continue to revise them every time I start a new journal. Here’s a preview of it:
- Improve on my craft
- Improve my credit score
- Budget way better (no take out, no amazon, no impulsive spending)
- Limit drinking alcohol
- Get a better second job or get a first job that pays me way more
- Don’t get on stupid dating apps until after July 15th 2023-still not on any of them, yay me!
- Don’t date -killing it by living a chaste life -8/18/2023
I want to add that I’m very intentional with my goals and when I start to feel stuck or stagnated in my life, I will revisit them and see which goals I’ve achieved and making progress on and which ones I need to work on. I think that having goals have given my life purpose and keeps me moving forward. Some years have harder than others to set goal, I remember in 2019 I had two goals: survive 2019, have more compassion for myself. So really, it doesn’t matter how many goals you have or what kind of goals they are, the only thing that matters is that they help you evolve and bring fulfillment to your life.
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Poetry: Joe, the Hero
I wrote this poem in August of 2022.
I love her and she will be mine-
because i know what’s good for her
because she needs me in her life
as she’s a complete mess
and I can save her I can fix her
I can be her hero
her confidant, her eternal lover
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tranquility
when the world gets to be too much
I block, I delete, I ignore
I don’t want to waste my precious energy and time
on anything that drains me, that robs me of my peace
I’ve fought too hard to get to a place of serenity
and I can’t allow anyone or anything
to ruin my newfound reality of tranquility
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Poetry: Recovery
I wrote this poem in August of 2022.
Insecurities and anxiety from my immigrant childhood
Come out to play and my adult self wants to run away
I thought I was healed from this
I hate these triggers—but I still confront them even if I don’t want to
I cry and write about them, reprocess something not quite healed
Am I on the way to my recovery from BPD?
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Song of the Day “In an alternate universe ” 😭🥰
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Poetry: Con
I wrote this poem in August of 2022.
the facade of equality is cloaked in good intentions and lovely words-
and while laws have been passed to prevent discrimination
and to try to level the game of success,
it’s all a sham, it’s all a con
we still live in a world where the color of your skin and social status
and gender determine your prosperity
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Poetry: Did You?
I wrote this poem in August of 2022.
did you drink your water today?
did you remind yourself you’re worthy of love?
did you understand you were always enough?
will you repeat after me-
I won’t run away from or suppress my feelings
I need to face my emotions head on
or else I’ll break down
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poetry: like clockwork
aqui esta la version en espanol:
Poesia: Falsa Esperanza
you were my hope in love restored
everything I had dreamed of
everything I had wished for
and it was nice for a while-
getting lost in our love
thinking it was safe,
thinking it could be my permanent sanctuary
until one day like clockwork
you changed your mind and decided I wasn’t enough
and I was left wondering “what the fuck is wrong with me?”
Life on the BPD 