heroines go bravely up on stage and vomit out their feelings–pic is courtesy of my friend Amber Murphey
As I let go of my limiting beliefs, I grieve the woman I used to be so insecure and unsure of herself so hesitant to take control and power Overthinking and catastrophizing constantly it held me back from living the life of my dreams- Jealousy and envy filled me up Scrolling the professional and personal successes of others on social media Thinking, “that could have been me” and giving too much important to the opinions of others wondering constantly- “are they judging me?” It was an toxic story I told myself since the age of 16 and it continued on and on until one day in my middle age I exploded and decided to fight my inner critic and challenge everything I thought was wrong with me slowly I learned to turn my story around Slowly I went from victim to heroine
December 19th is National Emo Day and I wanted to honor it by sharing my spotify playlist with my favorite Emo Songs. I started listening to Emo music when my best friend introduced me to Taking Back Sunday and Brand New in college. I liked the music but didn’t get into it until the summer of 2021. I remember I was on my summer staycation from hell and had this feeling of numbness and shock in my body as I was doing my power walk and no song was hitting the spot for me to feel something. I was also having a lot of intrusive and negative thoughts at the time so I was trying to feel something, anything to get out of my head and stay safe. None of the music I was listening to was hitting the spot and then I decided to try my former angry playlist and Cut without the E came on and omg my anger came out in full force. It was like this weird gift from the universe because well, I finally felt something and it was powerful. It feels strange to say that rage felt empowering to me but it did. It knocked me out of my self pity and hardcore suicidal ideation into my anger phase of the grief I was in and it was what I needed at the time. It was the song I needed to get me through one of the hardest times in my life. Anyways, I’ve lost count of how many times I’ve listened to the album, “Tell All Your Friends” by Taking Back Sunday that summer. Then I rediscovered Brand New, and discovered Fallout Boy, Panic!At the Disco and the music really resonated with me. I always joke around with my friends that “maybe I just like these white boys yelling angry lyrics in my ear” lmao. But seriously, there is something about that white boy angst and anger that really hits the spot when I’m in a bad mood. Well, rap music also hits the spot but that’s another blog post. Lol. This summer I was actually lucky enough to see Taking Back Sunday with Third Eye Blind in concert with the same best friend who introduced me to TBS. It’s weird to say but it was one of the most joyous experiences of my life. It was one of the times when I was thankful of the intensity of emotions that comes with my BPD because when I’m happy, oh boy, it’s almost overwhelming but in a good way.
me in July of this year at the Taking Back Sunday/Third Eye Blind Concertme with my best friend from college at the concert
Below is a video of me in the summer of 2021 and the summer of 2022. There is a clear difference in both versions of me. I remember being so reactive and full of rage when I recorded the video where I’m in my room and immediately posting it on tik tok. I was in my “fuck the world” stage of grief. The video at the concert is me in this state of complete happiness and joy. I remember thinking “wow, I’m just really happy at this moment listening to this song. There is no room for anger in my heart”. It’s dramatic to say that it was cathartic for me but it was. To diminish that moment to something less than that would be invalidating what I felt at that moment.
what a difference a year makes!
