love will have to wait while i switch the gears from survival mode to triunfadora mode right now I can only concentrate on existing and putting one foot in front of another right now I only have the energy and time to focus on myself and digging myself out of the latest catastrophe I find myself in right now is not the time for crushes or new relationships it wouldn’t be fair to him to invite him into my current chaos right now I stand alone, get myself together before trying to fall into the magic of love again
the sunset at el parque del amor makes me believe in love again it makes me believe I won’t always be holding on so tightly to my solitude it makes me believe that I could have another accomplice to share my life with
I feel timid lately and want to hide in a tomb the kind of tomb you’d find on the grounds in some decrepit motel there I wouldn’t have to function at all there I could get lost in my thoughts and make up scenarios in my head There’s no one’s energy would impact me in a way that makes me feel hopeless and worthless
guilt and despair fills you up from the pain you’ve caused and you’re in the thick fog of darkness so you write poetry and cry and idealize death because in your time-therapy was still a new thing and the cure for your hysteria was a lobotomy and there was no such thing as DBT and no one to tell you that feelings are temporary
if self sabotage was an olympic sport, I’d win the gold medal so many times I’d been close to reaching my potential only to screw it up later maybe it’s the insecure and anxious little girl who still lives within me who’s scared of conquering fears and chasing her dreams I need to figure out a way to quell her to give her closure and peace so she’ll let me be live in peace and stop sabotaging everything
Give me a man who will buy me everything and I will accommodate to him- Because unlike JLo my love costs all the pretty things dresses, jewelry, vacations in the caribbean give it all to me and you can be my king because if I’m going to be treated like shit by a man in a relationship, at least let it be on a cruise ship
August is here and I hold onto the few slivers of hope left in me as I reach another rock bottom self correcting and not making myself a victim making sure I’m better than yesterday Trying my best to control my emotions knowing that somewhere in the wash of this downward spiral will come the biggest silver lining
Sunshine finally finds its way into my heart on a rainy day after clouds of emotions attacked my mind and body for a week but today I feel lighter-I feel joy I feel like everything will be okay
I’m going to paint the sky with all of the colors of your love red, green, yellow, dark gray, midnight blue, and black every single color you’ve brought to my life it’s will be the most epic mural who beauty will rival the taj mahal a mural decided to my own miracle of your love
Nature’s kiss is the sunshine on my face as I run- and it’s hug is the wind against my body as I fall into the rhythm of the song I’m listening to- nature was part of God’s remedy for the darkness and despair I tend to fall into
siempre Guerrera-Also Happy Peruvian Independence DAY!
I embrace the crone I’m becoming and let go of the last vestiges of girlhood no longer will I twirl my hair, bat my eyes, or make myself cute and soft for the male gaze trying to get their attention from now on I’ll accept my wrinkles, my aches, my gray hair, my crow’s feet as proof that I have lived and experienced a life few would’ve survived as proof that I am a goddamn Guerrera
One day I’ll find the one who’ll break down the fortress that guards my vulnerability He’ll know how to handle me He’ll tell me “I’m impossible when I’m too much” but will show his love and loyalty he’ll annoy me because he’s human but our joy will outweigh our conflict and we’ll stress each other out but never lose sight of the epic love we feel for one another
wordpress prompt:If you won two free plane tickets, where would you go?
maybe I’ll take him, Idk
I want someone to take to oxapampa so I can show him where part of my story started so he can watch the sun rise and the sun set on my family’s farmland so I can experience joy through his eyes for the first time as he observes the beauty of the land So I can watch his face when he takes a sip for the first time of the world class beer 7 vidas so we can take tourist pics at the plaza and the church were my dad was baptized in dance the night and awkwardly laugh at the cultural appropriation of the Cheyenne Club so right after we end up at the Hakuna Matata karaoke bar when I sing “Lover” to him off key as he sits in his chair and cringes in embarrassment and tells me I’m crazy and everyone stares at us so we could have breakfast with my tia with the eggs, chorizo, coffee, and milk coming from the family farm as we all awkwardly make small talk about our plans for the day I want someone to take to oxapampa to hug trees, go on hikes in the jungle, and make love in some little cabin but I’ll have to wait and wait until the universe sends someone worthy of going the magical land of oxapampa
maybe I restarted the blog for a younger version of us out there in another state, another country who needs a roadmap, Understanding, knowledge, and wisdom in navigating a hard situation they never thought they had to face maybe I restarted the blog out of hope that some couple out there who’s struggling can find something useful in my story, in my prose, and my poetry to get through their own hardship through the worst of it and make it to the other side, evolve and grow together in intimacy and find their own happy ending
my energy is a precious commodity i don’t give it to anybody my time and effort now has to be earned because of so many false starts and lessons learned I’d rather embrace my solitude than once again Become Joe from “YOU” because I’m much to beautiful to fall for another insensitive fool
Life on the BPD 