I wrote this in January of 2003 about Lucas. I was doing what I normally do, obsessing over past love because I was lonely. At least I wrote this poem instead of trying to track him down.
damn…a hard truth
My dear Luke I Still miss you Even after your unexpected departure My heart feels a terrible torture Of not having you by my side I wonder if for me, you ever cried Why couldn’t you stay? Instead of leaving on that dreary day Why did you have to go? Nobody else could’ve loved you more I know my letter may seem strange to you But my heart finds it hard to replace you I have tried so hard to move on But it’s impossible to go on I guess I should say goodbye Before I start to cry But before I do this I gotta tell you my wish that you find what you need Even if it’s without me And if you ever find yourself in love Understand that you’re enough and that you fight for it Don’t run away from it So now I say goodbye my friend Maybe one day I’ll see you again
I wrote this poem on February 22, 2021. I wrote this while I still in a relationship with my most recent ex. I really thought he would be the one to stay but it wasn’t meant to be and that’s okay. I look at year 39 that in spite of facing constant depression and craziness because of COVID, I still had something important in life and that was love even if at the end it didn’t work out. It was a year full of magical moments that I will never regret.
February 22, 2021
Last day of thirty nine and I look back on this decade with love and no regrets The decade started with my third miracle of life and ended with the miracle of love The decade started with a once stable and normal suburban life and ended with a chaotically busy and poly life The decade started with a half loved marriage and ended with an almost separation Toxicity ruled 2 and a half years of the decade but he left Now I’m left with a new determination to fulfill my potential and let no one or nothing stop me
Today marks my 11 year anniversary with my husband and while me and him areno longer in a romantic relationship; I’m still celebrating it. This might seem strange to a lot of people including myself. I honestly didn’t think I would write this blog post for today. I thought I was just going to post a salty ass poem about him and I still will but why not celebrate this man that has been my ride or die for the past 18 years. While yes, I still plan on separating and divorcing this man in the near future; my heart does not hold any resentment and anger towards him like it has in the past. I love him because he is my chosen family that has and will always be there for me no matter what. I’ve told my perspectiveabout our relationship in this blog and while that is my truth; I feel that in someways I’ve painted him in a very negative light and may have been unfair to him. A lot of that was anger and resentment that I felt towards him at the time and towards myself for our relationship not working out. Now that he and I are in our third year of being co-parents and friends, I look at him in a different way and really accept him for who he is. It’s been a long journey to get here but I’mglad I’m here.
us in late 2005
As I look back and reflect on mine and his journey what strikes me is how loyal he’s been to me throughout my worst of times. He could have abandoned me when my oldest son was diagnosed with autism early in our relationship, when I got unexpectedly pregnant with our first child together, when I use to yell at him and emotionallyabuse him, after my suicide attempt in 2016 and after I askedhim to open up our marriage. But he didn’t. He stayed and was supportive in his own way and yes sometimes that came off as controlling but I think now that it was his way of being over protective. He’s accommodated to whatever crazy andimpulsive choices I’ve made and he’s stood by my side when I’ve had mental health crises. He’s not the type of man to ever run away when things get hard. In fact, he’s the type to stand by you until you get back up and after. Maybe that’s why I was in a romantic relationship with him for 15 years, he stayed no matterwhat. He also could have given up on me many times before we decided we wouldn’t continue our romantic relationship. He could also have kicked me out even after I flaunted my situationship and new boyfriends in front of his face.
our last picture in 2018 as a romantic couple, I only took this pic to post it on social media to make my boyfriend at the time jealous..lol..yeah I was fucked up
Also, I could have not lucked out more with having the best father for my children. This man is extremely devoted to our three children and loves them more than life. He makes sure that they are always very well taken care of. And co parenting with him has been an easy ride with a few mishaps.
Him with our 3 kids
As I write this, I’ve realized how incredibly lucky and fortunate I am to have him in my life. It sucks that our romantic relationship didn’t work out but what doesn’t suck is still having him in my life as my co parent and friend.
Life on the BPD 