Posted on by pattytacuri

poetry: Standing Firm (inspired by Conan Gray’s Heather)

I wrote this poem in December of 2022.

I secretly wish I was Conan Gray

I try on grace and self compassion thinking of the many times
I wanted to be someone else
Mirroring my sister and my best friends to escape from myself
never thinking I was enough-
I even tried to be like my former metamours-
so smart, so pretty, so American
they were placed on pedestals by my exes
so of course I wanted to be like them-
never understood how I never stood a chance
and how nothing I did would matter
my exes always chose them
they were safe,predictable and shared their background
everything I was never going to be
so I chose to embrace who I really am
a woman with a chaotic history who feels everything with a magnitude of intensity
a woman who no longer mirrors others to gain a sense of identity
I now stand firm in the authenticity of my duality
I embrace my God given gift of my creativity and share it shamelessly
there’s no turning back now that I’m fully me
and I no longer care who loves and accepts me

Posted on by pattytacuri

poetry: waiting

I wrote this poem in June of 2023.

“back when I was living for the hope of it all”-Taylor Swift

I’m a poet, I’m a writer but when it comes to expressing the romantic in me
I have the hardest time
I’m great at expressing my anger, my disappointment, my shame
but when it comes to love, I shy away and put my guard up
it’s a mix of trauma and cognitive distortions I’ve held within me
since the age of 16
self limiting beliefs that no man has ever loved or respected me
and failing at all of my love stories no matter
how hard I tried to succeed, no matter how much I accommodated
or changed for my partner, he leaves me
and I’m left flabbergasted, devastated, traumatized
so embedded and attached to my past tragedies
I’m apprehensive and hesitant when it comes to trying on someone new.
when to comes to pursuing anything more than friendship
it leaves me in the land of “I don’t know how to fucking do this again
without it breaking me”
and so I sit still, waiting for my crush to say something, do something
to restart my heart once again

Posted on by pattytacuri

poetry: prison

I wrote this poem in March of 2020.

me in March of 2020

Trapped in this self made prison-
Trapped in what I thought was the American Dream
/but in reality is the immigrant nightmare
Trapped in my mom’s life
Trapped under a heavy blanket of strength
I continue to cloak myself in
Trapped in a suburban hell
of family and responsibilities
Trapped because I wasn’t patient enough,
wasn’t independent enough
to build the life I truly wanted
And instead settled
for a mediocre one
Trapped because of my fear of being lonely
a fear that has chained me to a heavy present
without any hope for the future

Posted on by pattytacuri

poetry: post holiday blues

I wrote this poem in January of 2023.

existing is embarrassing,bruh

I can tell when my depression is getting the better of me
I uninstall most of my social media apps-
Start isolating from friends and family-
dissociate to whatever sad songs I have on repeat
Today’s music is Jojo and Taylor Swift
and I write anything and everything that comes into my head
about what has been or is my current tragedy
it’s almost comedic how dramatic I can
On days like these I feel too sensitive for this world
everything burns, everything is a trigger
and I almost hate myself and fall back into self destructive patterns
Seek out validation of my existence from others
it would be so easy to reach out and get help
but today, I want to fully feel my misery as it takes over me
let it speak in my writing
Me, my music, my paper and pen is all I need to get through
this latest depression spell

Posted on by pattytacuri

poetry: war chest

I wrote this poem in December of 2022.

always thankful

in my literary war chest lies a lifetime of love failures,
insecurities about motherhood and confusion about my identity
in my literary war chest lies unfiltered thoughts about grief
for everything I never was and potential unfulfilled
in my literary war chest lies the answers to how I survived
Catastrophe after catastrophe-
In my literary war chest lies proof of my strength and resilience
in the worst of times

Posted on by pattytacuri

poetry: expansion

I wrote this poem in December of 2022.

no hard feelings-just wishing y’all the best

my hearts expands wishing nothing but the best for my exes

I hope that one guy got to recovery and he’s settled with a nice girl
he met at church and they live somewhere in the country

I pray that one dude found someone nice and calm like him
to share a life with

I wish the latest one found someone who’s not crazy
he’s in love someone who brings stability and routine to his life

but most of all, I wish all of them to live their lives authentically and with purpose

Posted on by pattytacuri · 1 Comment

poetry: christmas day 2022

I wrote this poem in December of 2022.

my boys are everything to me

Relief comes after a nap on Christmas day
I woke up with so much joy and warmth in my heart
I feel like I’m standing on top of a mountain I’ve been climbing forever
A mountain climb that’s had a most treacherous uphill
and loaded with many obstacles I’ve stumbled and fallen from many times
but the universe, God presented me this gift of contentment for my life
the understanding that everything had to happen for this reason
to live in my childhood dreams of having my own family
who brings me love and purpose every day of my existence

Posted on by pattytacuri

poetry: the sky

I wrote this poem in December of 2022.

this could be and my lonely chicken nugget but he’s too scared to date me…no idea why..lol

On days when I’m hopeful about love-
my laugh is lighter, my smile is brighter,
my thoughts are the color of the sky
thinking of the endless possibilities
of how I’ll be loved and the many places
me and my future somebody will go-
while my cringy playlists play on the car radio
and the many discussions or fights that might happen
because one of us said the wrong thing
or one of us won’t admit we got lost
I”m still hopeful though
keeping in mind that conflict is also part of how we’ll evolve

Posted on by pattytacuri

poetry: private thing

I wrote this poem in December of 2022.

pouty Pisces

This time it will be different-I lie to myself over and over again-
and for a while I’ll believe it-but it never works out and they always leave-
And I wonder how words fail me when this happens-
it’s a magnitude of emotions-
Intense, mega, uber, all consuming, overwhelming-
Some things cannot adequately expressed even with bilingual vocabulary-
maybe not everything is meant to be written down
it’s just meant to be felt, held intimately in my heart and mind
maybe it’s a private thing between me and the universe

Posted on by pattytacuri · 3 Comments

poetry: sacred space

I wrote this poem in December of 2022.

I probably just got done crying right before this pic was taken

In my car-I scream, sing, write, and cry
I dissociate to my radio-blasting out Conan Gray
I can be as crazy I as want to be-
without the fear of being judged or talked about
the seat is molded to my petite frame
perfect for meditation
or for allowing myself to fall into my insanity
makes videos about how beautiful life is-
or how I no longer want to participate in it
my car used to feed into my deepest fears
and insecurities
but now I worship it
if it wasn’t for this sacred space away
from my office and home
I don’t know how I would cope
when the intensity of my thoughts
knock on my mind’s door

Posted on by pattytacuri

poesía: adios

here’s the English version of this poem:

Poetry: Uncaring

prefiero un adiós honesto y con dignidad
que la farsa que estamos viviendo
prefiero terminar este cuento de dolor
donde tú finges ser mi principe azul
y yo finjo ser la princesa que tu tienes que salvar
lo único que estamos haciendo es evitar lo inevitable
admitir que lo de nosotros no va a ningun lado
Admitir nuestra incompatibilidad
y convertir nuestro cuento de amor
en un cuento de amistad