Helena -My Chemical Romance
Lying is the Most Fun a Girl Can Have without Taking Her Clothes Off- Panic!At the Disco
Cut without the “E”-Taking Back Sunday
Motorcycle Drive By- Third Eye Blind
The Kill-Thirty Seconds to Mars
There’s No “I” in Team-Taking Back Sunday
Seventy Times 7-Brand New
Hands Down-Dashboard Confessional
Sugar We’re Going Down-Fall Out Boy
Sic Transit Gloria…Glory Fades-Brand New
I’m Not Okay (I Promise)-My Chemical Romance
Head Club- Taking Back Sunday
The Patron Saint of Liars- Fall Out Boy
The Only Difference Between Matrydom and Suicide is Fame- Panic!At the Disco
Screaming Infidelities-Dashboard Confessional
Great Romances of the 20th Century-Taking Back Sunday
A Decade Under the Influences-Taking Back Sunday
Tell that Mick He Just Made My List of Things to do Today- Fall Out Boy
Vindicated- Dashboard Confessional
Jude Law and A Semester Abroad- Brand New
Here is my spotify playlist of my favorite emo songs for your listening pleasure:
I probably just got done crying right before this pic was taken
In my car-I scream, sing, write, and cry I dissociate to my radio-blasting out Conan Gray I can be as crazy I as want to be- without the fear of being judged or talked about the seat is molded to my petite frame perfect for meditation or for allowing myself to fall into my insanity makes videos about how beautiful life is- or how I no longer want to participate in it my car used to feed into my deepest fears and insecurities but now I worship it if it wasn’t for this sacred space away from my office and home I don’t know how I would cope when the intensity of my thoughts knock on my mind’s door
my transformation and rebirth meant giving voice to my shadow who’s vindictive, petty, and mean I’ve never really allowed her to breathe much less be seen and now she’s almost everywhere- taking space in uncomfortable spaces learning she’s not bad- she just needed attention and to feel valued I’ve finally accepted she’s an important part of me who needs to be seen
I used to be an expert at throwing my own pity parties I drew a chalk line of the outline of my body and called myself the victim of my life It was before self-awareness kicked in, it was before radical honesty it was comforting to drown in my misery but now, if I feel myself treading in a sea of self-pity I look back on all of the progress I’ve made and all of the healing I’ve done and am reassured I’m not a victim anymore I never really was I was always a diamond buried under a mountain of mental illness-and now I shine with the queen energy that took me a long time to uncover
my soul commands me to slow down and listen in silence to what I need It tells me to not suppress anything-even it looks angry another mean and petty poem appears it’s okay, it’s shadow self needing to be seen it’s a part of my identity that doesn’t define me my soul tells me I’m not worst or best moments I’m more complicated than that I’m a woman full of trauma search for the calm in the chaos that is her life
in first grade, I learned to be ashamed and embarrassed of who I was, and where I came from maybe the nuns were ignorant of the damage they were doing and since that time I’ve had identity issues for years, i gave up my language and my heritage in order to fit in- to have proximity to being an American but all it did was fuck up my identity and while I have forgiven the nuns for the damage done I have a hard time finding compassion for myself I have a hard time letting go the guilt For the pain I caused my family I have a hard time understanding I was just a kid desperately trying to fit in, to belong, to be accepted to conform of the standards of being American society fed me
The scared and anxious little girl and the insecure and clingy woman tug at me- I try to avoid them and lock them up in a box, but it never happens that way They refuse to go away when a trigger of trauma visits me And once again, I am lost in the alter ego I made up to protect myself the one who shows up in confidence and screams through her poetry but if I want to reach integration I need to allow the little girl and the insecure woman space to reside within me and honor them with powerful words of praise because they, too, were part of my strength and resilience through the many traumas It may feel painful at times-but for me to get to become a whole person and reach emotional maturity – I need to walk hand in hand with the ones who made me the powerful and confident woman I currently am
Running away from my feelings, running away from my thoughts I will my legs to keep going as they start to groan and threaten to turn to mush the autumn sun shines on me and this should lift my spirits but the gloom stay within as I run, run, run Running away from my feelings, running away from my thoughts I still hate everything-especially myself Thinking of all my wrongs and how I’m doomed to a life of solitary confinement Will I ever fix what’s wrong with me? and then I see it-a deer a few yards away from me 3 second glances are exchanged it runs across the road away from me- and something shifts in me hope is awakened with a reminder of nature’s splendor it puts everything in perspective I am but a speck in the universe a creation of GOD It’s a waste to focus on past regrets and could’ve beens I need to seize the moment of what is and what could be- and I run on to the next chapter of my life
“This is your time” the moon goddess whispers to me in a dream she puts her hand on my shoulder and a jolt of magic spread throughout my body I stumble and almost fall- but catch myself in time to stand up-and feel my power rise within I am invincible, I am empowered, I am ready to fulfill my potential and claim my success
todos creen en nuestra obra de teatro tienen la impresión que vivimos un cuento de hadas si solo supieran como me insultas detrás de las puertas cerradas o como mi almohada se moja con mis lagrimas por tu desprecio estarían con sus bocas abiertas por la mentira tóxica que vivimos cada dia
Life on the BPD 