within a span of a few minutes, I became my dad and my son became me he rolls his eyes at me as I give him practical advice on buying a car is this place reputable? think of the interest rate how many miles are on it? He loses his patience and accuses me of hovering over him and for the first time I feel empathy and compassion for my dad Understanding that this parenting gig isn’t easy and no matter how grown your kids are It’s hard to let them go and live life according to their own terms
Sometimes I miss our rollercoaster of toxicity even when you came back to me sober you still managed to emotionally dysregulate me and destroy me and while I’ve tried to find a replacement for you no one holds a candle to you no one brings me the level of excitement you once did everyone feels meh and blah compared to you, everyone is mediocre
I called you my mr.wrong for a long time and hated myself for loving you- I knew we weren’t heading anywhere- you were the complete opposite of me but connection and chemistry kept me returning to you Even though I knew one day we’d end and one day came when we both got sick of our constant toxicity and shut down our whatevership And while I know it was for the best and we never wanted the same things- last night I dreamed of you coming to my house and sneaking into my bed And I wonder if part of my subconscious still misses you
magneto y locomía sale de la tele mi tío me llamaba su condesita y mi tía me llamaba linda y me río porque últimamente me siento como una extraña en mi cuerpo y mami y sus hermanas me dicen que me estoy volviendo una señorita pero lo único que veo es un monstruo fea y gorda en el espejo y quisiera ser delgadita y fina como mis primas pero por lo menos mi tío y mi tía no me miran así me miran como un tesoro bello y valioso
are we going in time with our lack of rights with prejudices more overt- this is suppose to be a first world country and yet no one is safe sending my child to school i pray he’ll come back in one piece going to work I hope a mentally ill or disgruntled employee doesn’t walk in with revenge in his mind and a gun in his hand and i’m even afraid of sex birth control isn’t fool proof and I’d be forced to carry an oops are we going to back in time or is this the new America?
apathetic voter
full of apathy-i no longer have the faith and hope in government I once had i’m starting to think that renouncing my homeland was a waste to become an American thinking my vote counted for something, that it meant something aside from the ease of traveling my situation is still the same a working class reality where I’m still struggling a high functioning mental case doing her best to survive in a country that thrives on capitalism
polls
must I go to the polls and vote? everyone tells me I must to maintain my rights and for my future but lately I feel apathetic about it all- feeling I’ve never made a difference feeling like it’s so much bullshit but since I’ve heard Nazi sympathizers are in this race and I’m an other I”m forced to go to the stupid polls for mine and my loved ones survival
these poems are from 2022 and I’m more disillusioned than ever with the government. I’ve always leaned towards being a liberal/democrat and while I’ll still go out there and vote for whatever is deemed the “lesser evil”, I absolutely hate that we don’t have a third option that’s way more humane. And for anyone who thinks, “well, you should go back to your country”, at this point, I am working on having that as an option in the near future. Going back to Peru last year and this year has given me a new perspective about everything my parents gave up to immigrate to this country and it’s overwhelming because it was a lot. While I understand their reasons and while Peru does not have the most stable government either, the quality of life there seems better in a lot of ways. Who knows what will happen next year with the elections but I’m making sure my kids have their passports and I keep my connections with family and friends in Peru.
another new year is here another season of my life will soon be renewed more chances for new experiences and adventures more opportunities to fuck things up and give fodder to the inner critic in me to emotionally beat me up more time to question myself am I doing enough for me and my kids to prosper more moments of joy and laughter with my boys as they get older and continue to find their autonomy more grief and sadness as the working class and marginalized communities continue to be stepped on more memories made that ignite a spark of creativity within me another new year another transformation under construction
erotic stories from my ancestors are still seen in the caves and uncovered in archaeological digs people intertwined in every imaginable position- showing their sexual pleasure shamelessly- it makes the American and Colonizer catholic girl in me blush and say, damn, the Incas were some kinky people
the future of me is not written yet I have to understand that all I can do is write for her who will still question her existence or why things happened the way they did or what the fuck happened to her I know myself too well it doesn’t matter how far I’m in my self discovery journey I’ll always have questions Its my insatiable curiosity I can only hope that the future me has leaned into self love More than ever before and still understands she and her kids are her top priorities Anyone else is expendable in her little universe of love
It’s time to say goodbye to the notion of love I know I’ve said this more times than I can count but this time, I really mean it lately, I prefer my life of solitude the one where I’m my own hero, my own savior And I don’t wait for anyone to validate my worth it’s so calm, it’s so peaceful it’s actually bullshit the romantic girl in me can’t be cured
my culture is not up for appropriation, my culture is not up for colonizers to profit off from it I can hear my ancestors cursing in their graves haunting white people in their dreams over the atrocity they’re committing it’s blasphemous to use their most sacred ceremony for the business of “healing” why must white people in 2023 continue to steal from the indigenous community? it’s the same white people who forced assimilation on us the same white people who made us give up our religion and traditions the same white people who shamed us for our indigenous traits and the reason I don’t know how to speak quechua today why can’t the white man stay in his lane instead of trying to profit from our culture and the insecurities of others how is it possible that in this day and age these so called enlightened and elitist whites are still fucking over the indigenous community?
even the spambot body shames me and I hate my body all over again wanting to eviscerate that pudge that’s been there since after my first son hiding the flappy wings of my upper arms wondering why God gave me my stupid curves I’m constantly trying to hide and every excess of skin I see in the mirror That makes me wish I’d cease to exist why can’t I be a skinny white girl? instead of this pudgy mess of a woman with body dysmorphia who still uses the scale to determine her WORTH
silence is no longer an option if I continue to do so, I’d be suffocating the part of me who needs to be heard in order to heal I’d be failing myself, my ancestors, and future generations silence is no longer an option to do so is an act of violence against the writer and poet in me whose purpose is tell my story, my truth
I bet all of my female ancestors still remember their third of december
abandonment wounds run deep in my bloodline I’ve lost count of how many woman in my family whose lovers absconded, who’s lovers left them for their own version of Heather- maybe this explains my epic overreaction every time a lover absconded their departure triggers trauma in my DNA from the abandoned women ancestors before me
Life on the BPD 